Stendhal, schmendal

New York City, 1986.  So, uh, that would be the year I turned eight.  And now you all know how old I am.  
A female photographer is shooting a nude female model.  With a camera.  She sets the timer and picks up a 
light.  It shines on some black and white photos, and then on the model herself.  I think the photos are 
actually the finished product of this shoot, so that's some kind of fancy editing.  Dear Film School, you 
learned me good.  There's a reason I'm a writer, folks.  PhotoGal starts kissing the model... all over.

Cue Nintendo music.

The Lesbian Hot Bed of 90's Indie Film Love.  The Lovely Leisha Hailey is in bed with 
CrabbytheSelfishWonderMonkey (beautifully executed by the fabulous Guinevere Turner... but I'm sure you 
knew that).  Crabby wakes up to a horn honking.  She curses TLLH for not setting the alarm.  TLLH says 
she did and Crabby just snoozed it.  Now Crabby's gonna be late for her "fucking dumb ass job."  I'll bet 
they really love her there.  TLLH asks if they're gonna meet up later.  Crabby has a screening, but she'll 
give TLLH a call and kisses her goodbye.

Tim and Jenny's Den of Heterosexuality.  Tim and Jenny are in bed, his arm draped over her.  He's sound 
asleep, but she looks just like Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally after Harry and Sally have sex and he's 
waiting until it's okay to get up.  Sorry if I spoiled that movie for you, but you've had fifteen years to see 
it.  Jenny quietly sneaks out of bed, kisses Tim's shoulder, then leaves the room.

The Planet.  Jenny's there to see ProRina.  ProRina will be right with her as soon as she's done taking care 
of her customers, which seems to annoy Jenny.  The nerve of her, wanting to run her business when I just 
come in unannounced with a pissy attitude!

Whoa, hello.  We're looking at some art.  It features naked men in bondage.  BossyBette is trying to boss 
some people into picking her idea for the latest art show.  She says that "Provocations" will be perfect for 
the CAC's Spring exhibition.  Heh.  Exhibition.  Someone counters her brilliant idea with a reminder that she 
wants to show Provocations when they normally show the Impressionists, and everyone loves The 
Impressionists.  I know I do.  Actually, I prefer Pop Art.  In fact, last time I was at the Norton Simon, I was 
totally pissed that I missed the Liechtenstein exhibit by less than a week.  But that's neither here nor there.  
BossyBette tells them that they hired her to create a new profile for the CAC.  She claims that Provocations 
will put them on the map.  HeadArtCenterMan wants to know how BB's so sure she can even get 
Provocations.  She's set up a meeting with the curator of the Peggy Peabody collection.  Oh, you set up a 
meeting.  Then it's all good.  HACMan says he can tell she's put a lot of effort into her presentation, but it's 
too risky.  Who wants to see naked bondage guys when they can see The Impressionists?  And he's already 
booked The Impressionists.  So, he let her give a whole presentation just so he could tell her no?  Dude, 
that's mean.  Even if it is BossyBette.  Now she's SadBette.  But I'm sure she'll be bossy again in no time.

The Planet.  ProRina still hasn't spoken to Jenny.  I think she totally knows what up and she's making her 
wait on purpose.  Pro, baby.  She finally asks Jenny if she'd like to go into her office, but Jenny says it will 
just take a minute.  Except that TLLH and Smoothie walk in at that moment.  Now Jenny wants to go into 
the office.  She says hi to Smoothie but not to TLLH.  Hmm.  Interesting.  TLLH and Smoothie grab a table 
while the other two duck into the office.  TLLH knows something's up and she knows Smoothie knows but 
Smoothie ain't talkin'.  Smoothie's hot AND she can keep a secret?  Damn.

ProRina's Office.  Jenny tells ProRina, "I can't be around you anymore.  It's confusing to me and it makes me 
feel insane."  There's something very funny to me about Mia Kirshner's delivery of that line.  She continues 
that Tim has been wonderful to her and it's the first time in her life where she's felt safe.  ProRina asks if 
she wants to be safe.  Jenny doesn't answer that, and instead says she's going to marry Tim because she 
can't and doesn't want to imagine life without him.  ProRina asks if that's what she wants.  Jenny says yes.  
And during this entire scene, you can hear Jenny's leather jacket squeaking every time she moves.  ProRina 
wishes her well and leaves her alone in the office.

