Liberally
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Liberally
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Okay, back again. And you all think I'm late on these recaps because I'm procrastinating. I was really just out gathering more life experience to keep these 'caps fresh and invigorating. Like Herbal Essence shampoo. San Fernando Valley - Last Year. Heh. That's where I work. The SFV is the porn capital, baby. Or "Baby, Baby" judging by the Briticious schoolgirls that are standing in front of the mirror in the girls' room. There's a camera. And a guy just asked for a "pussy light." For those times when you feel less than illuminated. The girls unbutton their shirts and BlondNey hops up to sit on the sink. Director calls "action" (Heh.) and BrunetteNey kisses her, then drops to her knees. Cue the principal, who looks a heckuva lot like a 19 year old felon. Director tells him to look angry. He makes a face best described as "Eminem smelling a fart." Director directs the girls to act surprised, then embarrassed, and finally, hot. PrincyPal drops his drawers and BrunetteNey positions herself in front of him. Director instructs them to do the BJ biz, then wants her to say "that was great." Because it's totally all for her. Yep. The L Word. SVF Porno Mix! The PoorTards'. (R.I.P. Lil' GayMo!) Tina's dragging a whisk around a metal bowl, possibly trying to beat an egg. She's SadSadTina. Let's give her a hug. Go ahead, I'll wait. Okay. She slides downs the counter and sits on the kitchen floor, crying. Biceps consoles her, saying that they'll get through it. Haspell's Ho House. Stupid Unwashed Jenny is wandering around the backyard like a homeless person. Trish and Tim are saying their goodbyes. Trish walks around the side of the house to see Jenny standing around like a stalker. She doesn't say anything to her and just keeps walking to her car, but Jenny feels the need to tell her that she's just on her "way to the store to get some bread... for toast... but... um... I've forgotten my wallet and my keys, so I'm just gonna go get them." Trish just gets into her car, looking at Jenny like the fucking psychopath that she is. Jenny wanders off toward her shack. ProRina's Place. Worffcesca's on the phone talking about leaving for Virginia while ProRina mopes around in a bathrobe. As Worffcesca hangs up, ProRina asks what the deal is with her going off to Virginia. It seems that Worffcesca's going to be "the personal for Drew Barrymore." She's probably just hoping to be Drew's next two minute husband. Plus, it pay three times what she made on "Darkness." And I'm sure she's referring to that void where her heart should be. ProRina's glad about the job but she's upset that Worffcesca didn't consult with her before taking it. Worffcesca doesn't see what they needed to discuss. ProRina reminds her that they were supposed to take a vacation, but Worffcesca insists that she never signed off on any plans. ProRina's pissed that Worffcesca's only around for six weeks out of the year and she'd like to be able to spend time with her. Worffcesca creepily leans across the bed and says, "Come be with me now." ProRina sits next to her and Worffcesca explains that she has to take the job because ProRina owes what I assume is a lot of money for The Planet. Then they start to have Teh Sex, but only after Worffcesca says that while she's gone, ProRina can hump all over Jenny. How sweet. Lather. Smoothie's washing Dana's hair while The Lovely Leisha Hailey gives an in depth report on just how hard this new guy fucks her. She likes that they can just "do it" and there's no "I'll do you then you do me, let's check in, have we had equal time and all that crap." Dana tells TLLH that just because she's "riding the big fat weenie" doesn't mean that there's something wrong with the way the rest of them have sex. Hee. Smoothie suggest that since Dana's now "out big time" that she should have a mullet. Oh ew. Thankfully, Dana shares my opinion. TLLH reveals that she might be late... and explains to Dana that your period is that part of your reproductive cycle she learned about in the fifth grade. Hee. Anyway, if TLLH is late, the baby would have to be Lisa the LIM's. Dana says that Lisa would be the first lesbian in history to make a baby. Ooo, the Coalition of Concern Citizens have put out a PSA using bits and pieces of Biceps' conversation with Satan, er, Fae. Faetan's people have edited the video