the one with the Charmin

After an eternal hiatus, it does seem that it's THAT time, again.

This presentation is rated TV MA.  For MAsturbatory!  Oh.  Mature Audiences.  I guess 
they didn't know I was gonna be here.

Previously, on The L Word:

Um… we had all of season one.

Jenny!  She had sex with a lady and Tim flipped out!

Smoothie!  She had sex with MartiNoxon and her daughter flipped out!

Dana!  She had TheCute sex with CrispyLara and everyone was full of joy, but then 
she had sex with Starfucker and WDK flipped out!

The Lovely Leisha Hailey!  She likes sex with boys and girl which made Dana crazy but 
then TLLH kissed Dana and the fans flipped out!

Kit!  She got involved with a courtship with Ivan and BossyBiceps flipped out!

The PoorTards!  They tried to bring a little Gaymo into the world, but suffered tragic 
loss which Faetan used against BossyBiceps in a debate, but only after BB brought up 
Faetan's daughter's porn career and Faetan flipped out!

BossyBiceps!  She had sex with a lady and Tenacious T flipped out!

Los Angeles, Present Day.  Tragic violins play.  Tenacious T's disrobing in a medical 
exam room.  Judging by the pregnancy chart in the background, I'm assuming she 
might be back at Dr. Ruth's.

TENACIOUS T  
When I did this, I thought I had a certain 
amount of security.  Whether it worked or not, I 
thought [BossyBiceps] and I were solid.

As she says this, we keep inter-cutting with BossyBiceps and CargoPants having All 
The Sex.

Dr. Ruth wants to know when T was planning to tell BB about this.  Oh shit... 
Tenacious T's carrying a brand new lil Gaymo, isn't she?  T says that she wanted to 
make sure all was well before telling BB, to avoid all the emotional stress of the 
miscarriage.  As she turns around, we see that she looks pretty damn pregnant.  
T says that she wants to keep the baby a secret, but Dr. Ruth thinks that's a little 
unlikely unless she can convince people she's taken to drinking entire kegs of beer 
during Monday Night Football.  It seems that Tenacious T's ready to raise this lil 
Gaymo all by herself.  More violins.

And, as I'm ready to hear that familiar techno L Word beat, I'm inundated with some 
chick rockish stuff and an actual intro that puts faces to names.  Although, not really, 
because the images of the actresses don't really match up to the names.  But it's 
kinda neat looking.  It ends with them waling toward the camera, hero style (See: 
Angel/Buffy opening credits).  Oh, it's not over.  The singer is now saying all these 
words (some "L" and some none "L" words) and we see Sarah Shahi playing DJ.  
It feels almost like some crazy Broadway number.  Does this mean we're leading up to 
a musical episode?  I mean, if 7th Heaven can do it...

In fact, I'm going to go back and recap this entire song.  Because it'd be a disservice 
not to.

Tickatickatickaticka 
Brwom deet dee da dee dee
Brwom deet dee da dee dee
(BossyBiceps is alone in bed)
Girls in tight dresses
(Dana jump ropes, Jenny hikes up her dress)
Who drag with mustaches
(TLLH and Dana ride a motorbike, TLLH is in black leather while Dana's 
in a white get-up like she's Celine Dion)
Chicks driving fast
(Kit sings)
Ingénues with long lashes
(Jenny and Smoothie look cozy in a sex way)
(JENNY'S BOOBS!)
(TLLH and her iBook and TheChart)
Women who LONG LOVE LUST
(BossyBiceps and NotIyari lounge by a pool)
(Tenacious T flaunts boobage while she talks on a cellphone while she's 
in the pool)
Women who GIIIIIIIIVE
(BossyBiceps wears Kennedy[the Slayer not the President-esque 
suspenders while she talks on a cell phone)
This is the way that we
(Smoothie's on camera)
Way that we LIIIIIIIVE
(NotIyari dances around)
(BossyBiceps puts on lipstick)
Brwooooooooom deet dee da dee deeeeeee
(BossyBiceps and Kit drive around in a fast red car)
(Oh, there's that hero shot, again)
TALKING LAUGHING LOVING BREATHING FIGHTING FUCKING CRYING DRINKING 
WRITING WINNING LOSING CHEATING KISSING THINKING DREAMING
(intercut with our girls)
(NotIyari plays DJ)
This is the way
(TLLH and Dana look at art)
It's the way that we live
(BossyBiceps stands around looking important next to some art)
It's the way that we LIIIIIVE
(The girls lounge around near the art)
(Smoothie leads someone off to go make out)
and LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE

(WATCH OUT, IT'S) THE L WORD!

