Limb from Limb

It all comes down to this. And a funeral for a cat. This show is so gay.

Okay, as soon as I'm done listening to Otis Redding, we're off on this whirly gig of fun. And I'd like to take this time to say that it has been a whiz-bang good time doing these recaps and I can't wait to see what next season has in store for our girls. But before we get too nostalgic, let's RECAP!

Previously on The L Word: We had a whole season full of totally gay excitement! Except for Tim. He was all hetero. Which is fine. We're liberal here.

Los Angeles, California. Three Days Ago. BossyBiceps pulls into a parking space. Now, I'll betcha that one of the main reasons for this entire "opening with a scene from the past" gimmick was specifically to lead into this moment. Television writers are so clever. And pretty. BossyBiceps steps out of the car just in time to see CargoPants drive into the parking structure in her classic El Camino.

And right about now is where you find out I just watched half of the fourth season of Angel in two days. When Laurel Holloman's name popped up on the screen, my immediate thought was, "Sweet! Justine's in this episode!" If you were battling insomnia, you'd be a little worse for wear, too. And when I do sleep, I have dreams like I did the other night where Laurel Holloman was teaching some crazy advanced math at the local junior college and I was in her class. After the class, I wanted to leave her a note (I'm sure it said something important like, "Let's make out!") but there was another class right after mine and her T.A., William H. Macy, wouldn't let me stick around long enough to leave one for her. Macy's such a bitch sometimes.

BossyBiceps watches CargoPants park the car, then hops into the passenger seat and says, "Take me somewhere." CargoPants stares at her for a moment, then restarts the car and back out of the space.

L Word theme: Finale remix!

A naked back. That's all I see. Oh, wait... there's Jenny's naked front. We're in the OGStTB. The back belongs to LadyRobin who asks when she can see Jenny again. Jenny begins to invite her to Provocations on Thursday, but LadyRobin has plans. With ProRina, if I remember correctly. LadyRobin says that, in retrospect, she wouldn't have accepted the date with her Thursday suitor. Suitette? Hmmm. Jenny reveals that she has a date tonight. LadyRobin says she's a little jealous, but Jenny's okay with that. Sexy Portishead music plays and I see a lot of hands and nipples. Well, not an unnatural amount. I'm not looking at Chandler's nubbin or anything. Anyway, hands start touching other places and there's panting and grunting and kissing.

Meanwhile, Tim's playing the kindly husband/neighbor and dropping of Jenny's newspaper. He's about to knock on the door, but he can see Jenny and LadyRobin through the sheer curtain over the window. Now, I don't know about you, but I'm paranoid that people can still see me through my regular curtains when I'm just doing innocent things like... writing Faith/Kennedy/Willow femslash in my pajamas. Jenny should go to Ikea. Window shades are, like, five dollars. Jesus. Tim is startled to see some rather aggressive girlsex, gawks for a couple seconds, turns to walk away, remembers to drop the paper on the doorstep, then walks back toward his house in a bit of a daze. I can't tell if he's sad or just suffered visual overload brain freeze. I get that every time Britney releases a new video.

BossyBiceps and CargoPants are traipsing through the Blair Witch Forest. There's a house. It looks like Rustin Parr got a new place. Oh, it's a Bed and Breakfast. Maybe I'll open a Blair Witch themed B&B. That'd be fun. We'll leave gummi tongues wrapped in flannel outside your room. BossyBiceps is about to STUPIDLY pay for the room with her credit card until CargoPants stops her, telling her that she wouldn't want it to show up on her statement. Duh. Good thing BossyBiceps doesn't run an internet porn site, or you'd get billed by "BOSSY'S DIRTY PORNO GIRLS TO JERK OF TO!!!" instead of "BP's Web Services." CargoPants whips her card out and hands it to the desk clerk. Portishead is still playing and it makes me feel sexy. Bands with "Head" in the title are usually pretty good: Portishead, Talking Heads, Radiohead. All pretty damn swell. They make it up the stairs then just start making out and slamming around into walls. GET A ROOM. Oh yeah. Okay, so GO INTO THE ROOM YOU GOT! They go into the room. BossyBiceps pins CargoPants up against the door, but CargoPants pushes her over to the bed, then climbs on top of her, pinning BossyBiceps' hands up over her head. She says, "You can't ALWAYS be in control." And now we know. BossyBiceps is the top that wants to be dominated. And despite the fact that I don't like CargoPants the character, this scene is still HOT. I just learned how to make mini movie icons, by the way. The part that disturbs me most about this scene is that they paid to get a room and yet they don't even get naked before they have sex. I hope they're staying a while. Well, I mean, I don't HOPE they do because it's all so terribly wrong, I just think it's sad to pay for something and not use it.