so that Biceps calls herself a pervert. Lawyer Man tells Biceps that she's going to have to learn to deal with Faetan. Biceps wants to challenge Faetan to a debate. I think they should have a handcuff brawl. Like Faith and Buffy at the end of season three of Buffy. Hottest.Fight.Ever. Mmm. What was I talking about? Oh yeah. Lawyer Man says that Faetan's a "gladiator in the public arena." But is she a Glaaaaaadiator? TLLH worries about the possibility of pregnancy. Dana tells her to opt for an abortion, but Smoothie suggests giving the baby to Biceps and Tina. That seems a little odd. Hi, I had a baby. You want it? Smoothie says that they're already like a family as it is, so it would be like a community baby. TLLH says that instead of "Heather has Two Mommies" it would be six mommies. Smoothie says Biceps and Tina would be the moms, but they would all be connected "because of how it went down." Well, I don't think it had anything to do with going down. Does Smoothie even know how babies are made? I'd like to add that A) Smoothie's working on Dana's hair and 2) she's Glasses!Smoothie. which makes this recapper feel all silly inside. Ahem. Anyway. Blah, blah, blah... give the baby away. TLLH wants her own support group. Back at the PoorTards'. Tina's packing up Lil' Gay Mo's things. Kit tells her they could have had someone else do that for her. Tina just says she's not coming to Kit's show, but she's sure Biceps will be there. Aaand, that's really all there is to that scene. Tina's upset. Got it. Smoothie's House of Hair. Dana's sportin' a new 'do. I think it's just okay, but TLLH and Smoothie both rave over it. TLLH says looks hot "from the neck up." This is the part where I think Dana should have slapped her. But whatever. TLLH's taking her to Fred Siegel. Dana says she got the clothes she's wearing at Fred Siegel. BAM! It's Emeril Crankypants. Marti Noxon's on line three for Smoothie. And, screeeeeech! She's now pulling up in front of the salon in her fancy silver sports car to take Smoothie for a "ride." Smoothie wants to know where they're going, but Marti says it's a secret. They peel out like a lesbian Thelma and Louise. So really, they peel out like Thelma and Louise. Random stock shots of Los Angeles stores as the music goes "ba ba ba ba baaaa" like the Gilmore Girls score on a bad trip. Marti and Smoothie are in a big empty salon space. Husband Noxon apparently owns the block with a friend and Marti wants to give her the space. She imagines something kitschy but chic. Smoothie wants a pool table. And she wants to put the coloring or shampoo stations way the fuck upstairs. I'll bet she wants people to get up there the same way Punky Brewster got Brandon into the clubhouse, too. And then she could call the place "Rope and Pulley." That'd be swell. Marti calls Smoothie's name from the back room, where she's waiting all lingeried up in a shampoo chair. And then they have all the sex. I'm just kidding. They painted each other's nails and sang about Jesus. "Ba ba ba ba baaaaby Jeeesus." Biceps and Tina are at The Circle of Life. Tina's being sad sad sad about Lil' Gay Mo. The group actually offers support, then asks Biceps if she's cried about it. She doesn't need to cry. She can dance her grief away! Suddenly, group's over and Biceps is on the phone (and actually holding the handset to her ear, GASP!). Oscar suggests that Tina volunteer to help people worse off that herself to help her realize she'll be okay. Somewhere in the background, Dr. MbaR says "lesbians" and I can't make out any other words. Maybe that's just the subliminal track of the show I'm hearing. Biceps thinks volunteering is a good idea, then asks if she's coming to Kit's show. But Tina doesn't wannaaaaaa! Kit's Show. And Biceps is there, without Tina. She runs into Single Mother. Oh yay. She's a glass fulla wit and whimsy. She asks if the group is better off without her. Biceps tells her it's not nearly as exciting. Single Mother says she didn't peg Biceps as a Kit Porter fan. D'oh. Biceps reveals that they're sisters (though she doesn't get into the halfsies of it). Single Mother introduces Biceps to her ex, CargoPants. CargoPants practically drools all over herself looking at Biceps, who advises that they get to higher ground and sit with some of her sister's friends. Single Mother asks about Tina. Biceps tells her that she talked back about a prior Slurpee incident so she locked her in the cellar. Or