the one with The Insemination

Man, the second episode, already? It feel like it was only yesterday when I posted my first recap. Oh wait... it was.

We open on The Lovely Leisha Hailey’s voice, talking about random acts of sex. One night stands, twenty year marriages, etc... She claims that “anytime you get a group of gay girls together, you’re guaranteed that someone slept with someone else.” TLLH starts mapping girls out on one of those cool computer writable tablet pen things and we see a virtual version of the chart on TLLH’s wall. She asks the guy next to her to name any lesbian and she can link her to herself. He tosses out Kristine Lee. No problem. She was with Grace Partridge (I wonder if her family still owns that bus.) who was with Anya (Does Xander know about this?) who was with Denise who lived with Katherine who was TLLH’s first girlfriend out of college. She tells the guy (Mark) that even he could be connected through this chart. He doesn’t seem too impressed. TLLH tries to explain that it means “we’re all connected” though things like love, loneliness, lamentable lapses in judgement... and apparently hot lesbian lovin’. Ah, I get it, she’s trying to pitch The Chart as a piece for the magazine. Mark’s not buying it. TLLH suggests an article on vaginal rejuvenation. Mark loves that idea. He’s a big fan of vaginal rejuvenation. I should stop now, because I really don’t know
how many more times I’m going to have to say vaginal rejuvenation in this recap. Vaginal rejuvenation. Sigh.

Ooo, fancy credits set to Nintendo music. Seriously, I think this is the music to “A Boy and His Blob.” Oh, the 16-bit graphical wonder that it was.

Tina’s running, then she slows to a stop. Aren’t you supposed to warm down after a run? She says, “Yeah, let’s do it” to herself and then goes into the house. BossyBette is combing out her hair. Tina rushes in and latches her icky sweaty body onto BB’s freshly showered self. “Guess what?” Tina asks. BB totally echoes my sentiment about sweaty bodies and clean bodies not meshing well. Tina tells her that she wants to go for The Insemination again. At home, all sexy-like with no doctors or paper gowns. Well, if the paper gowns get you hot, maybe we can have those. BB likes the idea, but she’s pretty sure they need sperm to make that happen. Tina says she’s gonna go pick up an order of Marc S. Woodyallen from the CryoSperm place. She’s gotten over the fact that he’s a big black man and she’s ready to be a baby makin’ machine! This gets BB all hot and bothered and she follows Tina into the shower. Okay, hold on. That’s a really big shower. Is Showtime trying to advocate that gays have big showers? Because Brian’s shower on QAF is also huge. Maybe I’m just experiencing shower envy.

Tim and Jenny’s Sex Shack. Jenny wants to talk to Tim about something, but he’s in a rush to get to work, talking about how Trish and Mary are so in the zone and they might win their next big swim meet. Jenny gives him a smile and a “Go team!” He tells her she can bet her “sweet ass” on it. Oh, by the way, Tim? Her sweet ass belongs to ProRina.

Smoothie’s leaving the apartment of some sweet young thang. It looks like she’s "the girl who dared speak to her before the morning shot” from the pilot. They kiss. GWDStHBtMS asks Smoothie when she’ll see her again. Smoothie says she’ll be at Milk on Thursday and maybe she’ll see her there. GWDStHBtMS is all giddy as Smoothie heads down the street. But someone’s watching her! It’s ObsessoGirl from the Donor Party. She’s all set up for a stakeout with her handy dandy binoculars. She hunkers down in the driver’s seat of her car as Smoothie climbs into a big ass 1980's truck.

Tennis Courts. Dana’s jumping while some guy who must be her trainer is on the phone. Trainer says he’ll meet whoever he’s talking to in about ten minutes. He hangs up and tells Dana to get a snack (juice and cookies!) and then they’ll resume training in forty-five minutes.

TLLH is outside an office building, browsing the list of offices. She presses the appropriate buzzer. A woman’s voice comes through the intercom. The office is called Reviva. TLLH has an appointment. But Lady Intercom can’t hear her. “I have an APPOINT-MENT.” No luck. “I need to get my vagina rejuvenated!” OH. Sure. Come on in.