I can't believe I just spent ten minutes doing that.

And I will say, right now, despite my overwhelming love for Iyari Limon, I will not be 
mean to Sarah Shahi.  Much.

BossyBiceps is alone in bed.  Or... not.  CargoPants pops up from under the sheets 
and says she's happy to have BB there with her, but BB doesn't answer.  In a moment 
reminiscent of Tim and Jenny, She asks BB where she went.

The Planet.  TLLH has knitted her hands together and wants to know why she was 
assigned the knitting because she, apparently, is not a knitter.  Smoothie says "it's 
crazy popular" with the gay boys and even some of the straight ones.

TLLH
Right, see, men should be knitting and 
women should be running the world.

Both of our ladies are sporting shorter haircuts this season, but Smoothie's hair is still 
so unruly that I wouldn't want to be left alone in a dark alley with it.

They discuss Tenacious T and BossyBiceps.  Smoothie comments on the tragedy of 
God allowing them to split up while TLLH is shocked to learn that Smoothie might 
actually believe in God.  And while it's probably just a throw away exchange, it deeply 
amuses me.  TLLH takes a sip of coffee, then announces that "it tastes like 
poopy-shit" and wants to know where ProRina's disappeared to.  Word is, she's been 
gone for days.  TLLH asks if Smoothie wants to talk about her trip to "[MartiNoxon] 
Land" but Smoothie insists she's fine and tells her to "stop being such a lez."  
TLLH analyzes that Smoothie must still be living by her "code" to "not do relationships."

We see a foot shot of someone entering The Planet.  Smoothie looks up and mutters, 
"Oh shit."  Upon seeing the entrant, I echo Smoothie's sentiment.  It's Starfucker.

TLLH
Oh no.  I cannot take Cruella DeVille this morning.

Me neither.

TLLH and Smoothie maneuver into a position where it looks like TLLH is sobbing on 
Smoothie's shoulder, assuming that no sensitive person would dare interrupt such a 
moment.  But we're talking about Starfucker, who just bursts in on them, talking about 
how The Planet is falling apart and asks if they heard what happened to ProRina.  
TLLH is suddenly all ears.

She was hit by a car while running down the street!  Oh... no.  They just cut to Dana 
working out, quite intensely.  Mmm... Sweaty!Dana.

Back to The Planet.  Starfucker says that ProRina had a nervous breakdown and was 
hospitalized after she slit her wrists in the Bel Aire hotel's penthouse suite while 
wearing her fabulous Dulce and Gabbana suit.  Smoothie suggest that they go visit 
her, but Starfucker exposits that ProRina's mother already shipped her back home to 
Milan.  OH.  That's where she was from.  And apparently she's a Contessa.  This 
whole time, Starfucker has this weird subtle Mid Atlantic Standard accent which shifts 
into her girlfriend/baby voice as soon as a Sweaty!Dana enters the room.  Starfucker 
says that she was just telling Smoothie and TLLH about the little tiff they had last 
night over the wedding plans, then barks an order for an iced green tea toward the 
counter.  TLLH and Dana exchange a Look.  Starfucker notices and asks TLLH if she's 
okay.  TLLH just says she's worried about ProRina.  Dana says that the bellboy caught 
her just as she was about to jump.  Buh?  STARFUCKER LIES.  But we knew that.  
Starfucker diverts attention by making a big deal about Dana's sweat.  Dana asks 
about the status of Situation PoorTard.  Starfucker babbles that Tenacious T found 
out about the affair because she walked in on BossyBiceps and CargoPants in 
her own bedroom.  TLLH rolls her eyes, which makes Dana snap at her, wanting to 
know what super inside info she has.  TLLH recaps what we saw when Tenacious T 
witnessed them touching hands at the art show.  Now Dana's freaked out at the idea 
of women's intuition, because she's worried that Starfucker will pick up on The Dalice 
Vibe.  Starfucker questions why BossyBiceps would leave Tenacious T for "someone 
who hammers planks for a living."  TLLH wants to know if Starfucker would approve of 
the affair if CargoPants had a better job.  Like, say, a job in journalism, perhaps?  
Smoothie tries to steer the conversation away from things that aren't their business, but 
TLLH and Dana start wondering why they can't just work things out.