maybe she just wasn't feeling well. SlimFast's in da house, y'all! Biceps spits out everyone's names and they all sit down just in time for the Kit Porter Show. She takes the stage and scores mega points by making jokes about alcoholism and then introduces SilmFast, who calls her a "mother fuckin' diva." Kit starts up the jam session and SlimFast suggests that Biceps and CargoPants get it on because he things that'd be HAWT. Apparently, Kit sings Total Sex Music. Later, CargoPants yammers on about how she goes past the CAC every morning. SFW, I used to "go past" the Budweiser factory on my way to work every morning. That doesn't mean I had any goddamn connection with it. Although, I do enjoy an icy cold Bud Light. But this is not my point. Biceps asks what kind of work she does. She's a carpenter. The concept of a lady carpenter seems to amaze and/or amuse Biceps. Kit comes over with SlimFast who proceeds to totally fuck up her game by talking about how they're gonna hook up because he's "got the basic instinct about [Biceps]." Kit and her entourage head off and Biceps also takes this chance to bow out, telling CargoPants to stop by and check out the party in her pants, er, the museum on her lunch break. Planet Clout. Worffcesca's impatiently tapping her phone on the table as she waits for her order, bitching about the incompetence of the staff as ProRina runs around trying to take care of everything. My girlfriend AKA Dana enters, all eyes on her, as she is sporting her new look: Smoothie, Jr. Apparently, by Fred Siegel, TLLH meant Smoothie's closet, because the tank top, pants and wrist accessories are just like what Smoothie's wearing. TLLH tells her that if she didn't know better, she's have "thought someone hot just walked in." Smoothie and Dana both chastise TLLH for drinking coffee. Worffcesca wants to know why. They reveal TLLH's Maybe Baby and the Wacky Scheme to pass it on to Biceps and Tina. I hope this plan involves them pretending to find it in a cabbage patch. Worffcesca goes into some bullcrap about how it would change the DNA of family models and the way people reflect in relationships. ProRina jumps in and says she'd like to see some relationship reflection. Worffcesca seems to have no idea what she's talking about. Smoothie redeems the awkward moment by ducking out, saying she's on her way to check out her new salon space. Worffcesca tells ProRina there's a line at the counter and starts telling her how to run her business. TLLH runs after Smoothie, but Dana just sits there until Worffcesca asks her if she's late for something. "YES," is Dana's deliberate reply. Hee. She scampers off. Worffcesca lays into ProRina about picking a fight with her and yadda, yadda, yadda, talking to her like she's eight. She asks if ProRina's looking for someone to rescue her. "Maybe," says ProRina. Worffcesca says she's already rescued her. Dun dun dun. House 'o Noxon. Smoothie's there meeting up with Mr. Noxon. Ooo, hot date. He says that they need to drop off his HotDaughter so she can go shopping. He also says that he'd like Smoothie to spend some time with HotDaughter because she dropped out of college and she's "flailing." Because all college dropouts are going to fail at life and starve to death. God, I'm hungry. Smoothie put up a bit of a fight about it at first, but eventually gives in when Mr. Noxon says he'll consider it a "favor." Not Profit Thrills! Oscar shows Tina around the office, asking if she'd like to get involved with the Gay and Lesbian Alliance, but she says she'd rather work with underprivileged kids. Oscar introduces her to a couple of guys who are working ona case against some Christian big wig who's dumping cancer into a river that's killing some kids. This, of course, totally reminds Tina of Faetan. She asks if they've heard of the Faest Evil. Everyone exchanges ominous glances. CAC. Biceps is doing a dry run of her debate with Faetan. Her phone rings. Well, I assume it does, because she answers it, but I don't hear a damn thing. It's Tina calling to tell her about the Amazing Oscar and his Non Profits of Doom. Biceps skedaddles on down to Oscar's place, where Tina tells her a bunch of information about Faetan that Biceps already heard from her highly paid PR team. One of Oscar's flunkies hands him a video tape. Oscar tells Biceps that her people might be interested in seeing it. It's this movie about a chick welder who dances... or maybe it's just