My Quotes and Funny Thoughts
**WARNING! These quotes and thoughts are to be read under competent supervision only!**
~It's not that I don't notice, It's that i pretend not to.
~Don't blame me, I do what the rice crispies tell me to do.
~The advantage to excersizing is that you die healthier.
~How can I miss you if you don't go away?
~I just got a skylight put in my place, the people who live above me are furious!
~The grass is always greener on TV.
~My Reality Check bounced...
~Lead me not into temptation!..... I can find the way myself
~There are two types of pedestrians.... the quick, and the dead.
~Always remember, you're unique, just like everyone else.
~I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
~I can explain my stupidity with two words... BLONDE!
~Tension:When you run out of birth control pills.
~Stress: When your teenage daughter offers to lend you some of hers.
~If only men were as satisfying as chocolate.
~Well behaved women never made history.
~Whatever doesn't kill you ultimately makes you stronger.
~If you have an open mind, wouldn't your brains fall out? If a turtle doesn't have a shell... is it homeless or naked?
~How is it possible to have a civil war?
~If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
~Live fast, die young, and have a good lookin corpse!
~I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
~If life gives you lemons, get some limes and make margaritas!
~Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time!
~You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on to something.
~I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
~If you're nice call me sweetie, if you're sweet, call me honey, if you're hot call me tonight!
~I personally think that we developed a language because of our deep inner need to complain.
~It's a dog eat dog world out there, better make sure your dog isn't anorexic.
~No one dies a virgin, life screws us all.
~Common sense is the collection of predjudices collected by 18.
~If it's stupid, and it works, then it isn't stupid.
~When someone tells you nothing's impossible, tell them to dribble a football.
~We are the people our parents warn us about.
~Don't upset me, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
~You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.
~IN some cultures what I do is considered normal.
~He broke my heart, so i broke his jaw.
~Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
~Stand for something or you'll fall for anything.
~When at first you don't suceed, don't go skydiving!
~I see your face when I am dreaming, and that is why I wake up screaming.
~My love for you no words can tell, except for maybe, go to hell.
~Shut up brain! or I'll stab you with a q-tip!
~Having a smoking section in a resturant is like having a peeing section in the pool.
~Join the army, Travel the world, Meet interesting people and kill them.
~The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his.
~The two most common elements in this universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
~I didn't work my way up to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables.
~Budget- A method for going broke methodically.
~A clear consience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
~I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
~Dad always said that laughter was the best medicine. Thats probably why so many of us died of tuberculosis.
~Whenever I see an old lady fall, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I were an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't be so funny.
~Rome did not create a huge empire by having meetings. They did it by killing all who opposed them.
~Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet plane eingines.
~Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
~Go the extra mile, it makes your boss look like an incompitent slacker.
~Irish Diplomacy- Telling a man to go to hell so he looks forward to making the trip.
~Teamwork, it means never having to take all the blame yourself.
~Don't think too hard, you'll smash the pea.
~Aim low, reach your goals, avoid disappointment.
~Few women admit their age, few men act it.
~Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
~I can't go to work today, the voices told me to stay home and clean the guns.
~The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
~Patience is a virtue have it if you can. Seldom in a woman, never in a man.
~One by one the penguins steal my sanity.
~Of all the things I've lost, the thing i miss most is my mind.
~Sucess is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing any of your enthusiasm.
~To copy from one, plagerism. To copy from many, research.
~Skitzophrenic words: Is it me or am I talking to myself.
~Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away AND you hae their shoes.