the one with big gay fae

I had to download this week’s episode again and here’s how much of a dork I am. I opened the file and started watching the “previously” segment and I couldn’t believe that they felt it was necessary to include the entire “previously” segment from last week. And then I realized I was watching last week’s episode. Doh! But now I have the correct file opened and I’m ready to go, Subway sandwich in hand.

Previously: Worffcesca’s back in town. Dana comes out to her parents at the O.C. Biceps butts into everyone’s business. Plus she’s going to burn in hell.

Lisbon, Portugal. Present Day. A woman looks at some guys who are standing around pretending to be Jesus and his posse. Kind of like a living nativity, but thirty years later. He’s got his hands outstretched and glowy light around his head. Ooo, Snoop Dogg’s listed as a guest star! But he’s not playing Jesus. Oh. My. What’s this? It’s the Passion of the Christ. Brought to you by Leon Phelps, the Ladies’ Man. The woman is now naked on her hands and knees, in front of JC, videotaping herself and her intimate relationship with The Lord. Well crap, there goes the right wing conservative backing for this show.

And now, “The L Word” theme: Sexy Jesus mix!

The Lovely Leisha Hailey and LisaKrackow are all snuggly buggly in bed. TLLH gets up to use the bathroom.
LisaKrackow tells her to “Hurry back, lover.” She mutters “what a les” under her breath as she leaves the room. Heh.

The PoorTards’. Biceps is making juice. Tina runs in and says that she thought Biceps was already supposed to be gone. Biceps says she has five minutes. Tina asks her to move the car because “the guys are here with the tank and they can’t get through.” Tank? Biceps has no idea what she’s talking about and looks out the window to see two men delivering what looks like a Jacuzzi. Tina rushes out and tells the guys that Biceps is going to move the car. Why can’t Tina move the car? I’ve seen her drive before. I
know she can. Tina’s all “You gonna move [the car], or what?” Damn. Where’s all this aggression come from? I like AggroTina. Biceps asks AggroTina if it’s a birthing tank. Yep. Biceps wants to know when “they” agreed to have the baby in water. AggroTina snaps back with, “Since I decided to give birth that way.” Rowr. She continues saying that she didn’t want to bother Biceps with the details. Biceps says that the baby’s not due for six months. But AggroTina got a good deal on it. I’ll bet if she had this same attitude in the Baby Delivery Tank Store, they probably slashed prices like crazy just to make the
sale and get her to leave. Biceps wants to know what the Dr. “Please Have Oral Sex in My Exam Room” Ruth says about the tank. She thinks it’s swell. And now Biceps is pissed that AggroTina talked to the good doctor about it but not to her. AggroTina asks her to move the car. Again.

Classy Limo. Kit slips into the backseat. It’s Snoop! Or, Slim Daddy, as they call him in this wacky alternative dimension. She thanks him for giving her a ride to the studio. SlimFast’s Right Hand Man offers Kit a smoothie. The drink. Not the hot lesbian stud who does hair. And the smoothies he has look a heckuva lot like “melties.” SlimFast’s Limo of Love offers a variety of flavors: Strawberry, orange, some berry type thing, or peanut butter. Cringe. SF’s RHM says they got that one “just in case.” Just in case they needed to induce vomiting? And really, the best way to do that is to let Jenny try and explain
herself. Kit wisely opts for strawberry. SlimFast holds the smoothie for her while she sips from the straw. She says it’s good, but she’d like it better if she could hold it herself. And it would make me feel a lot less like I’m reading one of those fan fics where Willow’s a hardcore dominatrix and Submissive!Faith really just wants something to drink. ANYWAY… SF’s RHM just starts laughing his ass off (probably because he knows the fic I’m talking about) until SlimFast tells him that he gets to drink the peanut butter. So there.