Tenacious T's shouting something about needing a plumber. She's under the sink while Oscar sits next to her holding the tools. Heh. He says they also need a carpenter to make the place presentable. Where are they? Tenacious T pops out from under the sink and says she knows CargoPants. But BossyBiceps is the one who knows her Biblically. Oscar thinks they should call her. Tenacious T whips out her cell phone and calls BossyBiceps' office. She asks BitchboyJames to tell BossyBiceps to call her when she gets in and then asks him for CargoPants' number.

Smoothie's outside her new salon staring at a window that has her name on it. HusbandNoxon steps out of his car and asks her what she thinks of it. She thinks it's awesome. Husband Noxon wants to know "why the fuck" she did "it." Smoothie turns and begins to try and explain herself, but he cuts her off talking about not getting involved with people's family members when you're in business with them. He says that he already knew HotDaughter was "into girls" saying it might be experimentation or a phase. At this point, Smoothie realizes he doesn't know about Marti. He lays down the bottom line, saying that Smoothie's fling with HotDaughter makes him question her honesty. Smoothie again tries to explain herself, saying that she didn't sleep with HotDaughter. HusbandNoxon tells her not to bullshit him and that "[he's] already cutting [her] a shitload of slack." He informs her that Marti's out for blood and that she doesn't like the fact that HotDaughter's gay. Smoothie rushes to her car while he's still talking, leaving him to wonder, "WTF!"

Smoothie's outside the Noxon Estate, yelling into the intercom for Marti to open the gate. The gate opens and HotDaughter runs out, getting into Smoothie's truck. Smoothie tells her to get out, but HotDaughter starts babbling about how her parents are upset and can't handle the reality of them. Whoa. Smoothie really picks the sane ones, huh? HotDaughter says that she loves Smoothie. Smoothie hits the gas and pulls up the driveway.

NoxonHouse. We can hear Marti yelling at someone about organization. Smoothie comes in from the side door. Marti yells at her to get out, but Smoothie insists that she never touched HotDaughter. Marti seems to believe her and they cry and hug until HotDaughter walks in and sees them, calling one of them a "fucking bitch." She runs off while Marti chases after her.

Jenny's Shack of Indecency. Jenny's watering plants. Tim knocks on the door than pops his head in, politely asking if he's interrupting. She says he not and asks him how he's doing. He says he's good and asks about her. Jenny gives a very content, I just had great sex, "I'm good." He says they need to get a divorce. Jenny seems fine with that. He tells her that he got the name of a lawyer and that they should go see him. Then he quietly walks out.

Good news: Dana! Bad news: She's crying. Worse news: IcyTonTon's in this scene. And I just realized that IcyTonTon is Sucker Upper, Starfucker! So, she has a new name. Again. Dana's sitting on the floor next to her bed, sobbing. Starfucker pops her head in to tell her that The Lovely Leisha Hailey is there. TLLH pushes past Starfucker and rushes to Dana's side, consoling her. Starfucker says she "tried to get somebody to come over and remove it" but Dana been sitting there for three hours. TLLH says that they should make arrangements and that she'll do anything. Starfucker leaves the room. Good. The camera tilts down to reveal that Dana's cradling a dead Wank Master Piddles. Sniff. Dana says she doesn't want in cremated. TLLH says that they'll have him buried and she'll arrange a burial plot. She suggests that they get a casket, "Maybe mahogany. Only the best for [Wank Master P]." As sarcastic as TLLH can be, she's totally sincere in this moment and you can see that these two love the heck outta each other.

The CAC. BossyBiceps is going over the Provocations floor plan with BitchboyJames and some anonymous important looking woman with glasses. BitchboyJames and AILWoman leave to do BossyBiceps' bidding. Kit and NotDragIvan enter the office. Kit calls BitchboyJames "Big James" and says, "Hola!" Did Kit just do a bunch of drugs? Or maybe it's just the wackiness of sobriety and being high on life. NotDragIvan is carrying a large bag of take out from some restaurant that BossyBiceps likes. Kit tells her that NotDragIvan picked it up while she was in her AA meeting. BossyBiceps seems unhappy about something.