SMOOTHIE
Because it's a sex thing and [BossyBiceps] can't help it.

Dana exchanges guilty glances with TLLH, rationalizing that there must be some way 
to keep sexual attraction under control.  Starfucker theorizes that women can control 
it, but men can't "because they're controlled by their peckers."  TLLH says there's no 
difference between genders and that this situation verifies that because BossyBiceps 
hasn't called it quits with CargoPants.  Starfucker's aghast that "[BossyBiceps] is still 
schtupping the carpenter."  Smoothie tries to clam things down once again, but 
Starfucker starts shouting about BossyBiceps' inability to control her pecker.  Which, 
of course, means that Tina's standing right behind her.  D'oh!

The Farmer's Market (or something like it).  Gene!  Oh, and Jenny.  Eh.  Gene's 
rambling on about different kinds of mushrooms while Jenny ogles every lesbian couple 
she sees.  He asks her about her thoughts on mushrooms and she claims to be scared 
of them.  Um.  What's that burning smell?  Oh.  My Freudian meter just exploded.  
Jenny goes on to tell some mushroom story from her youth, taking more time and 
energy to emphasize how beautiful some girl was than on the actual mushroom 
segment.  Jenny then sees green onions for the first time and marvels at them.  Uh, 
didn't she work at that organic food market?  I'm sure they had them there.  I'm 
going to assume that Jenny did a bunch of drugs during the hiatus.  Jenny asks 
OnionGirl if these onions taste different than, say, other onions.  OnionGirl tells her 
to smell them and Jenny determines that they're too strong.  Gene somehow 
translates all this onion talks as foreplay and asks, "Do you want to fuck her right 
here or do you both want to come back to my place?"  Buh?  Jenny drags him off and 
asks for the 411.  Gene says he likes her, but they don't have sex.  And he knows 
that the answer is that she's GAY.  Capital G. A-Y.

GENE
You are a girl loving, full-on lesbian.

After a random cut to the bitchin' folk band in the background, Jenny, in her black 
leather jacket and white t-shirt, butchly tells him that she doesn't think that's for him 
to say.  Heh.  Gene tells her to deal with it, then gives her flowers and a "good luck" 
before he walks away.

The Planet Bathroom.  Fancy.  TLLH exits a stall to find Dana leaning by the sinks.  
TLLH actually washes her hands, which is a rare event in television bathroom scenes.  
Just an observation.  Dana wants to know if they're ever going to "talk about this."  
TLLH plays innocent.  Dana just hovers in cute suspense, then gives up, ready to walk 
out until TLLH calls her back over.  TLLH asks if "it" was a mistake.  Dana says it can 
be if she wants it to be.  They get into a playful "who kissed who first and who kissed 
back after who started it" argument, then end up kissing again.  And yeah, it gives me 
that funny feeling in my tummy.  This is worse that TheCute, you guys.  Dalice AKA 
Dallas reigns supreme.  And if you think my clever 'ship names are sickening now, 
just wait till later.

TLLH eventually steps out of the restroom, alone.  The group seems to be trying to 
find Smoothie new work, despite Smoothie's protests.  It seems she's already landed 
herself a book touring, author type new client:  Ariana Huffington.  TLLH snarks that 
Ariana Huffington is fifty and not Smoothie's type.

SMOOTHIE
I'm doing her hair, [TLLH], I'm not gonna fuck her.