Dana! My future wife. Along with Jaye Tyler from “Wonderfalls.” It’s okay, we’ll get a big house. Dana’s
lying on her bed, petting her pussy… CAT. You guys really need to clean up your minds. Filthy thinkers. The cat’s name is Mr. Piddles. Aw. Dana talks to Mr. P. about how CrispyLara (sniff, RIP TheCute!) and how she’d come over and they’d “move around a lot… together.” She tells Mr. P. that CrispyLara’s gay and so is she, then asks him if he still loves her. Dana, sweetie, you are the most adorable person in the entire universe. The cat seems to take Dana’s news rather well. Then again, she’s scratching his ears, so she
probably could have told him that she was having an S&M affair with Fran Drescher and Mr. P. would’ve been okay with it. Maybe she should have tried the “ear scratch” tactic with her parents. Dana tells him he’s the “best cat ever.” There’s a sound from another part of the house. Dana pulls the covers up to her chin, listening. TLLH walks into the room, telling Dana to get out of bed. She yanks off the bed covers and we hear the cry of a distraught Mr. Piddles. TLLH apologizes to him then turns to Dana and says, “Some of
us have it worse, you know. Some of us are dating lesbian men.” Hee.

The CAC. Biceps is watching “Leon Phelp’s Passion of the Christ” with James the BitchBoy. She comments on how the woman in the piece is “longing for faith.” I know I am. I’ve been longing for Faith ever since she first showed up in season three of Buffy. If Eliza Dushku isn’t listed somewhere as a religious experience, she oughta be. We witness the Coming of the Christ. It looks to be the first, but it could be the Second Coming… I’m no prophet, so I can’t be sure. A guy steps into the room to deliver some
flowers. There’s no card. BitchBoy suggests they might be from Tina, but Biceps says that Tina’s into “practical gift giving.” Like Tupperware or Pampered Chef. FlowerBoy asks if the Jesus film is “supposed to be art.” Biceps says, “It’s not supposed to be. It IS.” FlowerBoy leaves and mutters something about Hustler and Penthouse putting out art. Heh. Putting out. And besides, jackass, this piece is way too softcore for either of those venues. Biceps asks BitchBoy to make sure that FlowerBoy leaves the
building. And if this were somekind of bad Sci-Fi Lifetime Television for Women movie, I’d expect the flowers to be emitting some kind of poison gas right about now.

The Planet. TLLH puts a frosty, chocolaty drink in front of a Pouty!Dana. She sips the drink as TLLH picks up her phone and dials a number. When the person answers she asks if their refrigerator is running, then tosses the phone to Dana, who gives in and says, “Well, then you’d better catch it! … MOM?!” She hangs up and glares at TLLH, who tells her that she needs to speak with her mother. The phone rings. It’s Sharon, calling back. TLLH answers and apologizes for the prank call, then hands the phone over to Dana. They have a brief conversation, then Dana hangs up saying, “It’s like I came out to a piece of wood.” Sharon’s set Dana up on a blind date with her friend Mildred’s son. TLLH says it’s better than shock therapy.

Slather… er, Lather. Smoothie’s about to step out for coffee, but Manager Crankypants reminds her that Sherri Jaffe is due at 6PM and she’s not going to wait around for Smoothie’s caffeine high. A woman with a HUGE notebook enters the salon and asks for “[Smoothie] McHutchin” which fully amuses me because it rhymes with “McTouchin’.” Notebook presents Smoothie with a five year record of Sherri’s hair history, preferred products, and my personal favorite, products to be used under “NO CIRCUMSTANCE.”
“What is that? Suave? Get that shit away from me.” Personally, I prefer the Mary-Kate and Ashley Real Products for Real Girls. Everything smells coconutterful. Notebook makes Smoothie sign a form saying that she understands all the material she’s been presented. Enter Sherri Jaffe (played by the wonderfully fabulous Rosanna Arquette). Notebook points her in Smoothie’s direction. They exchange awkward hellos like they’re high school rivals who just got dropped off at a church picnic and have to be nice to each
other because their parents are right there. And you know what? Sherri Jaffe? That name carries no weight with me. Let’s change it. What shall we call her…? Don’t worry, I’ll think of something by the time we get back to her.

The Dopest Video Shoot of All Time. Kit’s surrounded by fly boys and learning the Choreography for the new Slim Fast video. Biceps watches. SlimFast appears from the shadows like he’s Batman. Or Angel. Whatever, they’re the same. Biceps looks positively mortified at Kit’s lack of coordination. I really, really want her to bust a move. Just one, to show them how it’s done. But then people might think she’s crazy… you know, some kind of maniac out on the dance floor. If you’re keeping track, that’s two. And considering we’re more than halfway through the season, I’d say I’ve exercised considerable restraint. SlimFast hits on
Biceps. She tells him that she’s Kit’s sister. They have the following exchange:

SF: Kit’s sister?
B: Her half sister.
SF: Mmm… the beautiful half, I suppose.
B: More like the gay half.
SF: Is that so?