porno. Smoothie's about to pick up HotDaughter for their day out. Mr. Noxon says he's not going to forget it, then rambles on about how his wife is planning some mother/daughter trip to Europe and he wants her to try and convince HotDaughter that she wants to go. Lesbian Fun Date #264: Miniature Golf. Smoothie fucks up the easiest shot of all time and starts cursing up a storm in front of some small children. HotDaughter says she hasn't played this game since she was seven years old. Oh, shut up. You played it at least up until junior high. I hate girls that lie about shit like that. Smoothie says she never played it as a kid because her parents were never around. And then she MAKES A MOVE. Lesbian Seduction Tip #7: The Golf Swing. She puts her arms around her, giving her a couple tips about her swing, then they take the shot, but the ball just barely misses. Hot Daughter says it was, "a great technique, almost there." Because she was hoping Smoothie would cop a feel. They laugh. Biceps is checking out the video she got from Oscar's place. It seems that she still hasn't figured out that it's PORN, even though the tape is well into the beginning of the movie. As if she didn't notice from all the hardcore "1-900" ads they slap on the beginnings of those things. Not that I know. On the TV, we see the girls from the top of the episode. Biceps tells Oscar to turn it off and keeps looking away. Tina, however, seems pretty damn focused on the thing. Biceps asks if Oscars gonna tell her that Faetan produced the video. He freezes the tape on the face of one of the girls, saying she ran away when she's seventeen and ran away when she was fourteen. Her porn star name is "China." WTF kind of stupid porn name is that? I decided that mine is Courtney Coxsmith. And my friends are Jennifer Anuston and Matt LeShlong. But I digress. China's real name is Cora Buckley. HotDaughter and Smoothie are kickin' it under a tree in the park. HotDaughter's rambling on about how her parents know she's gay but she doesn't want to talk to them about it because they're pervs. Apparently, they got drunk and forgot to take their homemade porno out of the VCR. Smoothie gives them props for keeping things interesting. Hot Daughter tries to kiss her, but Smoothie pulls out the big "NO" card, saying it's not what Mr. Noxon had in mind when he sent them out. Oscar's giving some crazy speech about roads and closets and skeletons. I think he's saying that they need to bust out this porno in the fight against Faetan. The Palms! Bwaha. The Palms is a West Hollywood lesbian bar where my friend often gets hit on by ex cons. Dana's sitting alone at a table, all done up in her Smoothie, Jr. apparel. Aaaand, there's TrampyLipstick!Jenny. She asks if she can sit with Dana, saying she's never done this before. "You've never been to a bar before?" asks Dana. Jenny clarifies, saying she's never been to a "women's bar, by myself" but that's okay becaue Dana hasn't, either. She says that TLLH was supposed to come with her but her boyfriend called and ditched her. Jenny seems astounded at the fact that TLLH is bisexual, then comments on how the bar is very 1950's butch and femme. Dana jokes that it probably hasn't changed since the 50's, but that it doesn't really matter because you're still gonna have a few drinks, talk to people who you having nothing in common with and realize that you'll never meet someone who's right for you again. Aw. The OGStTB. Now, this scene, is one of the greatest moments in the current history of this show, and I will do my damnedest to capture it correctly. Jenny and Dana enter while Jenny bumbles around, saying it's messy and small and the only place to really sit is the bed. They sit, awkwardly. JENNY: So... You're a tennis player. DANA: Uh huh. (Long moment of silence while Dana taps her hands on her knees.) JENNY: What's that like? DANA: I... I train a lot. (They just stare at each other. And that's "stare" not "gaze.") JENNY: Wow. That's really interesting. DANA: I go on tour. JENNY: Oh, wow. DANA: Mmhm. JENNY: Yeah. (More awkward silence.) JENNY: I don't have anything to drink. (beat) Do you want juice? DANA: Sure. JENNY: Okay. At this point, Jenny gets up, leaving Dana to fuss with her shirt. They small talk about the studio. Jenny wisely turns on some music to fill the silence then hands Dana a glass of juice. They both sip the juice (she put straws in the cups) until Jenny's drained her glass. She