| Okay. I walked to the corner and
got myself a bottle of Stoli Vanil. Because I have to be
drunk to do these recaps. Really, I don't. I just have to
be drunk to tolerate Jenny without vomiting out of my
eyes. Actually, I'm liking her a lot more at this point.
Fine, then the Stoli is to celebrate the fact that I'm
recapping these final episodes. Yes, I'm patting myself
on the back for not procrastinating. Let's do this thing.
Uh oh. I think I ended up with a copy of Boogie Nights instead of the next episode. Oh, wait. This is just the groovy disco flashback sequence. Los Angeles, California - 1979. I was a year old. 1979!Jack Black is doing lines off of a table while some other dude smokes a joint and points out two topless women in the pool. Check it out, man, they're gonna touch each other! Ooo, now there's three. They giggle like they're in a Swedish porno. Or what I imagine a giggly Swedish porno to be like. Break out your wide lapels and patent leather shoes, it's the L Word theme, retrofied for 1979! Biceps
and Tina are walking. Somewhere. I can't tell where.
Biceps says she's thinking about hiring CargoPants to do
some work on the Provocations job. Tina thinks that a
swell idea. Oh, they're outside the Planet. And now
they're inside the Planet where Smoothie's pouring cups
of coffee. The Lovely Leisha Hailey's sitting at a table
while ProRina busts her ass behind the counter. Or maybe
she's just cutting cinnamon rolls. Dana's giving Kit a
massive list of instructions regarding Mister Piddles,
who forlornly meows from inside his cat carrier. Smoothie
and Biceps takes turns expositing that they're all going
on a trip. Except Biceps, who's terribly busy with her
controversial art exhibit. Wow, she's hardcore, going
back to work right after battling this season's big bad.
Even Buffy takes a break every so often. Oh and Jenny's
going, too. But ProRina isn't. Yet she still makes a
whiny fuss over it. Huh. Oh look, there's Mom of TLLH! ROAD TRIP CAR! Jenny asks if they're going to a golf tournament. TLLH says that it is, and it's also known as "Dinah Shore Weekend." Also known as Lesbian Sexapalooza. We learn that Dinah Shore died in 1994, was not gay, and hated that her golf tournament is now Spring Break for lesbians. TLLH spews out a few more facts, telling them that she's planning on writing an article about the weekend. Also, Dana's accepting an award from the Human Rights Campaign. Later. Everyone's singing "Closer to Fine." But they don't know all the words. It's kinda funny. MoT tells them that she had to hear that song a god-awful amount of times when TLLH came out. This begins the "Coming out Story" segment of today's episode. TLLH (MoT's version) - She and Amy Flaherty got totally drunk in high school and scampered off under the bleachers to make out only to have Amy vomit all over her before they kissed. Whee. TLLH (the real story) - She was in this band called The Murmurs. wait, fuck. that was the REAL Leisha Hailey. right. Um, so TLLH was in this band in college with her boyfriend and one day their bass played just doesn't show up so they have to audition for a new one. College!TLLH is all spastic and insane, btw. This chick shows up, rocks the house, and catches TLLH's eye. TLLH says they had "amaaazing chemistry" on stage. Translation? They made out on stage during shows. And they only lasted about two months. Then BassChick whored herself through all the GLBT organizations on campus and broke her heart. DANA: So that's why you're a dirty bisexual, huh? Bwaha! [This is the part where I took a break to do something and ended up downloading the trailer for the new season and then had to spend five minutes going "OMFGWTF!!!123!!" before I could recap again. But I'm over it.] TLLH bites back, telling Dana to tell her story. Dana says she can't. MoT muses that it must be "fresh wounds" but TLLH informs her that it was twelve years ago. DANA -
She was at tennis camp. The other girl is famous so, she
shall be referred to as Ralph. Dana was 16, Ralph was 17.
Apparently Ralph had beautiful eyes, but we can't see
them in the flashback because her face is blurred out
like a crime scene video. And I giggle. Young!Dana and
Ralph kiss, then Young!Dana confesses her love for Steffi
Graf, I mean, Ralph. Ralph wrote home to her best friend
about their deep love eternal and in turn, the friend
bitched them out and Ralph was yanked out of tennis camp.