Keep your finger on that page, because we’ll be checking back there later. The crew takes a break and all the dancers head outside as SlimFast reprimands them for not looking happy. They obviously haven’t mastered the art of “Dancer Face.” Kit hugs Biceps and SlimFast is all turned on saying that he likes to see that. And then I have to go take a shower. He says that Biceps is an “interesting lady.” Kit asks if Biceps told him about how she’s a gay lady. SlimFast says that they have something in common and wants to know where all her girlfriends are. “We don’t usually travel in packs,” she tell him. Unless it’s Dinah Shore weekend (which is happening RIGHT NOW because this recap is horribly late). He tells her to bring them by
tomorrow to “bring some excitement” to the video. Kit asks if the excitement is for him or her. He says they can share, then heads off with his Right Hand Man as Kit and Biceps giggle about how flirty he is.

Back at the Hair Barn. I actually once saw a place called the Hair Barn and wondered WTF kind of people would go to a place called Hair Barn. Boot Barn I understand, Hair Barn, not so much. Glasses!Smoothie’s working on ~~Sherri Jaffe’s~~ Marti Noxon’s hair. Marti tells Notebook to order some Coldplay tickets for some girl who works for her, but says not to tell her about them in case she quits. She then dismisses Notebook to go pick something up. As she leaves, Glasses!Smoothie turns the barber chair so that she and Marti are face to face. Smoothie’s wearing these wire rimmed glasses that make me want to lick the screen. Honest
to god, I’m resisting the temptation to ditch this recap and make Glasses!Smoothie LJ icons. But I remain faithfully yours and will continue to recap. Okay, I kind of lied. Because I had to stop recapping because someone was here. And then before I started again, I made an icon. I’m so ashamed. “What do you want?” Glasses!Smoothie asks Marti. Oh, she wants “so many things” but as far as what Glasses!Smoothie can do, she just wants “a change… something new.” Glasses!Smoothie says she knows what to do, then
tells Marti to take her shirt off. There’s a beat, then she tells her that there’s smocks in the back. Heh. One more orgasmic exhalation for Glasses!Smoothie. Sigh.

Worffcessca’s House of Manipulation. And we’re not talking PSP manips here, folks. Well, maybe Jenny’s made a few to go with her Faith/Buffy fanfic. Worffcesca’s pouring Jenny a big ass glass of wine and then stands over her while she drinks, like she’s just waiting to get her wasted. That’s funny, because I used to know this girl named Jenny who would come to parties, literally drink less than a half of a beer and then stumble around saying, “I’m soooo wasted.” Worffcesca puts on some music, saying she likes to start
with something bubbly but champagne is has too much expectation. She prefers things to be simple. Meanwhile, ProRina and Jenny make moon eyes at each other behind her back.

Glasses!Smoothie is straightening (!) Marti’s hair. She asks how Glasses!Smoothie met Harry Samcheck and says that when he recommended her, she “thought he was full of shit.” But then she saw Ellie Zimmer looking hot for the first time in, well, ever and was impressed. She drinks from her own big ass glass of wine (because this episode of “The L Word” has been brought to you by: Wine. Drink it in big ass
amounts. It’s classy.) and asks how Glasses!Smoothie got Samcheck to fall in love with her. Glasses!Smoothie snickers and says that she didn’t sleep with him, if that’s what Marti’s alluding to. And can someone hand me a napkin? I drooled all over the keyboard.

Dinner. Blah, blah, blah… Jenny’s a writer, Worffcesca’s a stuck up lesbian playa, ProRina’s playing the role of jealous girlfriend, saying it was unethical of Worffcesca to seduce the Prima Ballerina from the beginning of L’ennui. Because ProRina watches this show, too. Or maybe she’s just reading the recaps. But she knows what going on. Jenny just about chokes on ProRina’s statement, saying that she doesn’t peg ProRina as the ethical type. She’ll peg her any other way, though. Worffcesca says that ProRina is
“beautiful and that compensates for a multitude of sins.” ProRina gets a little miffed at the remark, but Worffcesca assures her that it’s a compliment to be the topic of discussion.