Generic Charity Place Where Tenacious T's Been Working. Tenacious T walks into a room, followed by CargoPants. "Thank you so much for coming," says Tenacious T. There's a dirty joke in there. Yep. That's the one. She says that CargoPants must know what she wants to talk about. CargoPants plays dumb and says she has no idea. Tenacious T gestures at their surroundings and says that they really need a carpenter to help fix the place up because the kids love it there. OH THAT! Relieved, CargoPants says she's willing to help, giving an over- enthused, "Anything for the kids!"

BossyBiceps corners Kit, asking her what in the hell she thinks she's doing, pointing out that NotDragIvan is "madly in love" with her. Kit says that she and NotDragIvan are friends and "he" helps her out with stuff. BossyBiceps counters, emphasizing that "she" is only helping Kit out so much because "she" is madly in love with her and wants to be her husband. Kit thinks this is crazy talk, but BossyBiceps reports that she's observed how NotDragIvan looks at Kit and "[NotDragIvan] is fully courting [Kit], old school and [Kit's] letting her." Kit thanks her for "the lessons of the ritual mating habits of indigenous lesbians." Hee. She emphatically suggests that next week they can cover butch and femme role-playing. NotDragIvan appears in the doorway, saying that she and Kit should get going and let BossyBiceps get back to work so she can "get home to the little woman sometime tonight." Oh, but which one? Dun dun dun. BossyBiceps gives her sister "I told you so" eyes as Kit walks out, arm in arm, with NotDragIvan.

The Aquarium. Jenny's watching some fish. Or chickens, if you're Jessica Simpson. She tells Gene that staring at fish is SO much better than dinner and a movie. I think Jenny doesn't get out much. She asks if this is how Gene gets all the girls. What, by bringing them down into his creepy fish lair? Sex-ay. I should probably state, right now, that I have this enormous phobia of really large aquariums because I'm afraid the glass will shatter and the creatures will eat me. Shut up, it could happen. Didn't you see Jaws 3? Gene admits he doesn't date much, saying he was with the same woman for the last five years and she hated fish, so they never really hung out at the aquarium together. They apparently weren't the greatest match. She also liked to exercise in the morning and he hates both exercise and mornings. This entire scene is just one master shot up against the backdrop of the fish swimming around and Gene's silhouette sometimes looks like Casey Affleck, then shifts to Luke Wilson. I kind of like Gene, but this scene is boring. Sigh. He fidgets with his hands and says he wrote his thesis on nocturnal behavior and never broke the habit of staying up late. Blah, blah, blah... he likes to read at night his ex wasn't Jewish and they kiss. It takes them a minute, though. Which I can understand. I have this thing where it'll take me, like, five hours to work up the courage to kiss a girl, even if I know it's a pretty sure thing. Jenny and Gene kiss almost as loudly as Season Two Buffy and Angel. He asks her if it was okay. Gene. Not Angel. They both mumble on about different things. I try to focus but... hey, a quarter!

Gene's office. They're still having two separate conversations until Jenny grabs Gene and opens up his pants. He says she doesn't have to, but she wants to. So they start having The Sex up against the glass of the seal aquarium, which I find offensive. Those poor seals. Jenny must be worried about the seals, too, because she's crying. Gene, ever the gentleman, notices and asks if she's okay. She says she is, but he points out the obvious tears that are happening. Jenny makes a couple attempts to try and explain something, but she just sobs. Gentleman Gene holds her while she cries.

Wank Master P's Funeral. TLLH and Tenacious T are viewing the body. Tenacious T says that Master P doesn't look quite right. TLLH says that's because "he's not fully thawed out, yet." She and Smoothie were worried he might decompose so they put him in the freezer. Tenacious T gives her the greatest "WTF?" look then asks how Smoothie's doing because she seems preoccupied.

Smoothie's sitting off to the side, talking on her cell phone. TLLH says she doesn't know and that Smoothie's not dishing any details, but she assumes it has something to do with "her Hollywood wife." We hear Smoothie leaving a message, begging for a return call.