Mot says, BitchboyJames pops into Biceps' office, apologetically telling her that CargoPants is there to meet with her. Biceps tells him not to be such an apologetic little bitch. She shows CargoPants the plans for the exhibit. CargoPants offers up some fresh ideas and tells her that she can get her a bid on the work by the end of the day. How nice! If I didn't know better, I'd think she was trying to impress her. On the Road Again. MoT is about to regale the car with her coming out story. Jenny turns to Tina, discreetly asking, "She's gay?" Tina responds with a silent "no." Oh, that crazy MoT. MoT - It
was the 70's and she was at a party at "the
mansion." The Haunted Mansion? Creepy. She says it
was full of swingers and orgies and drugs. Some ex of
hers was in the living room and she claims to have
enacted some moment from Tallulah Bankhead's life. In the
flashback we see the pool from the opening sequence. MoT
describes seeing the two women "giving each other a
tonsil inspection" and she says she decided to join
in. The flashback shows us a younger MoT just sitting in
the pool, watching it all happen Smoothie - She was something like eight years old, pimpin' it in the park with her Sunshine Meal when she saw Tiffany Gardner. She gave her the toy from her Sunshine Meal and with that, she gave away her heart. MoT starts in on some story about how it reminds her of a beautiful but tragic lesbian who passed out on her kitchen floor. but TLLH is trying to boot her out of the minivan. Because they're dropping her off at home BEFORE they get to Palm Springs. Praise Jossus. She gets MoT to run inside saying that he phone is ringing and it might be her agent. Then TLLH and Dana grab her luggage and practically fling it onto the porch before flying back into the minivan before she can come back outside. The van takes off and TLLH asks if she's going to hell for that, pointing out that everyone else seemed to be glad to dump MoT, too. TLLH's phone rings. Guess who? TLLH bullshits her way through the conversation saying that they didn't know how long she'd be and that Dana has to check in at a certain time. Bwaha. Lesbian
Mecca. AKA Dinah Shore Weekend. Girls, girls, girls! Gay,
gay, gay! Some chick calls out to Dana and introduces
herself as Tonya, the guest liaison. My, she's energetic.
I don't like her. She's touching my girlfriend an awful
lot. She shouts for someone to get Dana's bags and asks
if she's alone. Dana points out the gang of friends
behind her. Tonya asks if they want tickets for the
dinner, but they say they're fine. The gang stands on the balcony of their hotel room, surveying the multitude of swimsuit-clad women around the pool below. Jenny comments that she's never seen so many women in one place before. TLLH comments that they're all greased up and ready to go. Tina seems awfully eager to fling herself into the pit of rabid bikini clad GayMos considering she's practically married. Dana emerges from the bathroom wearing her SupaLesbianPantsSuit. She asks if it's too conservative. TLLH gives her a LOOK, but the others say she looks great. There's a knock at the door. Who could it be? Oh YAY, it's TonyaBot. And she comes bearing bribes. er, gifts. She hands TLLH a stack of passes to various events, then fawns all over Dana telling her she looks phenomenal (Hey, 'member that tennis show "Phenom"? Of course you don't.) then pushes her out the door with stories of how she's gonna have to beat the fans away with an electric cattle prod. The CAC:
Biceps' office. CargoPants presents Biceps with the
estimate for the Provocations exhibit. And, I'd like to
say that for about nine seconds, I totally blanked on
both "Provocations" and "exhibit".
and the word "exhibit" somehow reminds me of Sybian which is at the
forefront of my brain due to this potential project I may
be working on. But that, my dears, is ANOTHER story.
Biceps looks at the estimate and Dinah Shore 2004! Our gang is checking out the set up down by the pool while they suck down Jello shots. Mmm. Jello shots. Smoothie spots a table selling t-shirts and suggest that Tina get a "She's my bitch" t-shirt as a present for Biceps. Bwaha! Tina jokes about calling her and asking if it's okay for her to wear it. Speaking
of the bitch... I mean, the boss... I mean, Biceps. she's
indulging in her free lunch with CargoPants, gossiping
about Yolanda AKA SingleMother from the Circle of Life
group. Now, I get CargoPants saying some of the stuff she
says, but Biceps doesn't even really know the woman and
she's talking trash about her. Fortunately, her phone
buzzes before she can proceed with any further Yolanda
bashing. She excuses herself, picks up the phone and read
the caller ID, then excuses herself again for no apparent
reason. I find this FULLY amusing because she's getting
up off of a leather couch, which makes those noises that
leather couches make when you move on them. Biceps steps
into the hall to answer the phone. It's Drunk!Tina
shouting into the phone about how much fun she's having.