SmoothieCuts. Marti is raving about Smoothie (sans glasses) over the phone, thanking Samcheck for begging her to go see her. She kisses Smoothie on the cheek then tells Samcheck that Smoothie’s a genius for giving her a great haircut and not sleeping with him. Manager Crankypants lets Marti out
of the salon (because it’s now night and they’re closed). He tells Smoothie that Marti left her a $200 tip, then tells her to sweep up. Doh!

Jenny’s trying to help with the dishes, but ProRina tells her to stop. Worffcesca heads upstairs for some reason. I hope it’s to dislodge her head from her ass. ProRina says it’s been difficult to get Jenny out of her mind and that Jenny needs to stop acting like she’s the only one with feelings. Jenny throws ProRina’s cool attitude back in her face. ProRina asks why Jenny even came to dinner. Jenny wanted to find out “why someone would work so hard to make someone fall in love with them when they really don’t give a fuck.”
Ooo! She loooooooves her! Jenny and ProRina sitting in a tree, maybe they should learn their A-nat-omy. ProRina snaps back with a sarcastic, “That’s a great assessment on who I am.” “Well, who are you?” asks Jenny, for like the billionth time. God, you’d think she’d remember her name after the first couple of times she nailed her. ProRina says that Jenny keeps asking that (see?!) and maybe Jenny’s just not paying attention. Actually, I think Jenny might ask less questions if ProRina took a diction class. They offer them at your local junior college. Just a thought. ProRina says the saddest thing is that Jenny has no idea how
much she means to her. Well, she tries to say that, but Jenny, suddenly Ms. Romance, grabs her and kisses her. They keep on kissing until Worffcesca interrupts them. Oh yeah. Her. “I thought it was a little bit quiet down here,” she says. Jenny starts to apologize but ProRina tells her that it’s okay. “Is it?” asks Worffcesca. Yeah… is it? Worffcesca tells Jenny that ProRina’s very good at making you feel like you’re the only one that exists and that she doesn’t blame Jenny for falling in love with her, but maybe ProRina should be more careful. She’s about to open Jenny’s bottle of wine, but grabs another, instead. She asks Jenny
about her demon Buffy/Faith fic, saying that ProRina gave it a good review. But methinks ProRina’s just a sucker for Faith fic. Who isn’t? Jenny calls them on their little conquest game. Worffcesca says that Jenny’s “not exactly an innocent bystander.” Jenny grabs her bottle of wine as Worffcesca tells her that when she’s out of town, they’re both allowed to do as they please, but when she comes home, she wants things the way she left them. Yeah, and I’d like my roommate to do the dishes more often. Suck it,
Worffcesca. She hands Jenny her purse. Jenny thanks her and leaves, chucking the bottle of wine at the house when she reaches the sidewalk. Man, those shatterproof windows sure are handy.

Tim’s House of Kung Fu. Tim’s watching an old Kung Fu movie. Jenny comes in with her little shower tote in hand. Tim asks if she’d like to watch the bad movie with him. He says it’s stupid, but that’s what he’s in the mood for. She nods and sits down on the opposite end of the couch, but he puts his arm around her and she leans up against him. “I love you so much” are the stupid fucking words that come out of her mouth. Oh.My.God. Did she not just tell ProRina that she was in love with her? Isn’t there a limit? Like
how you can only withdraw $300 a day from the ATM? Stupid Jenny. Well, he did say he was in the mood for stupid. Oh ew! I didn’t mean The Mood! They totally start going at it, like crazy monkeys. He carries her to the bedroom and they rip off each other’s clothes, blah, blah, blah, heterosexuality. They stop for a moment and look at each other, then it’s back on the Missionary Express.

The PoorTards’. Tina’s asking Biceps if she’s upset that she decided on her own to get the birthing tank. Biceps says she’s not mad, she just felt left out. Tina goes on saying that she’s felt really safe and loved with Biceps, but lately she hasn’t been feeling it. She’s just been trying to concentrate on herself. Hmm… this can’t be good.