Kit and NotDragIvan arrive. Kit offers Dana her condolences, saying she was glad to get to know him before he passed on. And EW! Dana and Starfucker are wearing nearly identical suits! Stop the insanity! I would so much rather have Dana be dating Susan Powter than IcyStarfucker. I love how her name changes all the time. She's like the devil with her many names. StarfuckerTonTon, not Susan Powter. NotDragIvan offers her condolences to Starfucker, saying that she didn't know him. I shouldn't giggle at a funeral, but that was funny to me. And Starfucker's a total bitch because she doesn't shake her hand until the very last moment when she realizes that NotDragIvan isn't going anywhere until she does. NotDragIvan gives Dana a casual comforting pat on the shoulder as she and Kit go to pay their respects to Wank Master P. BossyBiceps shows up and hugs Dana. And Starfucker has to lean in and hug with them. Gag. BossyBiceps hands Dana a gift, saying it was intended to be a Christmas present, but she wants her to have it now. It's a painting of Wank Master P by one of BossyBiceps' favorite artists. Aw! That's actually a very sweet gift. She might be Bossy but she does have a heart. Somewhere. They hug and, again, TonTonStarfucker has to be in on it. TLLH is just as disgusted by the twin suits as I am. Dana asks Starfucker to take the painting for her. I'm sure she'll put it someplace safe, like in a vat of gasoline next to the fireplace.

Tenacious T and BossyBiceps share a quick peck as Tenacious T asks how her day was. Fortunately she doesn't have to answer because ProRina hands two glasses of wine to Starfucker. Ooo, maybe they're going to get her drunk so she passes out and then they can lock her in the closet and let the rats nibble on her unconscious body. Or maybe ProRina's just going to toast Wank Master P. Everyone follows suit and toasts. Dana downs half her glass of wine then decides she should say something. She thanks everyone for coming and calls them "the best friends anyone could ever have." Behind her, we can see that the interior lid of the coffin has Wank Master P's name on it. This is also when I notice the Reader's Digest "Music to Memorialize Your Pets To" music in the background. Dana says, "It's times like these when you realize what's important. And those are the people who are there for you. The ones who got you through, and... and the ones you can't live without." I don't like where this is headed. She says she's realized how important Starfucker is to her. No, Dana! Don't do it! She says that Starfucker's been there for her through this difficult time and then shows everyone the ring on Starfucker's finger, announcing that they're engaged. I hope this is a love spell. Shit, wait. Wrong show. Still. I hope this is a love spell. Everyone's reactions are priceless: ProRina looks like she's trying not to spit- take. TLLH mutters "No way." Smoothie says the "Oh shit" that we're all thinking. BossyBiceps and Tenacious T exchange "Buh?" and "WTF?" glances. Dana just wishes Wank Master P could be there because she's sure he'd be filled with joy just like she is. Now, as much as I despise Starfucker, Meredith McGeachie is excellent in this role. I say this now because I realized that she doesn't have a single line in this entire scene, yet I still want to beat Starfucker with a stick. I think a lot of actors tend to be disliked just because their characters aren't well received (See: Iyari Limon AKA Kennedy). But she plays brilliantly off of Erin Daniels and the key thing to remember is that we're supposed to dislike her. I think this differs from the CargoPants situation because she has her likeable moments. Or tries, anyway. StarfuckerBot has always come off as someone who's looking to use Dana to elevate her own status.

The PoorTards'. BossyBiceps bitches about Tenacious T hiring CargoPants to work at the Generic Children's Charity, saying it's a "conflict of interest" and neither fair to the CAC or CargoPants. Tenacious T didn't think it would be a big deal and doesn't understand why BossyBiceps' panties are all in a twist over it. BossyBiceps says that Tenacious T is "exploiting [CargoPants]" because she doesn't make that much money in the first place. Tenacious T says that CargoPants seemed happy to take the job, which just pisses BossyBiceps off even more, because she didn't know CargoPants had taken the job. She storms off and slams the door, likely thinking something about keeping her bitches in line. Tenacious T throws her shoe.

Smoothie's passed out in her truck outside the Noxon Estate. A cop knocks on the window and tells her to move her vehicle. She says she's just waiting for someone and they should be coming out at any moment. The cop says that no one's coming out because they filed a restraining order against her. Well, shit.

The PoorTards'. BossyBiceps is asleep on the couch. Not for long! She's awakened by Tenacious T slamming stuff around in the kitchen. Tenacious T grabs her bag and huffs toward the door, but BossyBiceps starts apologizing to her, saying she overacted. It looks like she didn't sleep much the night before. She rambles on about how she's stressed over the show and just wished that Tenacious T had told her she was planning on talking to CargoPants. Because, you know, then she wouldn't have fucked her. Tenacious T asks if they can talk later because she's on her way to meet Oscar. BossyBiceps asks if she'll at least accept the apology. Tenacious T does and says that she's sorry for not warning her. But really, why? Sigh. She also says that they've been pretty out of touch lately. BossyBiceps starts talking again, but Tenacious T cuts her off and goes to leave, saying that she'll call BossyBiceps later, when she has time. Ooo, burn! The second Tenacious T's out the door, BossyBiceps mutters to herself, wondering what in the hell she's doing.