Biceps tries to talk, but Tina can't hear her over the
GIGANIMOUS LESBIAN PARTY happening around her. So she
tells Biceps to get Biceps goes back to her booty lunch. CargoPants asks if everything's okay because she heard that some of the work might possibly be held at customs. Oh, please. Don't pretend that you couldn't hear her on the phone because she was only, like, six feet away from you. And I doubt Biceps is in the habit of calling anyone from customs, "Baby." Biceps mumbles that it was her girlfriend. CargoPants replies with a quiet, "Oh. I didn't know you had one." "Why would you?" is Biceps' reply. Now, I'd like to think that she'd at least have a photograph of Tina somewhere in her office. It doesn't have to be anything crazy like those cloth calendars you make at the fair or a mug with her face on it, but a nice snapshot is not unreasonable. Then again, this is Biceps we're talking about. Poolside. Tina toasts her ability to be able to drink again. TLLH points out a woman across the pool, dubbing her a "100 footer" meaning that she can tell she's a lesbian from 100 feet away. Okay, not to slap TLLH's gaydaring skills across the face or anything, but it was an EASY call. Which, I understand, is the point of the "100 footer" but she seems a little to proud of the ability to point out short haired women in jog bras at the biggest lesbian event of the year. I, on the other hand, have a very highly tuned sense of visual gaydar. I will know you're gay before you do, dammit. On BtVS, I pegged Kennedy as Willow's new girlfriend ON SIGHT (and I was spoiler-free, thank you very much). Although, that may be because she's just super hot and I wanted her to be MY new girlfriend. Aaaaaanyway. Jenny jumps up and stands, like, four feet from the table, asking if she's one of these alleged "100 footers." Yes, you are. But for insanity, not gaiety. TLLH tells her that it's too hard to tell because she's "in transition" and needs a guy or girl with her to tip the scales. Jenny is disappointed. Golly, she's awfully eager for an identity to cling to, JUST LIKE MY EX-GIRLFRIEND. Ahem. Biceps
tells Car-(Excuse me while I add "CargoPants"
to my "Auto Correct" list in MSWord. Done.)
Biceps tells CargoPants (Ahh, such ease.) that she needs
to get back to work so she can get home and get a decent
amount of sleep. Oh yeah, it's night. Okay, so that
"free lunch" was "free dinner." Now I
know. Biceps says she has a conference call with NYC at
7AM. CargoPants says she's from Brooklyn. And if she
sounded like she actually was from Brooklyn, I really
would love her, because thick Brooklyn accents Dinah
Shore White Party. And TLLH feels the need to tell us
that it's "totally a White Party." Jenny
wanders off to go get another drink. She does a couple
shots at the bar, then ends up telling a room full of
women the saga of Jenny and ProRina: A Lifetime Original
Movie. Someone asks if ProRina was the first woman Jenny
has ever been with and Jenny realizes that this tragic
crapfest is, in fact, her coming out story. Huzzah!
Everyone starts chanting, "tell it, tell it"
and she starts talking about how she met ProRina. Why
didn't she start with that part? I mean, isn't she
supposed to be some kind of storyteller? She tells them
about how they met at the PoorTards' party, made out in
the bathroom, and then had all the crazy bellybutton sex.
And then she left the party realizing she'd had the best
sex of her life. Only she says it like she's a drunk
stoner. There's a woman who's been watching Jenny. It's
Anne Ramsay who played Lisa TonyaBot's
escorting Dana through part of the hotel, gushing over
how amazing she is, asking questions about her
heartbreaking story about CrispyLara. She calls her
"Lare-ah" which makes my skin crawl, like when
non-British people call Tara McClay "Tawr-ah."
A bunch of Dana!Fangirls wave and say hi to her. Dana
seems genuinely excited about them, but TonyaBot keeps
shooing them away. One of them asks her to sign her
underwear, but TonyaBot says she has a meeting and can't
stop. Someone else asks if White
Party. Hey, I think that's Guin Turner in the crowd.