The Offices of Reviva. TLLH approaches the reception desk, telling the unseen receptionist that she has an appointment. The receptionist rolls into view and it’s GUINEVERE TURNER. Oh, how I heart you! Wait... Gwen Turner... Reviva... vaginal rejuvenation... Has anyone seen that Margaret Cho bit that goes: “Hi, my name is Gwen. I’m here to WARSH your vagina!” Yeah, check it out. Anyway, apparently GT AKA Gabby and TLLH know each other, which just adds to the embarrassment. Gabby tells TLLH, “Don’t do it [TLLH], I mean, the recovery’s supposed to be hell.” Okay, now this whole vaginal rejuvenation concept scares me even more. Gabby apologizes to TLLH for being an asshole at some previous point in history. She also apologizes for the eighty-four minutes anyone spent watching “Go Fish” even though she realizes that her cuteness was the only thing that kept me from clawing my eyes out. She tells TLLH that she thinks about her all the time. TLLH doesn’t want to do “this” again. Gabby tries to convince her to just go to lunch and
that she’ll prove how much she’s changed. TLLH doesn’t respond and grabs a seat in the waiting room.

The Dining Room Place of the Tennis Club. Dana’s having her snack of carrot and celery sticks. A waiter presents her with a plate of stuff with dipping sauces. But Dana didn’t order that. The waiter knows that and says it was sent out by Lara Perkins, the Sous Chef. She glances back to see a super “cris-py” chef chick in the kitchen. “Soup chef?” asks Dana. The waiter scoffs at her and walks away. Hey, man, Dana Fairbanks has a wicked backhand. She don’t need no culture. Dana takes another quick peek at CrispyLara and smiles to herself. Man, free food, hot girls, AND dipping sauces.

Tim and Jenny’s Casa. Jenny’s listening to the answering machine. “Hi, Jenny. It’s [ProRina]. I’ve been thinking about you.”

The Office Garage Studio that Tim Built. Jenny’s pounding away... at the keyboard. We hear her voice over of the story she’s writing. Something about Sarah Schuster flopping around on the beach. We jump to a sepia toned image of Sarah Schuster, tangled in seaweed. Ms. Schuster looks a lot like Jenny.

The Planet. Smoothie’s attacked, paparazzi-style, by ObsessoGirl. Smoothie tells her to stop, but ObsessoGirl keeps flashing a huge camera in her face until ProRina grabs her and pulls her away.
ObsessoGirl says she’s to expose Smoothie’s “Four F’s” plan: find ‘em, feel ‘em, fuck ‘em, forget ‘em. ProRina kicks her out, telling her to figure it out somewhere else and to keep it away from her friends and her business. Now is the part where I tell you about a different ex-girlfriend of mine, who just couldn’t get over the fact that we broke up. And at one point, she was leaving my house and then she called me on the phone and in the middle of the conversation, I hear this big noise. When I asked her what it was she said, “That was me driving into your gate!” And then she wanted to know why I wouldn’t talk to her. So, Smoothie, buddy... I feel for you. Anyhow, ProRina spots Jenny sitting in Tim’s car, in front of The Planet. She waves but Jenny just drives off and ProRina’s all “WTF?” and disappears into her office. TLLH asks Dana and Smoothie “what’s up with Jenny and ProRina?” Smoothie says it’s not their business, but Dana’s curious because she thought Jenny was straight. TLLH tells her, “Most girls are straight, until they’re not.” Hee. She also says that can be “gay ‘til they’re not.” Smoothie says that some of them never look back and that you can spot them from a mile away. Dana wants to know how, because she can’t ever read the signals. Smoothie tells her to just go with the flow, but Dana insists she can’t feel the flow. TLLH pinpoints
that Dana doesn’t have gaydar. Smoothie says everyone has it, you just need to tune into it. TLLH points to a woman in the café and asks, “What is she?” Dana says she’s a customer. Smoothie tells her to look at the fingernails. Long or short? Manicured or polished? Seriously, this is a basic gaydar deduction tool. My friend Adam used to work in a porno store and I would look at all the girl/girl movie boxes and determine which girls were actual lesbians and which ones were just in it for the money... all based on the nails. Anyway, Customer Girl has short, polished nails, so Smoothie deduces that she could be straight, but that’s not enough info. TLLH observes that she’s wearing heels with tapered jeans and asks Dana if she’d wear that. Dana gives an unsure “Yes?” TLLH corrects her with a “No.” Flustered, Dana says, “Look, I’ve only ever seen her in her chef’s uniform.” Smoothie doubts that Customer Girl is a chef. Silly Smoothie, Dana’s got the hots for a chef. Smoothie’s impressed that Dana actually likes a girl enough to try and figure out if she’s “down.” “Whether she plays for our team,” explains TLLH, “the gay team.” Dana thought the bisexuals had their own team. They do. It’s called high school dance team. Since Dana knows
CrispyLara’s first and last name, TLLH offers to check her chart, which she has posted on the internet. Smoothie’s not happy about that.