The OGStTB. Jenny's snug as a bug in a... windowsill bed. She opens her eyes to see Gene lying at the foot of the bed, watching over her. He's still dressed. And there's the nice touch of Tenacious T starting her car driving away in the background. Gene wanted to make sure Jenny was okay. She apologizes for last night saying that Gene "must have thought [she was] a crazy person." Jenny Schecter? Crazy? Lady, it's talk like that that's crazy. Gene says she seemed "really sad." From the way their talking, it sounds like Jenny spent the night dumping her entire first season character arc in his lap. He asks if he's the "the first guy [she] tried to be with since... [she] fell in love with that woman, and... [her] marriage fell apart, and... [ProRina] dropped [her] like a hot potato?" Jenny says he's the first guy since Tim. Gene suggests that maybe she doesn't like men, but she insists that she does, then says she understands if Gene doesn't want to see her again. Gene counters, asking if she'd like to see him again. Jenny kisses him, then says she likes him. He says he likes her too. I know this is meant to be a sweet juxtaposition to all the intense carnal stuff that's usually going on, but it's like watching sixth graders by the fountain at the mall while Jenny reveals that she's been writing "Jenny hearts Gene" all over her Trapper Keeper. Oh shit. I just dated myself. Yeah, well, all you kids with your fancy Five Star padded notebooks, you just know that the Trapper Keeper is the granddaddy of all self contained notebooks.

NotDragIvan and Kit are out to breakfast. It seems that NotDragIvan has taken the liberty of ordering and hops Kit's okay with that. Kit's amazed that NotDragIvan knows her so well and says she's getting spoiled. NotDragIvan insist that nothing could Kit. Kit makes the "We need to talk" face and says that she adores NotDragIvan and thinks she's "the finest person [she's] ever had the privilege of spending time with." But it doesn't feel right to her. NotDragIvan wants to know what doesn't feel right. Kit's afraid that she doesn't have anything to offer in return. NotDragIvan starts saying that Kit's offered so much, but Kit cuts her off. She emphasizes that she's a heterosexual woman, has been all her life, and if NotDragIvan were a man, she'd be Mr. Right. NotDragIvan seems slightly amused. Kit's convinced that there are better people out there for NotDragIvan who can give her what she's looking for. NotDragIvan asks if Kit knows what she's looking for herself. Kit says she doesn't, not on a big picture scale, anyway. "Then how do you know I can't give it to you?" asks NotDragIvan. Kit looks like she honestly doesn't know. Ladies and gentlemen, there is a reason Pam Grier is what we call a "famous actress." Damn.

Jenny's Sixth Grade Make-Out Shack. Gene and Jenny are outside hugging goodbye. They share a chaste kiss, then Gene scampers off before he's late for Physical Science. Jenny floats back inside to work on her cursive writing homework. Tim stomps out of the house and bursts into the shack demanding to know who Gene is. We can hear something that sounds like a Vespa drive away, which is the perfect mode of transportation for Gene. Jenny doesn't think this is any of Tim's business. Neither do I. Just because she's seeing a guy and not a girl doesn't make it your business, Tim. He doesn't agree, yelling that it's his house and it's his business if she's fucking some guy in his house. Oh, the fragile male ego. Tim needs a NeoPet. Or a LiveJournal! We could all friend him and keep him occupied with comments and stuff about how he's so smart and pretty. Jenny reemphasizes that it's not his business and that they're getting a divorce. Tim knocks a bunch of stuff off Jenny's desk screaming that they were getting the divorce because she fell in love with another woman. Jenny says that the relationship he's talking about ended and now she's dating other people, and that it shouldn't matter if she's dating men or women. Tim says it matters because they were engaged and that she swore he was the only man she wanted. A) I don't remember that conversation and 2) GET OVER IT, TIM. Jenny insists that she believed it when she said it. Tim tells her that she's turned everything about their relationship into an "enormous fucking lie." He doesn't want her in his life anymore because, "it doesn't feel good." Jenny's voice drops to a whisper as she asks him if he wants her to move out. He calmly says that it would have to be better than the way things are. And fucking kudos to both Kirshner and Mabius in this scene.

The CAC. BossyBiceps is bitching to BitchboyJames about how all the exhibits are out of order until she passes by CargoPants, managing to grab an eyeful of her ass before handing all the artist info plaques to BitchboyJames. She tells him to figure it all out and says she'll be in her office for forty-five minutes.