TLLH
Oh.  Cuz the old [Smoothie] would have.

SMOOTHIE
Well, in that case, if she's hot...

Hee.

Dana emerges from the restroom.  Fortunately, Starfucker isn't really a real character 
so she doesn't notice the guilty glances flying back and forth between her fiancée 
and TLLH.  She tells Dana about how Smoothie's "doing" Ariana.

DANA
Ariana Huffington!  She's FIFTY, [Smoothie]!

SMOOTHIE
Her HAIR.

Bwaha.

Tenacious T assures Smoothie that she's landed a good gig and that it may be a lead
in to some film clients. This is when I notice that Tenacious T's wearing a green
Carmen Sandiego style trench coat and I wonder where in the world baby Gaymo part
deux might be hiding because her stomach looks considerably smaller than it did ten
minutes ago. I know black's slimming, and all, but this is ridiculous. This is also when
Tenacious T notices that BossyBiceps is standing across from her. Oh. Shit.
BossyBiceps says she's not planning to sit and she's sure everyone there thinks she's
a "monster." I was going to say "maniac." A sex maniac. She says she needs to talk
to Tenacious T. Smoothie asks if they should leave, but T insists that they stay.
Anything BossyBiceps has to say can be said in front of all of them. I hate when
people drag you into their awkwardness. I mean, I'm all about supporting friends, but
sometimes, I like to have the option of being caught in the crossfire. BossyBiceps
claims that she didn't try to contact Tenacious T until this moment because she
wanted to make sure she could cut things off with CargoPants, then promises to
never see the hot bodied carpenter again. She goes on about how much she misses
and needs Tenacious T and insists that the affair has come to an end. Tenacious T
asks when it ended. "This morning," is the answer. Which, I guess is true. But that
seems kinda short notice and she didn't give herself any time to actually test herself
to see if she could stay away from CargoPants. BB rambles on about temporary
insanity until T interrupts, asking if she told CargoPants in person, or over the phone.
BossyBiceps wants to know why that matters. Because Tenacious T drove by the
house at two this morning and the Bossy Mobile wasn't there. PWNED!

TENACIOUS T
Did you FUCK all night before you told her  
I was the love of your life this morning?

And then... Tenacious T totally THROWS THE TABLE AT HER!  Hell hath no fury like a 
pregnant lesbian scorned.  Tenacious T storms off while Starfucker gasps at the 
coffee she's spilled all over her white pants.  She kind of looks like she peed herself, 
which makes me giggle.  Because I'm twelve.  And I really hate her.

Ivan's Garage. Ivan's giving Kit a tour and talking shop about picture cars. Kit's like,
"Huh?" I totally bought Jackie Brown last month and I keep flashing back to that
scene where Pam Grier's waiting for Samuel L. to show up and she keeps drawing the
gun and trying to figure out how much attitude she should give him. Which has
NOTHING to do with this. Ivan takes Kit inside. When we next see them, they're
discussing ProRina's suicide attempt. This version has her driving into a wall in a
parking garage, and Ivan agrees with me that it's not the most efficient way to off
yourself. Kit points out a framed newspaper clipping that reads, "Ivan Aycock,
Vintage Restorer to the Stars" and proclaims it's "The Bomb." Then she comments
that they're in Ivan's office. I think Kit did a bunch of drugs when I wasn't looking.
I'm sensing a secret drug taking theme in this episode. Ivan presents Kit with a large
flat jewelry case, which Kit is reluctant to accept until Ivan assures her that it's not
what it looks like. Inside is a set of keys. One of them is to Ivan's apartment, which
is only a block or so from The Planet, and Kit should feel free to drop by anytime.
It appears that, if things work out, Kit's taking over The Planet for ProRina. Also,
ProRina's mother is the Contessa, not ProRina. But none of that matters, because
Ivan thinks Kit's a queen. Kit asks about the other key on the ring. Ivan points out
the window to Kit's restored car, saying it's a gift to celebrate the restoration of Kit's
driver's license. Kit's not sure how to thank Ivan, so she leans in for a kiss (which is
what I ALWAYS do when I'm not sure how to thank someone), but Ivan stops her,
knowing Kit's not sure/ready. Aw. How come the sensitive nice guys are always...
women? They run downstairs to take Kit's fresh vintage ride for a spin.