The OGStTB. Jenny’s still writin’ away. We’re back in Sepia Land and it’s Sarah Schuster’s funeral. A man and a woman stand at the back of the crowd. We tilt down to see them grasp hands. We can’t see their faces anymore. She reaches her hand inside his coat... and pants, it looks like. We tilt back up to see that the couple is now Jenny and ProRina. “I was thinking about you,” says SepiaProRina. BEEP. Back in the house, Jenny’s playing the message. Again. Then she erases it.

The Insemination, part deux. BossyBette and Tina are getting boozed up for their night of passion. And then they become eleven year olds who worship sperm and call it “magical juice.” They do an inventory of their The Insemination devices and head into the bedroom to make with the nakey. BossyBette’s wearing this big metal Wonder Woman bracelet and I really hope she takes it off before she accidentally knocks out Tina’s teeth. Things get heated and pretty sexy until we cut to closeups of the The Insemination tools, which just aren’t sexy at all. Unless you’re into plastic tubing. And some people are. Wait, and then there’s this closeup of Tina’s eye dilating, which makes it seem like she was shooting up. Maybe BB grabbed the wrong vial by mistake. Now, THAT would make for interesting television.

TLLH is checking the chart. Smoothie’s comments that she’s the center of the universe. She’s the center of my universe. Smoothie points out a dotted line between TLLH and Gabby, but TLLH quickly deletes it. She says she just ran into her at the Reviva office. Dana and Smoothie remind TLLH that Gabby treated her like shit. TLLH tells them that they won’t be getting back together and asks Dana for CrispyLara’s name. TLLH starts the search with Smoothie, because it’s the best bet. Smoothie assures Dana that it wouldn’t have meant anything. The search results come up with a big fat nothing.

Big Bed of Monogamy. Tina’s legs are straight up in the air. And they’re done having sex, you pervy pervs. BossyBette pops up from under the bed, asking if Tina wants to put the diaphragm back in, but then it’s really dirty under the bed, so probably not. The doorbell rings. TLLH, Smoothie, and Dana are on the porch. BB answers in her bathrobe. Smoothie asks if they were sleeping. “Not exactly,” is BB’s reply. TLLH said they tried to call and no one answered and they have an emergency and they she and Smoothie were okay covering the Gaydar thing, but now that it’s evolved into “major relationship stuff” that needs “expert advice.” Dana’s totally mortified by this entire situation, especially when she realizes BB and Tina were having all The Sex. Tina’s still got her legs in the air when The Gang rolls into the bedroom. TLLH picks up the SpermySyringe and accidentally sprays it on Dana. Ew. Smoothie realizes that they could be there at the moment of conception and offers to leave. BB tells her it’s too late for that. Tina asks about the emergency. Dana says she just wants to know if she’s gay. They recap the nails and clothing scenarios, but again, Dana’s only seen her in the chef’s uniform. BossyBette asks about personal interaction. Dana admits they haven’t really talked up close. TLLH asks if they shout across the room. BB explains that there’s no way to “make an accurate analysis” if she hasn’t even had a conversation with the girl. Dana tells them about the free grub that CrispyLara sends out, complete with “perfect little grill marks” and dipping sauces, and there’s no extra crap in them to interfere with her training. Tina asks if Dana orders the food or if she just hooks her up. Dana says it’s all CrispyLara’s doing. Smoothie says to just ask her out, but BossyBette says she can’t because Dana wouldn’t want to just put herself “out” there if CrispyLara’s just being nice. Story. Of. My. Life. In California, we have this burger chain called In-N-Out Burger and the employees are genetically engineered to be super nice and I can never tell if the drive thru girls are flirting with me or not. BossyBette announces that they’re “going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss [CrispyLara].”