Smoothie moseys through the crowd past Jenny's fun house
and where Jenny and Anne Ramsay sit, talking about Anne
Ramsay's job. She's talking about flying through the air
and trust. because she's a trapeze artist. See, lesbians
CAN do anything! Jenny makes some crack about no one
would catch her if she were a trapeze artist. Anne Ramsay
picks up on her "woe is me" attitude and wants
to know if she came to Dinah Shore to die from alcohol
poisoning. TonyaBot's room. Dana thanks her for bringing her back to her room, saying there's probably tons of people over in her own room. TonyaBot shuts the door, then slams Dana up against it telling her that she wants to make love to her. I try to use telekinesis to make TonyaBot's circuitry overload, but instead she just starts kissing a very shocked Dana, who's like, "Buh?" TonyaBot pulls back to get another look at her, calling her "magnificent," then goes back in for more kissing. The room
where Dana isn't. Smoothie, Tina, and TLLH are drinking
Heineken mini kegs and laughing at an old movie. Oh,
those wacky straight people! Jenny stumbles in, rambling
on about tequila and having to step over "women
bodies" in order to get back to the room. It's kinda
cute. Shut up. TLLH asks what happened with Trapeze!Anne.
Only she calls her "The Lady." It seems Jenny
scored herself a date with The Lady Anne. And it's
amazing that the one woman she talks to at the biggest
lesbian party this TonyaBot and Dana have progressed to the bed. Dana's phone buzzes. TonyaBot likes that it vibrates. Now, it looks like Dana pulls the phone from the crotch of her pants. Don't ask, don't tell. It's TLLH. Dana has an abbreviated conversation while TonyaBot gropes her. She quickly says goodbye and hangs up, tossing the phone aside and goes back to gettin' busy. TLLH stares at her phone and tells everyone that Dana's getting her groove on. Tina hopes it's not "that weird hospitality chick." That's because she's pulling for the snarky recapper chick. She told me. In a dream. When we were manatees. TLLH says that TonyaBot gives off bad vibes and that Dana's judgment sucks except for the case of CrispyLara (Sigh. R.I.P. The Cute.). Jenny wants to know why things are so confusing here in GayTown, saying that all their stories are about disappointment and unfulfilled desire. Smoothie tells Tina that she needs to tell her story and give everyone some hope. Tina starts to tell her story about how she was dating this art collector guy named Eric right around the time that TLLH and Biceps were doing their "We broke up but we're BFF" thing. TINA - Eric took her to an opening at The [Biceps] Porter Gallery. We see Past!Biceps and her uneven bob haircut. Past!Tina looks pretty much the same, just with longer hair. Tina describes Past!Biceps as "warm and gracious." Huh. What happened to her? And then, "the earring thing happened." Past!Biceps notices that Past!Tina has fallen out and it's caught in her hair. She points it out and it looks like Past!Tina puts it back in. Biceps walks CargoPants out of her office, thanking her for her time and effort. They shake hands and CargoPants leaves. Back at the ho(mo)tel, TLLH and Tina are brushing their teeth. Yay, dental hygiene. Jenny exposits that she wasn't aware that Biceps was Tina's first girlfriend. "Yeah. First, last and forever," replies Tina. Jenny asks if she isn't curious about anyone else. Tina says she is, but really, she's okay with Biceps being the only one for the rest of her life. Now, for a lot of people, I think that's total crap, but I buy it from Tina. TLLH prods Tina to finish her story. TINA (cont'd) - She gets home and realizes she left the earring at the gallery, even though she swore she put it back in her ear. The next day she swings by to pick it up and ends up getting picked up. Bwaha. Biceps is sitting in her office. No really, she's just sitting there. The door rolls open. It's CargoPants, saying she forgot something. Biceps notices her bag on the couch and hands it to CargoPants. Oh, but that's not all she forgot. CargoPants feeds her some line about not being able to sleep if she doesn't admit that she's wanted to kiss her all day. Cargo, trust me, it's no secret. She asks Biceps to tell her if she doesn't want her to. Oh, but she does. And they do. They stop after a good twenty seconds and CargoPants says that she should go. Well, I think she does. It really sounds like she says, "I should BLAWTHERGNOT, should I?" Biceps tells her she should BLAWTHERGNOT and CargoPants leaves. Biceps cries because she has no idea what a BLAWTHERGNOT is. Dinah
Shore is a harsh mistress and everyone but Smoothie is
passed out in the hotel room. She grabs her cell phone
and kindly sets a bottle of water next to a sleeping
Jenny. Smoothie dials a number and steps out into the
hall where the party's still jumpin'. I assume she's
talking to Marti Noxon. She tells her that she'll be back
tomorrow. Some random girl (who was also the fangirl who
asked Dana if she had a girlfriend) drunkenly tells
Smoothie she's hot as she stumbles by. Which means that
this scene and the fangirl TonyaBot's
Den of Seduction. DanaBoobage! I mean. uh. what? TonyaBot
says, and I quote, "I can't believe I'm about to go
down on Dana Fairbanks." LAME. And what a mood
breaker. That's like the time post-coital Spike told
Buffy, "I knew the only thing better than killing a
slayer would be..." 'Course, he didn't get to finish
that sentence. I wish someone would slay TonyaBot. Sigh.
