Pilot Pt. One

Introduction. Exposition. Insemination.

So, let's go. The L Word.

Los Angeles cityscape. But it's daytime, so we must not be watching Angel. The Hollywood sign. Palmtrees. And freeways, freeways, freeways! Yep. That's L.A. Some song about love plays.

A guy sets up some kind of office in what looks to be a pool house. Actually, it looks like a hunting cabin, but since we're in LA, I'm gonna assume it's not. Unless there's a big hunting population in the Hollywood Hills that I'm not aware of.

Two women sleep in a big white bed.

Office guy changes his shirt, giving it the armpit sniff test before he's fully satisfied. He straightens up the bedroom as if he's some kind of crazed weasel.

The blonde from the big white bed is now in the bathroom, examining something. Maybe a pregnancy test? She calls for the other woman, whose name we learn is "Bette". The blonde is ovulating. Oh. So it was an ovulation test. Whatever. It's kind of the same. Just not. Bette says, "Let's make a baby." Blondie repeats the statement. And then they make out. Bette tells Blondie to get dressed. It might be too early to tell, but I'm gonna take a chance and say that Bette's a little bossy. As in demanding. Not like a little cow. Nevermind.

Office guy hops into his bitchin' brown muscle car as BossyBette and Blondie exit the house next door, saying "Hey Tim" and waving as he drives away. They get into a really nice blue convertible Mustang, which tells us that at least one of them must have a pretty decent job since they have a nice car and live in a pretty neighborhood. Ah, the visual exposition.

Now we're in some kind of coffee shop. The Lovely Leisha Hailey, formerly of The Murmurs and those Yoplait commercials, is standing at the counter next to Mick Jagger. A girl down the counter says, "Hi, Shane" but the hot brunette behind the counter tells her that Shane doesn't "talk to anyone before her morning shot" and hands Mick Jagger, I mean, Shane, a shot of espresso. Shane's actually really hot. I'm just afraid her hair will give me tetanus. Seriously, it's out of control. Anyway, TLLH says something about a kid to the ponytailed woman on the other side of her. Ponytail is all, "It's fine" and they go sit at a table while Shane skips out, saying goodbye to "the girl who dared speak to her before the morning shot". She runs into Blondie and BossyBette, telling them she can't stay because she has "a nine o'clock". Well, then, despite her appearance, she must not be a professional rock star, because they don't even think about starting their day before two PM. Blondie grabs a seat at the table with TLLH and Ponytail as all the women greet each other with a chorus of "good mornings". See, lesbianism is totally just like The Sound of Music. BossyBette confirms that they have a doctor's appointment later that morning and then breezes out the door. I'm sure she needs to get started on her very busy schedule of bossing people around. Upon hearing about the doctor, TLLH gets wide eyed asking, "Oh my god, is that today?" Ponytail is confused until TLLH explains that she's referring to The Insemination. Blondie interrupts, saying that first they're seeing a different doctor, a Stan Foxworthy. Ponytail's back in the dark again. TLLH tells her that's because she doesn't read. Ponytail snaps back with "What are you, the intellectual of life?" Hee. No, silly, she's the Lovely Leisha Hailey. She knows about good yogurt. And chick rock. TLLH exposits that Foxworthy is the "super exclusive shrink to the stars" and the he was on some list of best self improvement gurus. They want to know why Blondie and BossyBette need a shrink. Probably because BossyBette is so... bossy. Blondie BS's that it's just a formality before they get pregnant because it's such a big step. Ponytail can't understand why they'd need to go, since they have the best relationship of anyone she knows, gay or straight.

Tim picks up a girl at the airport. They gush all over each other.

Blondie's in the office of that super exclusive shrink to the stars, Jeff Foxworthy. Or Stan Foxworthy. Whatever. I think Jeff Foxworthy would be much more interesting. I also lived in a trailer once, so that might explain a lot. The doctor reminds me of Howie from the Radio Shack commercials. BossyBette is nowhere to be seen. Blondie assures Dr. MightBeaRedneck that she'll be there, she's just always running late and that after this they're picking up sperm from their friend Shaun. That must be fun. She rambles on enough to let us know that BossyBette is the director if the California Art Center, when, speak of the devil, BossyBette appears. She's talking on one of those hands free devices that makes you look like a crazy person because you never see the phone, all you see is someone talking and sometimes you think they're talking to you, but they're not and then they get angry because they can't hear because you're talking to them, trying to find out if they're talking to you or to the person on the phone.

Tim is giving his airport call girl a vague tour of Los Angeles. She asks if they can go to the Pacific Ocean. He says yes. And it's apparently so hot for them that they need to start going at it, right there, even though the light has turned green and everyone around them is totally pissed and honking at them. They're new. They don't know that green lights in L.A. only last about 3.4 seconds, and that if you make someone miss one, they get really pissed and will probably throw chocolate milk on your car. Okay, so it only happened the one time. But I learned my lesson that day!