Haspell’s House of Morning After. Tim and Jenny are in bed and she’s yammering on about how she loves being there with him, it’s over between her and ProRina, and basically talks non-stop about her lesbian lover and her girlfriend and that she threw a bottle of wine at their house. Tim gets out of bed and says he “took a giant fucking step backwards” and that he doesn’t want to be back together with Jenny. He
doesn’t understand how she can go on abo ut how phony and manipulative ProRina and Worffcesca are when Jenny’s doing the same thing. And Tim is SO cute right now. I want to hug him. And carry him around in my handbag. He says that whatever’s gotten into Jenny, he doesn’t want it in him. That’s just like a guy. They’ll stick their business in anything, but they don’t want you to stick it in them. Ahem. He leaves. Jenny mutters a “fuck you” and says she’s not apologizing anymore. THANK YOU. Please, get on with your damn life. Stupid Jenny.

Paramount Pictures! Hey, I’ve been there. I saw Madonna. She’s not very tall. Smoothie, TLLH, and Dana are piled into the backseat of the PoorTards’ bitchin’ Mustang. TLLH’s phone rings. It’s LisaKrackow but she refuses to answer, so Tina answers for her, telling LisaKrackow that TLLH is not there. But apparently, he can hear TLLH’s breathing. Weird. Security Guard asks them for their ID’s. TLLH then asks the car, on behalf of LisaKrackow if, perhaps, they “forgot to invite him because he’s a little bit different.” Dana says yes. Hee. Smoothie takes the call and tells him that he needs to stop being such a lesbian because it’s not cute anymore and it’s going to chase the girls away. Security Guard says that he has no record of the fact that they’re supposed to be on the lot that day. Fortunately, SlimFast’s Limo of Love pulls up right behind them and SF’s RHM approaches Security Guard. He tells him to let the girls in because they’re “[SlimFast’s] people.” Security Guard doesn’t buy it. SF’s RHM breaks it down for him. Biceps is his business manager,
Tina’s the accountant, TLLH is his P.R. lady, Dana’s his White Lady (hee!), and Smoothie’s just a friend who came along for the ride. Security Guard lets them in. SF’s RHM says that SlimFast wants tot alk to Biceps, but she says she won’t go with out The Accountant… and as his Business Manager, she must insist. Heh.

SlimFast’s Limo of Love. Tina and Biceps climb into the back of the limo with SlimFast. He asks who the fuck Tina is. The tell him that they’re partners. But not business partners. Life partners. SlimFast asks if Kit’s committed to a chick, too. Biceps tells him that she’s the gay one, not Kit. BECAUSE OF THE CONVERSATION THAT THEY HAD WHERE SHE TOLD HIM THAT SHE WAS THE GAY SISTER. I think SlimFast
smoked himself retarded. We’re suddenly inside the studio and apparently, SlimFast reworked the video and now, instead of hot fly boys, it’s hot fly girls. Tina says it looks like Kit’s having fun. Biceps disagrees, “She’s being mounted.” Mounted. Heh. Kit keeps tripping over the girls. TLLH says she wants to do that dance and starts dancing. Smoothie looks at her and says, “You do NOT want to do that dance.” TLLH says that it’s hard. Dana says it’s because it requires a sense of rhythm that TLLH doesn’t seem to possess. SlimFast walks over and asks if TLLH and Dana are together. Nope. Then he asks Smoothie who she is. She introduces herself, then realizes she’s sitting in his chair. They cut whatever take they’re shooting and Kit tells SlimFast that she can’t do the video. She loves the song but she can’t make a fool of herself. SlimFast apologizes for changing the guys to girls in the video because the thought that was what she wanted. Kit could care less about that, in fact, she thinks it’s sweet that he did that for her. She’s just not 20 anymore. The director walks up and tells them that he needs to keep shooting.
SlimFast tells him that Kit is the reason they’re shooting a damn video and tells him to go figure out how to make the video work.

Leather. I mean, Lather. Smoothie shows up at work to find Notebook waiting for her. Marti’s hosting a benefit that evening and would like Smoothie to do her… do her hair at 5PM. Smoothie says she’ll do it. Notebook hands her the directions and tells her to be on time because Marti gets grumpy when she’s made to wait.