BossyBiceps steps into her office, leaving the door halfway open. After a moment, CargoPants steps inside, also leaving the door open. BossyBiceps looks at her, then shuts and locks the door. She leans her head against the doorframe, facing the wall. CargoPants moves up behind her and starts touching her. In less then three seconds, BossyBiceps is turned around and they're fucking up against the office door. This being the crazy Southern California art center that it is, the walls and doors are just a tad transparent, in an opaque kind of way. But if something's slamming up against them, you can see it. So, I think these two are pretty stupid to be doing what they're doing where they're doing it.

The OGStTB. Hold on to your hats, Jenny's writing again. She's playing with variations of her name, saying she's not sure who she is. She says there's a bunch of versions of her floating around doing stuff for which she may or may not be responsible. So, basically, she has multiple personality disorder. She rattles off a list of her aliases: Jennifer, Jen, JD, JDS, a/k/a Sarah Shuster. Gene knocks on the door and peeks in. He has a kinda Clark Gabley look going for him. Without the little mustache. Jenny asks if it's already time to go. He says that Provocations starts at 7:30, but he can wait if she's still cataloging all her personalities.

BossyBiceps is in the shower. She stares at the hands, then slumps down because feels dirty. Knowing that Jennifer Beals is such the Buffy fan, I wonder if she pulls any of this performance from Willow's "I'm so dirty because I'm addicted to crazy magicks!" shower scene. Tenacious T asks if she's seen her dress then sees her crouched on the shower floor. She turns off the water and wraps a towel around BossyBiceps, saying they need to be at the gallery in forty minutes. She points out how exhausted BossyBiceps is and tells her that once she gets through Provocations, she can just come home and "fall apart." There's something in Tenacious T's tone, which I assume is an acting choice by Laurel Holloman, that really sounds like she's saying all of these things out of necessity. She means what she says and she loves her, but you can tell she's still upset about the recent clash they had. BossyBiceps chooses this moment to suggest that they start trying to have a baby again. Tenacious T says they can try again in a couple of months, but she needs some time. BossyBiceps tries to kiss her, but Tenacious T maneuvers away from it and kisses her forehead, saying that BossyBiceps needs to get dressed.

Kit's place. Ivan's there to pick her up. Yes, Ivan. Not NotDragIvan.

The event we've ALL been waiting for. No, not the one where Starfucker is attacked my Zombie!Wank Master P because Dana bought a mask that raises the dead. I'm talking about Provocations. There's some music with a funky beat. Reporters ask BossyBiceps all kinds of questions as she walks by with Tenacious T on her arm. And BossyBiceps is wearing, like, massive 80's eye shadow. One of the reporters asks what Provocations is all about. Dude, isn't there a pamphlet at the door or something? BossyBiceps robotically replies, "Provocations is the edge of our present culture, where we stand and face ourselves before we jump - into an unknown future." CargoPants is standing around in a fancy suit.

There's a display that looks like an alien frozen in a block of ice. Controversial! Or maybe that's "Provocational!"

Gene and Jenny look at an enlarged photograph of a woman's back that has a childlike drawing of a couple and a house and other American Dreamy stuff scratched into her back. Gene teasingly asks Jenny is she has "one of those." She says she does and asks if he'd like to see it. They try to banter, but really, this isn't Star's Hollow. They run into Tim and Trish. Tim cordially introduces himself then asks if Jenny's told him "she's a dyke." He then runs away like the chicken shit he just proved himself to be. Gene just looks and Jenny and says, "Well, you know, you told me that you were in love with that woman and that now you're sleeping with another woman, but... you didn't tell me you were a dyke." Ha! Okay, I like Gene. Jenny laughs.

Hey, it's my favorite person! I mean that. It's Dana. And hey, it's my favorite person! That was sarcasm. Starfucker's attached to Dana's arm. And they look THE SAME. More so than before. TLLH channels me and points it out. Dana and Starfucker laugh and say they they're totally not dressed alike because Starfucker's in a skirt and Dana's wearing stripes. Starfucker then drags Dana away to meet Melissa Rivers. My cousin and I do a bitchin' impersonation of the Joan and Melissa SNL sketches. "Oh my god, I hate her! I want to light her on fire and watch her burn until she's dead!" "Mom, I wanna be in a movie." As they scamper away, TLLH looks to Tenacious T and Smoothie hoping for some support in her "I hate Starfucker" campaign. Smoothie doesn't think she's that bad and tells TLLH to "drop it" until she has evidence. TLLH says she thinks Starfucker killed Wank Master P because she didn't like the competition. Preach it! Smoothie snarks back saying, "It's because Mr. Piddles was gonna inherit Dana's fortune and [Starfucker] murdered him so she could be the next in line, right? Right? Drop it." She walks off, leaving TLLH and Tenacious T to mingle by themselves. TLLH says that Smoothie's "fucking cranky." No, she was fucking... oh, nevermind.