Tim's unloading empty boxes from a U-Haul as he and Jenny discuss his new job at 
Ohio State.  Jenny's looking for a new place to stay.  Tim offers to let her take over 
the lease on the house, but Jenny can't afford it, even with her fancy new waitressing 
job at "Hank fifty-nine."  Tim's hair has grown out a bit and the look really suits him.  
I like Tim.  He's pretty.  He's also super understanding and backlit by the sun which is 
highlighting his bulging muscles.  Aaaaaand I'm back from my little trip to 
PrettyBoyLand.  That happens once in a while.  Jenny starts talking about her writing 
and Tim walks into the house, probably trying to keep his ears clear of any talking 
manatee stories.  Yeah, buddy, I'd do the SAME.THING.

The Office Garage Space that Tim Built.  Jenny's sitting around in a sequined Ice 
Dancing costume and writing.  About previous sexual encounters.  And how they're 
evoked.  And then she starts writing about Jane.

"What Jane understood, was that her parents were fighting again."  We cut to Jenny's 
mind and see parental 60's versions of Tim and LadyRobin arguing as a little girl (Jane?  
Jenny?  Janenny?) watches.  RetroTim walks away, but Janenny calls out for him not 
to leave.

BossyBiceps is sipping hard liquor by the poolside.  Tim tries to say goodbye, but 
BossyBiceps remains reclined on the lounge until she realizes that he's actually 
moving aross the country.  She apologizes and actually speaks with the man.  He says he's glad 
they got to know each other and says that maybe another "poor sucker will move in 
with his sexually confused girlfriend" and then one of BossyBiceps' predatory lesbian 
buddies can fuck things up for that guy.  FUN!  BossyBiceps relays that ProRina tried 
to kill herself by trying to drive her car off the Pacific Coast Highway.  Tim feels bad 
for making shitty comments about ProRina, then asks if Tenacious T is around so he 
can say goodbye.  Poor Tim.  He's really out of the loop.  I guess he didn't see the 
season finale.  They hug.  I wish I was drunk.

Ice Dancer Jenny reads the mail, which includes a sweepstakes entry and a rejection 
letter.  She tacks the letter to the wall, which is already covered in previous 
rejections.  I know some of the cats over at TwoP found this to be cliché, but I do 
the same thing.  So does Stephen King.  And we all know that Steve and I are the 
utmost authority on all things... writery.

CHICKS!  CHICKS!  CHICKS!  CHICKS!  An amped up version of the theme song is 
samples as Smoothie walks past some girls in vinyl space costumes on the back lot of 
a studio.  Once inside the studio, she becomes Glasses!Smoothie and I swoon.  
She meets Ariana Huffington, who proceeds to inquire about Smoothie's wardrobe and 
sexuality.  Ariana announces that she head "dykes are the new fags."  Smoothie 
comments that people have an incessant need to categorize things.  Then she 
starts doing Ariana's hair.  So, that conversation was... pointless.  Sorry, I've gotten 
used to Veronica Mars, where every moment in every scene has some kind of payoff.  
I forgot that some shows just feature hot chicks talking about sex.  Ariana rambles 
on about her book, then asks Smoothie what she wants and I wish I was drunk.  
Thankfully, NotIyari comes in with Ariana's latte.  And NotIyari's name is Carmen.  
And she's totally cute.  Smoothie and NotIyariCarmen flirt for a second, then NIC 
hurries out, looking slightly embarrassed.

Smoothie follows Ariana to the set, physically running into NIC and her cart fully of 
crap.  NIC apologizes and moves on down the hall.  Ariana knows a lesbian sex set up 
when she sees one and dismisses Smoothie to go in for the kill.