The CAC. Biceps finds all kinds of posters and stickers stuck to the windows that say all kinds of fancy
conservative sayings about pornography (Art = Filth, The CAC: A receptacle for pornography, Walk though these doors to pollute your mind, Pornography Peddlers). BitchBoy hands Biceps a cup of coffee and tells her that the group responsible is that Coalition for Concerned Citizens. That totally sounds like something my mother would belong to. They’ve been tracking the show, but the L.A. showing is where they’ve been planning to strike, because “L.A. is the capital of filth and degradation.” It’s also chock full of demon activity. But we have a dark avenger for that. These guys just tackle the porn. The CCC sent a bunch of
brochures and such which BitchBoy never passed on to Biceps because he thought it was junk mail. Oops.

The Noxon Residence. An accented HouseWoman answers the door and directs Smoothie upstairs, saying that Marti’s waiting for her. And there she is, Big Ass Glass of Wine in hand, wearing a black robe. Marti leads her into the dressing area and sits in front of her big hair fixing mirror. Smoothie asks if she should do what she did last time. Marti says she’d like a little more. “What kind of more?” asks Smoothie. For being so Smoothie, she’s kind of innocent in this scene. And VERY cute. “Lots more,” Marti turns and starts undoing Smoothie’s pants. “Oh,” is Smoothie’s reply. Heh. Marti drops the robe.

The Planet. LisaKrackow’s trying to make TLLH drink some god awful green sludgy “beverage” saying that TLLH is always feeling sluggish so she should drink slimy green crap. He starts talking about how she’s brought her fatigue into the bedroom and every time they make love she gets her cookies, but he doesn’t get his because she’s too tired. Welcome to my relationship with first girlfriend. TLLH asks if LisaKrackow’s pumping her full of sludge so he can come. Hmm… that sounds… wrong. LisaKrackow suggests that she cut
out red meat and she might feel better. I just started doing that recently. Of my own volition, not at the
recommendation of a Lesbian Man. Dana enters, wearing a lovely scoop neck top and slacks. Oh yeah, Blind Date! I wish we had those little cartoon things like they have on that show. I watch Blind Date every day at 4PM because I’m at work and there’s nothing else to do. She firmly shakes hands (gay!) with some fancy pretty guy named Andrew. They sit. TLLH grabs a front row seat. FancyAndrew says that he heard Dana’s a tennis player. Yep. She says its fun but hard work. FancyAndrew compliments her on her body. Dana fumbles a thank you as he continues on about how he doesn’t understand why she needed to be set up because he saw her picture and thought she was very attractive. She asks if it was a Subaru ad. Heh. He asks about the ad. She tells him the slogan was, “I do chicks in the backseat of this bitchin’ SUV.” I mean, she tells him the slogan was, “Get out and stay out.” He asks it it’s an “outdoorsy thing.” She says it’s a “gay thing” and that she’s a lesbian. He gives her a funny look. She tells him not to look at her
like that because she won’t have sex with him and another woman because she’d only want to have sex with that woman, because she’s “that gay.” And Dana, I’d gladly be that woman, by the way. She apologizes for making him come all the way out, stands up and shakes his hand (gay!). He says it’s no problem. Dana high fives TLLH, who swoops in and starts talking to FancyAndrew, asking if he’s straight. He
sure is. Dana and LisaKrackow watch as TLLH flirts like a crazy schoolgirl. And Dana’s pretty damn proud of herself for telling a straight guy she was gay without really trying.

Back at the Ranch. Smoothie and Marti are still at it. Marti can’t wait to tell Samcheck that she had The Sex with Smoothie and he didn’t. That always makes a girl feel special. Oh crap, Mr. Marti Noxon is home. They scramble to get up off the floor. Smoothie dives into the bathroom as Marti throws her shoes in after her. Mr. Marti Noxon enters only to have his wife reprimand him for walking on her when she’s not ready. Or, you know, when she's having sexual relations with strangers. He thought she would be by now. She tells him she was having her hair done. Now,t his whole times she’s still putting on her robe and she’s standing around in her underwear. Does he not find this odd? Or maybe everyone gets their hair done wearing only a bra, panties and stockings and I’m just doing it all wrong. HusbandNoxon says her hair looks good. She calls it the “just fucked look.” Smoothie opens the door and exits the bathroom, her clothes actually on, unlike some other people in the room. HusbandNoxon goes to shake her hand but she’s all, “My hands are wet.” Hee! That’s like in Bound, when Gina Gershon shakes Joey Pants’ hand right after she was
scratching Jennifer Tilly’s carnal itch. That part always makes me laugh. Smoothie grabs her hair cutting kit as HusbandNoxon says “it’s good to be able to put a face to the name” because Samcheck won’t stop talking about her. She fixes Marti’s hair and says she looks lovely, then hurries out the door. Marti says she’ll call her if she needs a touch up. Smoothie runs like the wind to her truck but HusbandNoxon catches up with her because they forgot to pay her. Smoothie doesn’t want to take the money. But HusbandNoxon insists, saying that she made his wife look hot and he wanted to “bang her right there” and that married men don’t have those thoughts about their wives. He hands her the money and tells her she could be a gold mine. It’s okay Smoothie, you can have sex with me for free. Just rememner to bring those glasses. Guh.