sets it down then unceremoniously yanks down the top of her dress, leaving her topless. Dana looks frantic for about a second and a half, then sets her own cup down and leans over to kiss her. The fall backward, knocking over Dana's cup. Dana apologizes saying that she can get them dry cleaned, to which Jenny replies "Oh, there's worse stuff on it that that." Jenny pulls the blankets up over the spilled juice, then lies back down. Dana takes off her shirt, which activates the boob magnet in Jenny's hand because it flies up and grabs hold. They try to find a position on the bay window bed, which proves to be a tad difficult with Jenny trying to stick her ass up in the air every three seconds until Dana pushes her down. The hilarity continues with Dana banging her head on the wall, then someone rolling over one someone's hair. They wisely decide to call it quits before, as Jenny put it, "it gets too grim." They agree that maybe they should just be friends. The Planet. Marti Noxon buzzes in, arms full of shopping bags. She finds Smoothie in the back corner and sits next to her, yammering on about all these fancy things she has to do, managing to flash Smoothie some bitchin' motorcycle boots she bought for her. Smoothie wants to talk, saying that she can't fuck around with her marriage if she's going to be doing business with them. Marti says that's a bad idea and then makes her forget all logic by pointing out that she's not wearing any underwear. Paramount Studios. Tina and Biceps are walking through the lot, going over the questions for the debate. Biceps is worried that she's not fully prepared, but Tina, the ever supportive wife type, assures her that she is. Biceps thanks(!) her for being there, saying she knows that Tina's having a rough time. Who IS this woman? They kiss. Then Biceps says she'd rather kiss in front of Faetan. Bwaha. Jenny's coming home from the market and happens to see Tim and Trish frolicking around in the PoorTards' pool. Faetan and Biceps meet before they're shipped off to the make up chair for the debate. Faetan makes some comment about how the make up artist will likely have to mix colors to match Biceps' skin tone. Damn. Some Dude I don't remember tells Biceps that Faetan was just letting her know that she's got info about her personal life. He tells her that she has the okay to use the video. Pool Time. Tim hops out of the pool to answer his phone. It's Jenny calling from inside her shack. Heh. She tells him that she needs to be more careful and he should be dating a student. He hangs up and walks over to the door, making her open it. She wants him to come inside and not make a big scene in front of Trish, but Tim would rather be a BOY and make things dumber than they have to be. This time around, I'm on Jenny's side (GASP). She was trying to give him a heads up and keep his ass out of trouble and was being discreet about it. The debate begins. Jenny tells Trish that she should back off if she really cares about Tim. Tim tells Jenny that no one would even consider that she gives a shit about him. DebateHost asks Biceps if she's betraying the public with her controversial exhibits. She says no, because she should not be telling them what they can and cannot see. Aaaand they debate. Faetan says that Biceps is just trying to convert people to her lifestyle with such exhibits, but Biceps makes a good point about how images of a man flaying himself really isn't related to the hot, hot girl love. Now tell her you're not wearing any underwear! Hey, it worked for Smoothie. Worffcesca is packing for her trip. ProRina brings her a glass of wine. Worffcesca makes some snide comment about which wine she picked. ProRina says that if it's too expensive she can always pawn her watch. Worffcesca bitches that she should be more careful because it may interfere with who she chooses to take with her to some fancy foreign land when she wraps this film. ProRina pours the glasses of red wine right into Worffcesca's suitcase. And I applaud. Debate Town. Uh oh. Faetan made the mistake of calling Biceps a pornographer. You want porn, bitch. I'll give you porn. Faetan sees the tape that Biceps has now set on the desk. She shifts into full defensive mode, saying that God took Lil' GayMo away on purpose. Biceps breaks down in tears. It looks like Faetan tries to hug(?) her, but Biceps pushes her off, then hands DebateHost the tape. Hey, look! I'm done! With this one, anyway. |