We next see Smoothie and NIC walking together, very high school style as Smoothie 
carries a stack of NIC's videotapes.  NIC's a PA by day, DJ by night.  Can't help but 
love a girl who embraces abbreviations.  This is WDK with the CS Recap.  Thank you.  
They engage in a little awkward small talk until the assistant director calls for final 
touches on Ariana.  Smoothie excuses herself to go back to work, but before she 
gets away, NIC asks if she wants to hear something.

Sound booth.  NIC's playing a remix of the theme song, claiming that it's what she 
aspires to create.  Smoothie makes some smart ass comment about the mix.

NIC
Fuck you.

SMOOTHIE
Ok.  If you want.

That line never works for me.

NIC has this very cute habit of biting her lip.  So... um, they start getting naked to 
the Theme Remix, which keeps repeating "FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING," then they 
stop making out long enough to exposit that NIC's big ol' tribal style tattoo has 
something to do with her father who died before she was born and then they get 
back to action.  And... I have to... um... huh?  "FUCK FUCK FUCK."  And, using canon 
names, this 'ship would be called Sharmen.  Or Charmin.  Bwaha.

The AD wants to know where Smoothie is.  "Where's HAIR?!"  We cut back to see 
that "Hair" is giving NIC's bellybutton the old college try.

Some poor kid is trying to pitch a show idea to BossyBiceps, who's just reading a 
catalogue or something in the background.  This is like that time we held auditions for 
a fictional show and I was the director and all I did during all the auditions was read a 
Xena merchandise catalogue.  Something about art and BossyBiceps is a bitch and 
speaking of bitches, here's BitchboyJames with a message from CargoPants but 
BossyBiceps won't take the call because she's not speaking to her even though she's 
called, like, five times and this poor kid just wants to show some Japanese anime 
inspired are and I just want a scene that's not boring as all hell.

Hank Fifty-Nine, where it's always a Futuristic 1971.  DayPlayerWaitress makes sure 
that Jenny's ready to take an order by herself.  YES!  Jenny attempts to take the 
order, but the patrons are those stereotypical LA bitches who want to know about 
kinds of beef and substitutions.  And yes, those people exist.  They also go to Girlbar 
and don't talk to me.  Jenny, in a moment of likeability, leaves the Bitch Table waiting 
as she goes to talk to LadyRobin, who just walked through the door.  LadyRobin 
wants to know if Jenny is okay.  Jenny says she's getting the hang of waitressing.  
LadyRobin clarifies that she's talking about ProRina.  The real story is that ProRina 
checked into the hotel, the neighbors heard screaming, and the bellman found 
her drugged up on three bottles of pills and totally out of her mind.  LadyRobin was 
the first person called because her number was in ProRina's purse.  When she got to 
the hospital, ProRina was calling Jenny's name.  Yeah, but Jenny's totally a common 
name.  I know, like, ninety people named Jenny.  And most of them live in Los Angeles 
County.  It could have been ANY ONE of them.  Jenny (Schecter, just to clarify), 
walks away.  Bitch Table is still bitching about their order.

Beverly Hills.  More theme remix plays.  CHI CHI CHI CHI.  Random trip down memory 
lane:  When I was in high school we took this field trip to Universal Studios and they 
had this computer that featured all the characters from the Munsters and you could
type in words and pick a character and they would say whatever you typed.  Except, 
it pronounced things phonetically, so when we put in "Ch-ch-ch-chia" we got 
Grandpa Munster saying, "See aych see aych see aych CHAYA."

What?  Lesbian show?  Oh, right.

Dana and Starfucker are looking for hot appliances to add to their wedding 
registration.  Starfucker wants some billion-dollar espresso machine, saying that 
people might chip in together to get it.  Dana's reaction is, "Asdfjkl;" Dana's phone 
rings.  It's TLLH, but Dana pretends it's her old tennis partner.  Starfucker wanders 
away to look at cut crystal.  TLLH is at her knitting group, which is a hilarious setting.  
Yarn is comedy gold.  They agree to meet at Runyon Canyon.  1030?  Too 
early.  11?  Traffic will be bad on the 405.  Dana, honey, traffic's ALWAYS bad on the 
405 and it SUCKS.  Unless you're Willow and Faith in this fan fic my buddy wrote this 
one time.  Then the stopped traffic is orgasmic.  TLLH sets the rendezvous for four in 
the afternoon.  A woman at the knitting club notices that the neck on whatever 
TLLH is knitting isn't big enough.  TLLH agrees, but thinks it's the perfect size for a 
dildo harness.