Smoothie's out on the smoking patio (This is California, no smoking inside ANYWHERE!) and she spots Marti chatting with some upscale extras. She's about to walk over to her, but HusbandNoxon appears out of nowhere and cuts her off. He threatens that if she ever comes near his wife or daughter again, she won't be able to walk down any street in LA without fearing for her life. I really doubt he has that much clout, but Smoothie looks pretty damn scared.

Uh oh. Tenacious T's wandering around by herself. Suspense! She says hello to CargoPants, complimenting her on the work she's done with the exhibit. CargoPants thanks her and then introduces her to her friend Mikela, then says Tenacious T looks beautiful. "Doesn't she?" says BossyBiceps as she creepily crosses in behind her. Is everyone a vampire this week? There's a lot of appearances from nowhere in his episode. BossyBiceps introduces herself to Mikela. BossyBiceps and CargoPants verbally pat each other's backs over the whole event and then BossyBiceps smoothly maneuvers her wife-type away from her daytime girlfriend-type.

We see Marti wander away from her husband.

Gene is talking to the StarfuckerDana beast (because they're now ONE entity) about the animal desire extending beyond the instinct to reproduce. Something about some sex walruses kissing each other. I'm sure this would be very interesting if it wasn't in the middle of a show where I'm constantly waiting for any two chicks to just get it on. Jenny seems interested, though. That is, until LadyRobin slinks up behind her. Jenny's ohmigods for a moment, then asks LadyRobin is this was her "Thursday night thingamajiggy." LadyRobin nods then says that Gene is cute. Jenny introduces them and giggles like the sixth-grader she is. LadyRobin introduces her date, which just happens to be ProRina, who says hello to Jenny, then pulls LadyRobin through them to say hi to Dana. Jenny asks Gene if he wants to leave. He says he's cool with everything, but she isn't and would like to get out of there. LadyRobin picks up on the weirdness vibe and asks ProRina what's going on.

VERY COOL SHOT OF SMOOTHIE. She's standing in the center of a square cut out in a wall. As the camera pushes in on her, it looks like the interior of the square is just floating forward. Smoothie sees Marti in the next room, which is apparently the Hall of Mirrors section of Provocations. As she steps inside, Marti assures her that HusbandNoxon was serious when he said he'd kill Smoothie. Smoothie says that she's been told her entire life that she'd be a psychopath if she didn't let herself feel anything. Now she wants to know what the big deal is, "because [she] finally let [herself] and now [she] feels like [her] heart's been completely ripped out." Ah, yes. The wonderful world of love. Marti apologizes. Smoothie continues on about how she clung to the idea that they could be together. Marti says it was a delusion. Smoothie says she must be delusional because she was sure Marti felt the same way. Marti replies, "What if I did? What difference would it make? What if, in the time we spent together, I felt more alive than I have in the last 20 years of my life? What if that were true? Do you think that I would leave my husband? My child, my... houses in Bel Air and East Hampton, my trips to Paris? My black tie galas? To run to some... rank little love nest, with a 25-year-old... assistant hairdresser... who barely has her foot in the door? In this fucking ugly world, that kind of love does not exist." DAMN. And, since this is my "suck up to the actors" recap, Rosanna Arquette nails this speech. Smoothie, on the other hand, looks like she's about to be nailed to a cross. I'm sure Jesus knows where it is. He's in the next exhibit over.

Kit and Ivan run into Tenacious T. Kit says she wants to tell BossyBiceps that she's proud of her, but she's busy chatting it up with the bigwigs. They leave and Tenacious T looks around for, presumably for BossyBiceps. SUSPENSE! Uh oh. She SEES THEM through this indoor windowy thing. CargoPants leans against a pillar while BossyBiceps stands closer to her, playing with CargoPants bling-bling, or whatever big ass thing she's wearing around her neck. Tenacious T tries to get a better look, as if she's not really sure she's seeing what she's seeing. They look like they're very close to kissing, but BossyBiceps turns, letting CargoPants' hand drop from hers as she walks away. Tenacious T just stands there, not really making any discernable expression.