Nintendo music as we push in on the virtual chart, where lesbians are popping up and drawing lines all over the place.

Locker Room. Dana’s getting dressed. A guy startles her. She asks what he’s doing in there, but he tells her not to worry, it’s nothing he hasn’t seen before. Oh, ew. He asks why she’s not wearing the shorts that make her ass look good. She asks why. He tells her that Subaru is sending a rep to watch her train tomorrow. Oh, well, that’s exciting. She hugs SkeevyAgentMan and promises to wear the shorts. She lies down on the bench, but bounces back up as CrispyLara enters and begins changing her chef’s uniform. Dana consciously looks away and tells her about the Subaru gig. CrispyLara says she’s sure it will all go well for her and puts her clean uniform top on. “You can turn around now.” She continues on about how her job is so messy that she has to change three times a day. “You always look nice when I see you. I mean... I mean, you never look dirty... when I see you,” says Dana. Then she tries to rush out of the locker room, but CrispyLara tells her to come by later for more of that bitchin’ dipping sauce. Dana accepts the offer and heads out of the locker room, except she forgot her bag. It’s all very cute. I probably think that because I relate most to Dana. But so what. It’s my recap.

TLLH is waiting. For Godot? For Guffman? Oh. For Gabby. Smoothie, BB, and Tina show up, asking her how the lunch went. It didn’t. Gabby never showed. Until right now. She claims she was “working on [her] screenplay and lost track of time.” PLEASE. That means she was playing Buckaroo Blackjack at Pogo.com or taking care of her online NeoPet. Or, at least, that’s what I’m doing when I tell people I’m working on a screenplay. Hmm... I wonder if my NeoPet is dead, yet. Gabby asks for TLLH’s forgiveness. TLLH says sure, but her friends are now waiting so she has to leave. “Do you have do everything your friends want you to do?” asks Gabby, magically changing her into CrabbyTheSelfishWonderMonkey, “Oh, yeah. You do.” And, damn, so this is where I tell you about my other ex, who lived with her parents and would go to bed at ten pm and expect me to never, ever go out with other people after that time, even though she was at home, sleeping. The Gang saves TLLH from Crabby’s grasp, but TLLH mouths “call me” to Crabby as she leaves.
Someone says, “Let’s do it” for the second time this episode.

Mission: Gaypossible. MINI! I want a Mini. Funky secret agent music plays. There’s a cool edit where we see a bunch of fragmented moments of what will happen in the next couple of minutes. The Gang, all wearing sunglasses, inconspicuously enters the Dining Room of the Tennis Club place. Except by inconspicuously, I mean totally frickin’ obvious. Tina tells Dana, “Pretend you don’t know us.” Dana does this totally hilarious thing where she looks around, not sure at all what she’s supposed to do. I haven’t addressed the acting on this show. It’s outstanding. And I know from good acting. I’ve seen my share of bad acting. Anyway, we were talking about Smoothie. Well, we weren’t, but we are now. Smoothie asks Dana if she can sit at her table. Dana doesn’t even have a chance to answer because Smoothie just plants herself in the chair and then asks which one is CrispyLara. Smoothie gives her approval and proceeds to check the girl out, which earns her a dirty look from Dana. Smoothie withdraws and says she’s there for Dana, then text messages an “X’s” and “O’s” diagram of CrispyLara’s location in the kitchen to TLLH, who’s sitting at, like, the next table over. TLLH uses her own her crazy person hands free device and calls BossyBette, telling her “it’s the redhead.” BB passes the info on to Tina. The kitchen shoes and hoop earrings are both too neutral to determine anything. CrispyLara looks out into the dining room, so BB and Tina immediately start kissing. TLLH whistles nonchalantly as she takes notes on CrispyLara’s
reaction. TLLH gives the signal to abort.

Tennis Club Ladies’ Room, home of the shiniest tampon machine in North America. The L Word Angels compare notes. TLLH says that they’re neck and neck. BossyBette gives her “good lezzie points for her walk and the way she wields that chopping knife.” Smoothie says she’s “way femmey.” It was a split reaction to the kiss, she didn’t freak out which is good, but then she didn’t really pay any attention. Tina notes that she has “nine in the lez column and she only seven in the straight.” But there’s a margin of error of plus or minus five percentage points. Lesbians are good at math. “You know what we have to do,” states BossyBette. They all turn and face Smoothie.