The Poor's.  Because Tard don't live there anymore.  BossyBiceps nibbles on Chinese 
food out of the box as Kit tries to make her eat on a plate.  Kit offers to talk to 
Tenacious T on BossyBiceps' behalf, with a speech that contains the phrase 
"Pootie chasin' dog."  BossyBiceps is willing to try anything.  They talk about Kit's 
business plan for The Planet.  BossyBiceps thinks it looks solid and is willing to co-sign 
on a loan, but doesn't have enough cash for the down payment.  Kit suggest bringing 
Ivan in on it, but BossyBiceps doesn't like that because she thinks it will further lead 
Ivan on.  Conflict, conflict, conflict... eventually, Kit wants to know how BossyBiceps 
knows that she's not interested in Ivan.  BossyBiceps points out that Kit is straight.  
Kit points out that Ivan had presented himself as a man and she's fine with that.  
BossyBiceps considers that to be delusional thinking.

KIT
Maybe in the World According to [BossyBiceps]!

BossyBiceps is like, "Huh?  I thought that was the ONLY world.  There's others?"

TOGStTB.  LadyRobin tends to a post-fainting spell Jenny, who reveals that the 
apartment hunt is a crapfest unless she wants to pay "one thousand dollars to live in 
a hovel under the freeway."  And, again, there's a smidgen of likeability to our dear 
crazy Jenny.  LadyRobin suggest that she move in with her.  She's got a 
rent-controlled two bedroom and Jenny could live there for free.  Jenny, regaining 
her normal state of idiocy, refuses the prospect of free lodging in West Los Angeles.

Planet.  TLLH asks BossyBiceps if she can be out of the house for a few minutes so 
Tenacious T can drop by and pick up a few things.  BossyBiceps says it's 
Tenacious T's house, too, and she can stop by any time.  SO not the point.  I think 
Tenacious T's totally passive aggressive and BossyBiceps is going to be REALLY 
SORRY she ever even once thought about fucking up.  BossyBiceps says that she 
couldn't help herself when it came to CargoPants.  TLLH, like the rest of the viewing 
audience, thinks that's bullshit.  BB goes on to talk about how TT shut her out and 
disappeared.  So, the next step is to bone the carpenter.  And, no, the irony of TLLH 
questioning BB on all of this is not lost on me.  BUT, I think one of the differences 
between Dana/TLLH and BossyBiceps/Cargo pants is that BB keeps making excuses.  
She says she was wrong to do it, but then drops all this extra crap on top of it, like 
the world should feel sorry for her.  In Dana's case, I think that when it comes time 
to actually own up to her actions, she will.  Not to mention that I think she'd cut 
things off with Starfucker before things get too steamy with TLLH.  She's too 
neurotic not to.  But, we'll see.

Ivan's apartment complex.  Kit exits her newly spruced up Chevy, giving me more 
Jackie Brown flashbacks.  She presses the buzzer, but there's no answer, so she 
uses her key.  Up in the apartment, music's playing loudly, which is always a cue to 
me that someone's in the shower.  Kit announces herself over the music, saying she's 
early.  She wanders into the bedroom/staging area where we see Ivan's accessories, 
like a wig and a penis.  I find it somewhat amusing that Kit feels the need to actually 
touch it.  The dildo, not the wig.  Ivan, however, does not.  She enters the room, 
strapping down her breasts, sees Kit, then shoves her out of the room.  Kit apologizes, 
but Ivan yells at her to leave.  Someone at TWoP pointed out something that's been 
bothering me.  If Ivan identifies as a man, why have the long girly hair?  Maybe Kelly 
Lynch doesn't want to cut it.  But that just seems weird and petty.  Then again, 
that's Hollywood's middle name.