Kit and Ivan walk into the parking garage while Kit raves about how much fun she had without being liquored up. She wants to reassure Ivan that she appreciates all she's done for her in the last week. Ivan asks her to wait where she is, then runs to a nearby classic Thunderbird, turning on Leonard Cohen's "I'm Your Man" grabs a fedora from inside the car and starts lip-syncing to the song. They dance. It's all very sweet and playful and... seductive?

Jenny's place. She and Gene step inside to find LadyRobin holding a flower, saying that Tim let her in. How nice. What a bastard. Huh. I really don't know how to react to that. LadyRobin starts in on an apology, saying she had no idea that Jenny and ProRina had a history and that she had planned to stop seeing her after tonight. She asks if Jenny wants her to leave, but in true form, Jenny doesn't know. LadyRobin tells her to check her answering machine before she makes any decisions. A message came in while she was waiting for them to come back. Jenny turns on the machine. It's ProRina apologizing for the LadyRobin fiasco and confessing her love for Jenny. She'd like another chance. "Oh fuck!" is Jenny's reply. Hot damn, I think that's the first time she's said what I'm thinking. Gene offers to leave, but LadyRobin insists that she should. Jenny wants them both to stay.

The PoorTards'. BossyBiceps walks into the bedroom and pulls of her suit coat. She reaches for the closet door and I suddenly think it would be hilarious if Tenacious T came bursting out of it like she'd been hiding inside waiting to attack her. Hey, I have to be slightly absurdist because this scene... hurts. Not in a boring way. In a "How the FUCK do I 'cap THAT kind of emotion?!" way. Anyway, BossyBiceps hangs up her coat. Incidentally, she wasn't wearing a shirt under it, and her bra is really cool. She catches Tenacious T in the mirror. She's sitting across the room on the sofa, stone faced. She stands and tells BossyBiceps that she knows. BossyBiceps makes a move to hug her but Tenacious T shoves her away. BB apologizes. TT slaps her. I say, "Good on you, TT!" BB tries to hug her again, but TT just starts slapping her away screaming, "Fuck you!" And then... they start to have REALLY angry, aggressive sex. It appears to start out as non- consensual as far as TT's concerned, but then that notion disappears with all the mutual clawing and biting and screaming and crying and eventual orgasming that occurs. And, also, I'd like to say "What the fuck just happened?"

Joseph Arthur's "In the Sun" begins to play, which has since become one of my favorite songs. It plays over the next couple of scenes.

The OGStTB. LadyRobin, Gene, and Jenny play Monopoly. I think they're having a board game lock-in.

TLLH knocks on Dana's door. Dana steps out onto the stoop. TLLH says she needs to talk. Dana wants to know if she's okay because it's four in the morning. TLLH says that Dana can't marry Starfucker. On cue, Starfucker calls from inside the house, asking if Dana needs her. Dana pops her head in and says that she's fine, then shuts the door. She asks TLLH what she's talking about. "Because," whispers TLLH. Dana shrugs, "Because why?" TLLH looks down, then looks up and Dana AND KISSES HER. My heart screams with joy. It's a moderately chased brief kiss. Dana looks at TLLH, her face softens, then sets again like maybe she's angry. Then she kisses TLLH. I can't help but grin like a maniac. This kiss is longer and has all that whimpery breathing, hands in your hair, lip smacky good stuff. TLHH breaks the kiss, saying she should go and leaves my poor Dana standing befuddled in her PJ's in the doorway.

Back at Jenny's. Gene's asleep on the couch. LadyRobin's asleep on the windowsill bed. Jenny's awake watching them both sleep.

Smoothie's sitting in her truck outside her former hair salon.

TLLH's walking into her apartment, muttering to herself about what she's just done. She finds Tenacious T sitting on her couch. Tenacious T says she just let herself in and wants to know if she can stay there for a little while. TLLH assures her that she can and wants to know what happened. Tenacious T walks over to the Master Chart on the wall and draws a line out from Bette and starts writing CargoPants' name. She manages to get two letters of her name written before she starts sobbing. TLLH grabs the pen out of her hands and just holds her while she cries.

Here endeth the first season. Well done, actors. On all fronts. And yeah, I guess those writer types are okay, too. :)

I can't wait till season two. And if you do read these things, TELL ME. Or else I'm going to start filling space with Hanson lyrics instead of fresh snark. But really, thanks for coming this far with me.