Smoothie’s got the smooth turned up to MAX as she approaches the kitchen window and asks CrispyLara if they h ave any sweet little figs. Crispy Lara says they’re out of season and glances out into the dining room. I think she’s looking at Dana, but I could be wrong. Smoothie asks if she might be able to suggest something else to quell her craving. CrispyLara says they sometimes have champagne truffles, but not today and that’s all she can think of. Smoothie thanks her and walks away.

Outside the Tennis Club. The Gang is walking, comforting Dana over the possible non-gayity of CrispyLara. Dana says she might just be a different kind of lesbian. “Yeah, the straight kind,” says TLLH. Hee. Tina doesn’t get it, since the Smoothie Pass pretty much works on everyone. ObsessoGirl drives by, giving Smoothie an “I’m watchin’ you bitch” look.

The Planet. TLLH is telling Tina and BossyBette that they’re cutting edge being lesbian moms with a biracial child. BB reminds her that they’re not even pregnant yet. Smoothie points out Tim at the counter. He waves to BB and Tina. TLLH wonders if whether he knows if “Jenny’s making the team with [ProRina].” BB doesn’t think anything’s going on and wants to know why TLLH needs to believe that everyone is sleeping with everyone else. “Because they are,” is her reply. Damn straight. Or gay. Whatever. But they are. TLLH is so my partner in femslashy subtext crime. BB gives her a lecture on monogamy. Meanwhile, at the Counter of People Who Recently Slept with Jenny, ProRina’s giving Tim free coffee and asking him where he’s been. He says he’s been busy with the swim team and Jenny’s been writing, and hey, since they all haven’t hung out in a while, why doesn’t she come to the dinner party at their house tonight? ProRina turns him down, but he insists, saying “Jenny’d love to have you.” Tim, sweetie, she already did. ProRina says she can see what Jenny see in him. He’s a little embarrassed by the compliment and bails, still insisting that she come to the party.

The Courts. Dana’s playing for the Subaru reps. And it doesn’t look like she’s wearing the shorts. It looks like a tennis dress to me, kids!

The Dinner Party of Disaster and Destruction Just Waiting to Happen. BossyBette, Tina, and ProRina arrive at Tim and Jenny’s. ProRina’s brought flowers. Tim introduces them to Randy and Ms. Randy AKA Carol. This is one of those moments where Tim comes across as very cute and loveable with his plaid apron and banter.

Locker Room. SkeevyAgentMan tells Dana that she got the deal with Subaru. He says they “goddamn loved [her] fuckin’ guts.” He sure has a way with words. She hops up and down hugs him.

Jenny’s home after a long day at the Faker Joe’s, all smiles for her dinner guests until she sees ProRina in the kitchen. She drags Tim into the bedroom and he explains that he just ran into ProRina and invited her. Jenny insists that it’s fine, she just didn’t know she would be there. She frantically runs around the room, looking for a shirt, finds one, TAKES OFF HER BRA, then puts the shirt on. And the shirt is this flimsy white thing that would disappear if it got wet. But I’m sure she’s not attracted to ProRina at all. He follows her into the bathroom asking if something happened between them. Jenny says no, she just doesn’t like her, that “she has this, you know, this way... of acting like... she knows everything.” Tim assures her that they won’t let it ruin the evening and that they should just “kiss and make up.” Sigh.

Karaoke night. Kit’s the Hostess with the Mostest. She introduces the next singer, who will be performing that soothing love classic, “I Like Big Butts.” Smoothie asks TLLH why they’re at karaoke night. TLLH’s looking for Crabby, saying she had a good excuse the other night. Smoothie says “she’s a poor excuse for a decent human being.” TLLH spots Crabby at the bar and insists that Crabby’s a different person and that the boots she’s wearing are “hot, hot, hot.” Smoothie tells her that she’ll kill TLLH if she gets back with Crabby, because she’ll step all over her with those boots.

Dinner. ProRina tells Carol that she looks like a Renaissance painting. Jenny gives Carol a dirty look. How dare she cause her secret lover to compliment her by simply sitting at the same table! Tim announces the engagement, which leads to a toast. BossyBette notices something’s off between ProRina and Jenny.