TLLH's singing Crabby's praises.  Literally.  Smoothie doesn't dig on that, saying that Crabby treats TLLH like 
shit.  TLLH insists that she's not like that anymore.  Smoothie thinks she's still "cold in the streets."  TLLH 
says, "Cold in the streets, hot in the sheets."  TLLH says Crabby's happier now because she's working on 
her lesbian cop screenplay.  Smoothie spills that she saw Crabby all over Natalie Merchant the other night.  
She actually says Nadia Mersomethingelse, but I like the Natalie Merchant visual better.  That's probably 
because my mental visual of Natalie Merchant is always Janeane Garofalo.  TLLH wants the details, but 
Smoothie doesn't want to get gory this time around.

Tennis Club Kitchen.  CrispyLara's in the kitchen choppin' shit up.  Dana's looking all cute and Sporty Spice.  
She greets CrispyLara, causing her to cut her finger.  Dana freaks out and apologizes saying, "Jesus, you're 
disfigured!"  Hee.  CrispyLara insists she is not disfigured and that she'll be fine and then proceeds to list all 
of the horrific finger accidents she's had.  Runaway shish kebabs, hostile live lobsters, it's probably better 
that I never went to culinary school like I wanted to.  Dana wishes she could do something.  CrispyLara 
tells her to "kiss it and make it better."  Dana gets all befuddled then starts to ask CrispyLara out, but 
CrispyLara jumps in and agrees before she's finished. Dana wants to take her to some fancy schmancy 
place, but CripsyLara says that they're not "starting out that way."  They settle on some little place in 
Korea Town and Dana will pick her up Thursday at eight.  CrispyLara thanks Dana for asking her out and 
Dana gives a studly, "Oh yeah, no problem."  What's that smell?  Oh, it's the Cute burning a hole in my flat 
screen monitor.  Dana backs out of the kitchen and runs to someone.  Ha!

BossyBette's trying to verify her meeting with the Gina Ferrar, the Peggy Peabody curator.  Tina comes 
home bearing food, but BB has to go out for her meeting.  She tells Tina that the CAC didn't go for 
Provocations and booked The Impressionists, but she unbooked the Impressionists and now has to 
convince Gina Ferrar to let them have the other show.  The catch?  Gina Ferrar hates BossyBette.  Tina 
asks why.  Apparently, BB and Gina had a run-in over a female sculptor that BB slept with.  A ha.  That's 
lesbi-olotics, ladies and gents.

The Planet.  Tim's leaving Jenny a message about his bad day.  The swim team ate some bad sushi the 
night before and Trish is on academic probation.  ProRina challenges him to a game of pool.  He says he's 
obviously no match for her.  Mmm hmm.  She says he'll never know unless he tries.  Man, oh, man.

They're playing that bitchin' Nintendo track in Milk.  TLLH is meeting up with Crabby, who has brought along 
Natalie Merchant.  Some girl in Crabby's posse shows them a flyer with Smoothie's face on it.  It says, 
"[Smoothie], Heartbreaker."  Crabby comments that Smoothie's finally tangled with the "wrong crazy bitch."  
There's a whole stack of the flyers by the door.  TLLH thought that she and Crabby were gonna be along.  
Crabby says they can be alone when they're dead.

The Planet.  Tim's phone is ringing, but he's about to take a shot.  At the pool table, not at the bar.  He 
asks ProRina to answer it.  It's Jenny, who moronically mistakes ProRina's voice for Tim's.  Come on.  
ProRina identifies herself and tells her that Tim's playing pool and asked her to get the phone.  She passes 
the phone to Tim, but Jenny's already hung up.