The scene fades out as what Morning After, The. Jenny wakes up, mumbling that she slept in her clothes. TLLH wanders over to the room service cart and grabs a bottle of water, taking a big drink as Jenny sits up. TLLH hears the key in the door, slams the bottle back on the cart, shoves Jenny back down and takes a flying leap back into her own bed. FUNNIEST.THING.EVER. Well, one of. If only Jenny had been wearing her Grandmother's Coke Bottle Glasses of Doom. Did I tell you guys about the vid I made to 867-5309 that was just Jenny sitting up in those glasses, over and over and over again? I think I was drunk that night. Dana tries to creep into the room, only to have TLLH fly up from the bed and pin her down, asking her to tell them everything about the night before. The PoorTards' bedroom. The phone rings. Biceps stares at the phone a minute before answering, which ultimately annoys me because it's one of those high pitched rings that makes my ears bleed. Out on the balcony Tina's on the phone with Biceps, telling her that she sounds tired and that they should be back home later that afternoon. In the background we see Smoothie, TLLH, and Dana wresting around on the bed. Tina tells Biceps she misses her, hangs up and then runs in and jumps on the bed, growling, "DANA!" It's very cute. Tina, when you find out about Biceps and CargoPants and are terribly distraught. call me. And when you come over, pretend that you're a wannabe vampire slayer named Justine. Mrowr. You know. I have had sex recently. I don't know where all this is coming from. The
gang's packed and ready to go. They're just waiting for
Dana. Oh, there she is. With TonyaBot. And I'm glad that
Smoothie doesn't like her either. Dana's looking super
cute in a sporty sleeveless tennis hoodie shirt as she
tells the gang that (oh yay) TonyaBot's coming with them.
We jump forward to them in the car, everyone looking
either asleep or annoyed as TonyaBot blathers on with the
"get to know ya" segment of today's show. Dana
talks about Howie, who's sixteen and a pain in her ass,
but TonyaBot says he must be cute if he's from her
family. Please god, make it end. Uh oh, it's dogs vs.
cats quiz time. TonyaBot profanes that she hates cats
because they're so cold and unfeeling. We see Tina flash
the "Oh, damn" face. Dana jumps in, saying that
some cats might be like that, but others are almost
human. Like mine. Only mine are like evil humans. Who am
I kidding? That's all cats. But they're angels while they
They drop off my girlfriend and TonyaBot. TLLH slide the van's door shut and promptly says, "What the FUCK are we gonna do?" You go, TLLH! Smoothie admits that the cat hate/love thing was a bit much and Tina thinks that TonyaBot's story about meeting Anne Heche in a restaurant as a bit weird. I totally once saw Anne Heche on the LA freeway. That's all I got, sorry. TLLH says that she gave TonyaBot fifty bucks for gas, but she knows the total only came to $32.50 and she didn't get any change. That.Sucks. I hate here even more, now. Smoothie asks why she didn't say anything, but TLLH doesn't want to jump in and be a bitch if Dana's happy. Dudes. If I'm dating someone, and she's crazy? Let me know. Up front. Because. oy vey Jesus. It's much better than hearing, "Oh we always hated her," after the fact. The CAC.
CargoPants drops by Biceps office just to let her know
she's there working. Biceps acknowledges her and looks
over some paperwork. After a moment, a pair of arms wrap
around her from behind. Biceps says, "I'm sorry, I
can't." But it's Tina. OH SHIT. "You can't
what, babe?" she asks. Biceps turns, relieved it's
her then lies that she doesn't think she can get the show
up and running in time. Tina assures her that she can,
then says the Dinah Shore madness just made her wanna
come home and crawl in bed And, the end! Till next time, compadres. |