Milk. Smoothie tells TLLH not to turn around. So she turns around to see Crabby behind her. “I know you’re not ignoring me,” Crabby says. TLLH says she was just busy talking. Kit breaks in and asks if BossyBette and Tina are around. TLLH tells her they’re at the dinner party. Kit thanks her and leaves. TLLH continues her previous conversation, but Crabby walks away.

ProRina and Jenny are in the kitchen. ProRina takes Jenny’s hand and asks to see the ring. She asks if Jenny’s happy. “Don’t ask me that, “ Jenny says, through tears. BossyBette enters, ruining the moment. ProRina says she was just admiring the ring. BB says that Tim has great taste. “Yeah, he does,” ProRina says as she walks away. Jenny tells BB that she’s not used to the way the ring feels. BB confronts ProRina in the bathroom, asking her what she’s doing. She tells ProRina that it’s not her place to judge her, and she doesn’t know what’s going on, but she thinks that it’s wrong. Why do people put up disclaimers like then when they’re just going to contradict themselves? ProRina doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong. All the couples are in the living room playing some couples question game. Carol asks Jenny what she’d do if she only had one day left to live. She says she’d spend the whole time writing until she felt she’d be leaving behind something she was proud of. Tim jokingly bitches about her not spending it with him. ProRina would be reading on the beach. Tim says he’d be with her since Jenny would be off somewhere writing. BB tells Tina she wants to leave. This again? Sigh. YOU LIVE NEXT DOOR! Tina makes up some BS about BB having a headache so they can leave. Tina asks BB why she’s upset. BB tells her about ProRina and Jenny in the kitchen. Tina says they might have just been talking. Which is what they were doing. But BB won’t have it, dammit. Tina says BB’s being judgmental, BB says Tina’s being blase. Tina says it’s not a big deal. BB asks if it’s supposed to be different because ProRina’s a woman, and if that is what Tina thinks, then those are crappy morals to pass on to their kids. This is the part where Kit pops out of the darkness and wonders why no one told her they were pregnant. Tina says they don’t know if they’re having a baby yet. BB chastises Kit for breaking in. But she says she’s there to make amends as part of her twelve step program. BB shuts herself in the bedroom. Oh, yeah, that’s mature. Kit stands outside the room and apologizes for a slew of Kit-astrophes, including: missing BB’s twelfth birthday and hiding her stash in BB’s teddy bear. Wow. Tina tries to make BB listen, saying it’s not easy for Kit to do this. Still nothin’.

Locker Room. A robed and freshly showered Dana runs into CrispyLara, who is finally in something other than her chef’s uniform. Let’s see... denim jacket, red shirt, jeans, black belt... gay or not gay? She asks Dana about the Subaru deal. Dana says she got it. CrispyLara is happy and says that they’re lucky to have her. She heads out of the locker room. Dana turns to open her locker, but CrispyLara’s suddenly behind her. She kisses her then says, “Just in case you were still wondering,” then leaves again. Aw! Dana leans against the lockers to compose herself, then grins. Man, I can’t take it. Can’t... see... past... cuteness...

Milk. TLLH walks up to Crabby and tells her that she likes her boots. Crabby grabs her and they start kissing. HEY! If Tina got in on this, it would be like an independent lesbian movies of the mid 90's make-out fest. Some girl hits on Smoothie, asking is she’s with anyone. Smoothie glances around, then says no. ObsessoGirl grabs a guitar and makes enough noise to get everyone’s attention, saying there’s a menace in the house. Dennis? “She’s a user, and a fucker... and she’s probably fucked you... and you... and you... and there she is,” ObsessoGirl shines a spotlight on Smoothie, which scares the other girl away. ObsessoGirl starts chanting, “Stop the Menace.”

Tina tells BossyBette that she likes her strong convictions because it makes her who she is and she loves her for it. Probably because BB told her so.

ProRina’s enchanted everyone at the dinner party. After she leaves, Randy asks “Who is in love with that woman?” Carol is. Tim says it “goes beyond the fact that she’s just stunning.” Carol asks Jenny if she even has just a little crush. Jenny says no. That’s because it’s a HUGEMONGIFEROUS crush. Or maybe she’s just in it for the sex. Or maybe she’s bipolar. Or a compulsive liar. I guess we’ll have to wait on that one.