Later.  Kit's spinnin' at the tables and drinking a beer which doesn't go unnoticed by Tina.  Jenny's arrived 
and she sees Tim and ProRina by the pool table, standing really close to each other.  She faints.  She 
wakes up to everyone asks her if she can hear them.  Tim helps her up. BB comes in to see the aftermath 
and asks if Jenny was drinking.  Tina says she wasn't but Kit has been.  BB want to know why Tina didn't 
stop her.  Tina says it wasn't her place.  BB doesn't understand people who don't go bossing other people 
around in their own adult lives.  Anyway, BB doesn't need anymore bad news, since she missed her meeting 
due to car accident on La Cienega.

House-O-Hetero.  Tim's taking off Jenny's shoes, telling her she should see a doctor.  She says it was just 
low blood sugar.  And the fact that he "fucked everything up because [he] decided to go to The Planet 
while she was making [him] dinner."  Meow.  She accuses him of flirting with ProRina.  He says they were 
just playing pool.  And if you've ever had someone cheat on you, you've probably heard this shit before.  
It's called the Guilty Turnaround.  He tells her that they were making out in the middle of The Planet while 
everyone watched.  Me like Tim.  He use sarcasm.

The Planet. BossyBette bosses her receptionist into forwarding her call to her cell. TLLH has another
poster of Smoothie. The actual Smoothie is 8 Mile incognito with her hoodie pulled up over her head. Dana
says there's a billboard of Smoothie on Sunset Blvd. She's kidding. Smoothie is not amused. TLLH asks
Dana what she's wearing on her date with CrispyLara. Dana was thinking about her blue sundress. No one
likes that idea. TLLH's a little bitchy, and Smoothie tells her not to lash out just because Crabby's mackin'
on Natalie Merchant. Dana hates Natalie Merchant because she's been introduced to her twenty-four times
and she never remembers Dana's name. BB seems to recall that Natalie Merchant tried to "get up on" Tina
once. Tina says Natalie Merchant was drunk. They tell TLLH that she needs to end it with Crabby. TLLH
gives the exact speech I gave my friends about how she doesn't treat her like shit, even though she does.
They convince TLLH that she deserves better, calling Crabby "an emotional cripple" with a narcissistic
personality disorder. Tina tells TLLH to just say, "[Crabby], I really enjoy the time we spent together, but
it obvious to me that we are at different places in our lives and that we want different things out of a
relationship and I respect myself too much to let you continue to treat me this way." Wait, this from the
woman who's been with BossyBette for seven years? BB adds her own flavor to Tina's speech with, "It's
clear to me now that you are an emotional cripple without any capacity to understand true love." Tina
continues, "And I'm no longer able to waste my valuable time on you." "So, step off bitch," tags BB. And
then her phone rings. It's Gina Ferrar. BB's using the hands free device, but she's holding the phone in
view so that people know she's on the phone and not talking to herself. Tina can tell it's not good news.
Gina's booked Provocations. That bitch! BB's screwed unless she can go over Gina's head and talk to crazy
Peggy Peabody, who is conveniently in town. Actually, she's not "in town," she's in Santa Barbara, which is
a good two hours away from Los Angeles. But again, details, schmetails. TLLH knows all this because she
was eavesdropping at work, where they want her to do a story on "the forty-five minute orgasm." I know
about that. It's called any episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" guest starring Eliza Dushku. BB's heading
for Santa Barbara. She calls her assistant James, BitchBoy with really pointy sideburns, and asks for directions to
Peggy Peabody's hotel. BitchBoy tells her that HACMan's pissed about her passing on The Impressionists
and in a rage that she "left the office in a time of crisis." She tells BitchBoy to tell HACMan to bite her and
that "all great art is a response to small minded corporate fascists trying ti impose their ignorance on the
sheep-like masses." I wonder what kind of art Tina puts out. Heh. Puts out. Sigh. Where's Beavis when
you need him? BB kisses Tina goodbye and hops in the car without even saying anything. Tina wishes her
luck. BB doesn't even wave. Bitch.