Runyon Canyon.  TLLH brings out the LL in her name by rolling up only one pant leg.  
I'll take that as a shout-out.  She and Dana discuss the possibility that they're 
attracted to each other.  They decide that admitting attraction may take some of 
the power out of it.  TLLH admits she's attracted to Dana.  Dana returns the 
sentiment, then runs off.  I have to echo mad_typist's sentiment and say, "Adorkable!"  
She runs back and asks what it means.  They're attracted to each other, they 
just have to agree not to act on it.

TLLH
We just took the first step,  
we took the power out of it.

DANA
(beat, lingering gaze)
I think we need to take the second step.

TLLH decides they need to counteract it by avoiding situations where they find each 
other most attractive.  Rule 1: Never be alone together.  Especially in places where 
there's a bed or a couch.  Or a table.  Or a floor.  Dana grins at the floor prospect.

TLLH
Or the backseat of a car.

DANA
Ooo, that'd be good.  That WOULDN'T be good!

Hee!

TLLH says that Dana needs to stop showing up at The Planet as Sweaty!Dana.  SEE?
Totally hot.  Apparently, Starfucker hates Sweaty!Dana.  Dana says that TLLH has to 
stop wearing those shirts that cling in some places and fall off in others.  TLLH 
chuckles, and they rehash the "fuck you" joke from the Charmin scene.

DANA
Fuck you.

TLLH
Okay, that's totally against the rules.

They run down the hill like elementary school kids, verifying that I won't care if Dana 
cheats on Starfucker because they're, again, "ADORKABLE!"

Tim Haspell's house of manly arms.  Jenny gives Tim back their wedding rings and asks 
if she can keep his broken stopwatch, saying she doesn't want the memory of them 
to evanesce.

TIM
Let's not evanesce.

Amy Lee is totally hot.  What?  Oh.  Tim drinks a beer.  I really want a beer.

Tenacious T comes "home."  I'm wondering what BossyBiceps did with the car, 
because Tenacious T obviously thinks she's not home, but there she is sitting in the 
bedroom.  She says she needs to see Tenacious T, but T's not having it.  She grabs 
her clothes as BossyBiceps tries to explain her actions, then walks out.  BossyBiceps 
screams after her, but it's no use.

MILK.  Smoothie smoothes her way through the crowd.  NIC (who will likely get a new 
name once I get to know her) waves to Smoothie from the bar.  Smoothie waves 
back, then looks over at some other girl at the other end of the bar.

Tim's empty house.  Tim downs his beer.

Smoothie's getting cozy with OtherBarGirl when NIC confronts her, asking what's up.  
Smoothie says she just came in to have a good time and wasn't expecting to see NIC.
NIC points out that she's currently accessible and wonders if Smoothie is capable of 
changing her plan.  Smoothie points out that she doesn't ever have a plan.  NIC 
shrugs it off and walks away.  To find me.  So we can play Scrabble.  "Bellybutton"
is just the kind of word I need to get a Triple Word Score.

TOGStTB.  Tim clomps into the room while Jenny sleeps.  He strips off his clothes, 
then stands in front of the bed, calling her name.  She rolls over and looks at him.  
And this... is where things get weird.  She says she doesn't want to have sex, 
because she doesn't want things to end that way, but he starts anyway.  Then she 
seems to be okay with it and he stops, puts on his pants and walks out the door.  
Jenny echoes Janenny saying, "Please, don't leave."  I'm kind of having a beef with 
the writers turning the two sensitive understanding males on this show into less 
understanding bastards.  Last time we saw Gene and Tim, they weren't these guys.  
It's like they wanted them to seem assholian just so that we'd be glad to see them 
go.  It's bad for the well rounded aspects of the show... but it'll be great for the snark.

Poor House.  BossyBiceps tries to grab a hot kettle with her own hand and burns 
herself.  Oh, blatant symbolism, I love thee.  She looks out the window and sees 
Jenny in the empty house across the way.  For a moment, I wonder if they're going 
to have comfort sex, but then I remember that this show is not THAT interesting.

And that's it for this week.  Catch you next time, you crazy kids.