The CAC. Biceps highlights the name “Fae Buckley” on some kind of report or memo or term paper or maybe it’s a fan fic. BitchBoy brings Biceps a bag of children’s books for Lil’ Gay Mo. She grabs the books and heads to Tina’s doctor’s appointment because she’s already running late. On her way out, she runs into a woman who wants to know if some of the new controversial pieces have arrived. Biceps says
that she’s not at liberty to release that information. QuestionLady wants to know if the Jesus piece is there yet. Biceps say that the piece uses Jesus in a symbolic way, not a literal way. But QuestionLady says that the only purpose for such a piece would be to offend people of the Christian faith. I love how these groups always make these kinds of things about how someone’s purposely trying to offend THEM.
Biceps says that various forms of art are important because different viewpoints should be represented and not everyone is of the Christian faith. QuestionLady asks if Biceps has kids. Biceps tells her about Lil’ Gay Mo. QuestionLady says she should be ashamed for making the world a darker place for her child, then asks if she thinks she’s morally bankrupt because she’s “a homosexual.” Biceps tells her that she’s a pervert by QuestionLady’s definition and that QuestionLady’s saying only a pervert could show the art in question. QuestionLady thanks her for her frankness and that she hopes Biceps likes the flowers. They’re just her way of saying it’s not personal. “Fae Buckley!” realizes Biceps. Fae turns, "Bingo." By the way, Fae walks like a lesbian linebacker.

TLLH’s Place. She’s still macking on FancyAndrew. But LisaKrackow’s at the door. He goes on and on about how FancyAndrew represents all that’s wrong in the world and TLLH wants to fuck him. FancyAndrew tells LisaKrackow to take it easy, but he won’t because he’s her lesbian lover. Man, those lesbians are brutal. FancyAndrew takes that as his cue to leave. TLLH says she’ll call him. After he leaves, she tells LisaKrackow that when she first met him, she just wanted something simple and uncomplicated. And what she got was a Lesbian Man who “does Lesbian” better than any lesbian she knows. TLLH wants a boyfriend who’s straight or a lesbian who’s a girl. And really, is that too much to ask?

Dr. Feelgood’s office. That wacky Dr. HaveSexRightHereRightNow is pushing a machine across the office. Biceps enters, apologizing for her tardiness. But Tina’s not there. The good Doc rolls up a chair and tells
her to have a seat. She wasn’t able to locate a heartbeat during the exam. Aw, fuck. Turns out, Lil’ Gay Mo ain’t gonna happen.

The PoorTards’. Biceps comes home, looking for Tina. She’s tucked away in the corner of the bedroom, crying. Biceps finds her and holds her, showing us that, dammit, she does actually care about Tina. It’s about damn time. There’s some noise coming from outside. A dog barks. Biceps goes outside to find FlowerBoy and SomeBitch putting a sign in her yard and carrying a video camera with the sun mounted on
it as a spot light. She rips the sign out of the ground (her name ain’t Biceps for nothin’) and tells them to get the hell away from her home. FlowerBoy bitches about pornography and children, but Biceps shoves the sign at him and tells them to never come back or they’ll regret it. They run off to their car, but not before SomeBitch says that Biceps is “going to hell.” Because that’s always the threat. But it doesn’t really work with people who are already told they’re going to hell, like, every other day. Biceps goes inside and braces herself against the front door before heading back to Tina.

Here endeth the episode.