ObsessoGirl's passing out her Smoothie flyers. She hands one to a mother and daughter and says, "Ma'am,
how you doing? Keep an eye on your daughter, you never know." Comic gems, I tell you. ObsessoGirl
turns around to find Smoothie standing behind her. ObsessoGirl flashes the flyers, telling Smoothie she
learned Photo Shop. She obviously didn't learn it right, because if she did, she'd be at home right now
cranking femslash fandom photo manips. Smoothie pulls ObsessoGirl aside and tries to explain that they
must have a misunderstanding. Sure, they had a great time together but since they didn't get married or,
you know, go out a second time, there wasn't any reason why Smoothie couldn't go out with another girl.
Smoothie says she likes ObsessoGirl, but she also likes a lot of people. But ObsessoGirl really like fucking
her. And so did Smoothie. You know, the other way around. Smoothie doesn't do relationships.
ObsessoGirl starts to cry, which seems to be Smoothie's kryptonite, because she caves enough to hug her.
ObsessoGirl says she got carried away with the posters and the banners. Smoothie's all, "Banners?" "Just
one. But they wouldn't let me hang it at Girlbar." Girlbar! A couple weeks ago, I went to their casino night
and won $3900 in FAKE money playing blackjack. I rule. ObsessoGirl says she doesn't want a relationship,
she just wants to be with her all the time. Oh crap. Smoothie can't take it. ObsessoGirl tries to take it
back, saying she just doesn't understand why everyone always abandons her. Cue my flashback to The
Gate Crasher. She had the same exact issue. ObsessoGirl's father left when she was five, her mom died,
and her sister... moved to West Covina. Smoothie says she's not going anywhere. ObsessoGirl kisses her.
Which is apparently Smoothie's red kryptonite, because now she's all caught up in the girl/girl and copping a
feel.

BossyBette's on the freeway.  Aaaaand... scene!

Dana's on her way to pick up CrispyLara.  She's on the phone with TLLH, telling her that she's wearing 
pants.  She buzzes for CrispyLara at the door and tells TLLH, "No, I am not going to have sex with her 
tonight, it's our first date!"  Oh, Sweet Innocent Dana, how you are my inner self.  CrispyLara appears in 
the doorway, wearing a dress.  She sees Dana and feels like a geek for overdressing.  Dana tells her that 
her friends made her wear pants because they thought CrispyLara would think she was a geek for wearing 
a dress.  CrispyLara says that means she is a geek.  But Dana's willing to bear the geeky cross for letting 
her friends tell her what to wear.  CripsyLara offers to change, but Dana thinks she looks beautiful.  Then 
she backtracks, as she always does whenever she says something she might actually mean, fumbling her 
words until CripsyLara kisses her to shut her up.  I now have Cute cauterized into my retinas.

The Los Alamedros. Which is really saying The The Alamedros. It's kind of like when my grandma says,
"Kay-sa-DILL-A." As if it's about to step on buildings in Tokyo. BossyBette is there to see Peggy Peabody.
The desk clerk asks for the codeword. BB tries "Shazam." It's probably "please" but BB doesn't know that
one. The clerk asks if she'd like to leave a note, but Peggy Peabody has arrived, complete with 101
Dalmatians. Or three small, non-dalmatian dogs. You pick. BB chases her down and joins her in the
elevator. Peggy rambles on about how she's sorry she's late but the traffic was crazy. They reach the
penthouse. BB's now holding one of the dogs and Peggy flutters around the room talking about how she let
Jose off for the evening. She assumes BB is there about the Kandinsky. Ooo, I like Kandinsky. I had a
poster of a Kandinsky in my room when I was in high school. My dad didn't get it. He didn't seem to mind
the team photo of the girl's soccer team that I'd had blown up to poster size at Kinko's. But he didn't get
the Kandinsky. Peggy calls for Jose. BB says she thinks Jose is probably out. Peggy offers BB a drink
called Road Kill and then asks to see the Kandinsky. Peggy checks her messages to hear that the woman
who is supposed to be there about the Kandinsky can't make it. The gig's up, BB. She explains that she's
there from the CAC. Peggy calls the CAC, "obscure" and calls BB "The Lesbian" and tells her that she was a
lesbian in 1974 and only 1974. It was all she needed. BB says that's what they call a "hasbian." HA! And
after a beat, Peggy laughs right along with me and now we're all best friends.

TLLH's apartment.  Someone's at the door.  It's Crabby.  With flowers.  She says TLLH skipped out on her 
the other night.  "Yeah, well, twelve's a crowd," says TLLH.  But it's a good sized crowd.  Just ask Jesus.  
Crabby yammers on about missing Clarissa's birthday and I'm sure she'd be ready to explain it all but TLLH 
cuts her off saying she knows about Natalie Merchant.  Crabby says there's nothing to know, except that 
TLLH has half of Hollywood's eyewitness account.  Crabby attempts a cover-up but TLLH has hand gestures 
to represent Crabby and her lies.  Crabby says she won't see Natalie Merchant anymore and tries to sweet 
talk TLLH with talk of sweet talks, but TLLH jumps in with a paraphrase of the speech Tina and BossyBette 
gave her at The Planet and even remembers the "step off bitch" finale.  Crabby asks if she got "emotional 
cripple" from Dr. Phil.  TLLH tells her to leave.  I tell people to leave when then mention Dr. Phil, too.  
Crabby leaves, telling TLLH that it's a bad move on her part because "everyone knows [she's] desperate."  
Rowr.

The OGStTB.  Tina's dropping by to see Jenny how she's faring after the collapse at The Planet.  And Jenny 
is wearing these HUGE Cawffee Tawk glasses take up two thirds of her face.  Tina doesn't want to interrupt 
her if she's working, but Jenny says she really hasn't been able to focus.  That's probably because your 
prescription is not the same as your grandmother's, Jenny.  Tina offers her a shoulder to lean on if she ever 
needs to talk about anything, i.e. ProRina.  But Jenny claims she doesn't know what she's talking about.  
She asks if ProRina said anything to her and that if she's heard anything from anyone at all, it's just a 
rumor.  Tina says that the lesbian community is a hotbed.  Yeah, Jenny knows that.  Oh, a hotbed of rumor 
and innuendo.  Tina says that if ProRina did confide in anyone it was probably just to say she was attracted 
to Jenny.  Well, damn, Jenny can't believe that.  Confide in someone?  Outrageous!  I SO dated this girl.  
Jenny's done with this conversation and she storms into the house.

Peggy and BB are talking photography.  And drunk on Road Kill.  Blah, blah, blah, photography is neat, this 
photographer was a brilliant strung out crazy bitch, yadda, yadda, yadda.  Peggy shows BB the photograph 
from the beginning of the episode.  BB's so moved that she begins to cry.  Or maybe it's just the Road Kill 
kicking in.

ObsessoGirl's Room.  Smoothie's perched in the window in her underwear.  ObsessoGirl's on the bed saying 
she's "so happy."  Ooo, they had The Sex!  Dammit, Smoothie, now she'll never leave you alone.  Smoothie 
starts getting dressed and ObsessoGirl asks where she's going.  Smoothie says they talked about "this."  
And leaves, telling ObsessoGirl to "be good."

Jenny leaves her house.

More art talk.  Peggy's jealous of BB's ability to experience the Stendhal syndrome, which is not as dirty as 
it might sound.  Peggy's art and sensuality jabber is laid over the visual of Jenny walking down the street.  
And now Peggy's tired.  But BB still needs to know if she'll let her show Provocations.  Peggy doesn't think it 
would be right since she already hired Gina Ferrar for that job.

The Planet.  ProRina's office.  Jenny leans in the doorway, asking why ProRina would "do that" and try to 
hurt her by telling someone.  ProRina says that some people guessed from Jenny's behavior.  Jenny says 
she can't hurt Tim and she doesn't know what to do.  "Every time I look at you, I feel so completely 
dismantled," she says as she takes off her shirt and throws it on the floor, giving ProRina a "so there" nod 
and a slight smile.  ProRina laughs then stands up and takes Jenny into her arms.  Kissing!  Groping!  
Nakedness!  ProRina drops out of frame and we move up above Jenny as she throws her head back.

Maybe that Stendhal syndrome is dirty after all.