"Do you want to tell me what the thinking is behind trying to have a child together when your sexual relationship has been pretty shitty for going on three years?" We're back at Dr. MBaR's. Blondie defends the relationship, saying that they've been together for seven years and plenty of heterosexual couples have babies when their sex lives aren't on fi- yah. BossyBette's phone vibrates, but before she answers it, she tells Dr. MbaR "obviously [doesn't] understand what happens in a lesbian relationship" and that it was silly to think that a "straight male therapist could possibly understand". Ouch. Dr. MbaR counters with an exact explanation of what causes lesbians in long term relationships to lose their sex drives in exchange for mutual dependency. He must be a lesbian, too. And with that, their hour is up, and would they like to schedule another appointment. BossyBette jumps in and says that she and Blondie AKA Tina need to discuss it first. "But what about [The Insemination]?" asks Dr. MbaR. They're doing it no matter what, healthy sex life be damned! Tina quit her job (as "a pretty successful development executive") to do this thing and they're ready to start a family. BossyBette probably just wants to create more people to boss around.

Tim and Airport Girl arrive at home. She loves the neighborhood, saying it's "very traditional" but he says "it's not as traditional as you might think". Hmm. Really? The gays! The gays! We're plenty traditional, dammit. She yammers on about how it's been the "longest six months of [her] life" and she can't believe she's finally there. He shows her the studio he set up, saying he "remodeled" the garage. First of all, I don't think it was a garage. It has wood floors. Secondly, you did not remodel anything. You moved stuff around. It's like the time my friend Adam bought this entertainment center and then said he "built" it, when really all he did was "assemble" it. There's a difference. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE. There's a difference. Anyway, the girl squeals with delight over her newly rearranged garage office studio. She says she loves it and then Tim runs off, saying he'll be back soon.

BossyBette and Tina are at Shaun the Artist's loft to pick up their baby makin' ingredients. He goes into the next room, but we still see his silhouette through a curtained window. The girls whisper about the progression of Shaun's art as he huffs and puffs in the background.

Bette and Tina's car. BossyBette's doing the crazy person hands free phone thing again, talking to someone named Annie who works at the gallery. She feels the need to tell her employee that Tina's holding Artist Sperm between her legs, explaining that it will survive longer if kept at body temperature. Wow, this show teaches you biology, too? And then she picks it up and looks at it, saying she "can't believe [she] used to swallow that stuff". I could say one of many things here, but I won't.

The Garage Office Studio. Airport girl is plugging in her laptop when she hears a voice saying, "Yeah, Tina said I could swim here whenever." She peeks over the fence to see Shane and another girl, stripping down. Naked Shane dives into the water and tames the beast that is her hair, at least for a few minutes. The other girl joins her in the water and they have all The Pool Sex as Airport Girl watches from afar, not really sure what to do with herself.

The Insemination! A female doctor says she's going to take a look at the sperm in the other room. Then she basically tells BossyBette and Tina to get down and dirty RIGHT THERE because it's "more likely to take if you're aroused". More likely to take? Like it's a perm or a haircolor? Sorry, Tina, the baby didn't take, so I'm gonna bleach it out and try again. Just be sure to condition the hell out of it when you get home. BossyBette's face is like, "We have to have sex? We don't need sex to make a baby!" The doctor winks at her and leaves the room. Oh my god. Tina's already all set up in the freakin' stirrups and BossyBette has to get down under all the paper garments and go to town. It's like something out of one of those late night Rhonda Shear movies. Only not. Because it was too absurd for even them. And BossyBette, too, apparently, because she pops back up to announce that it's just "too weird" and that the doctor would never suggest it to a straight couple. Ooo. Yeah. I see. BossyBette's like that. The "This is because I'm gay, isn't it" attitude. Sigh. Fortunately, the Doctor Ruth comes back in and asks BossyBette to come have a look at something. Artist Boy's little swimmers can't even doggie paddle. Well, crap. There must be more sperm in the world somewhere. But where?

Airport Girl is in a Trader Joe's type market. The cashier is wearing a button that reads, "Positions She asks the cashier for an application. If she gets this job, I'm going to be pissed. Forget the authenticity of lesbians and relationships, if this girl walks into Southern California and gets the first job she applies for, all sense of reality is out the window.

Tina returns to the coffee shop where TLLH and Ponytail are still there. Oh, maybe it's the next day because they're all wearing different clothes. But wait, Tina's wearing the same outfit. Oh, the confusion! TLLH tells her to be careful due to the baby. Tina reveals that The Insemination was a no-go due to Artist Boy's "lackluster" sperm and Ponytail reveals that TLLH's name is Alice. That's nice. I'm still calling her by her rightful title. TLLH is shocked to hear about Artist Boy, saying "you'd never know it by the way he fucks." Ponytail is appalled at the heterotalk, saying that TLLH needs to pick whether she likes the wee wee or the hoo hoo. Ah, so Alice is The Bisexual. And Ponytail shuns her for it. But not really. PS - Ponytail's name is Dana. They express sympathy for Tina's lack of a donor, especially since Artist Boy was the one BossyBette really wanted. But what do YOU want, Tina? I doubt she knows. Since Tina's already ovulated they have two days to find some runner-up semen. The hot accented woman from earlier joins them at the table, saying that they should be able to find a suitable donor. All they need is to find someone who is "healthy, strong, creative, handome" and "artistic." Dana suggests Shane, who has just entered the caf‚, then verbally attacks her asking why she has to "dress like that all the time" because it "like screams dyke" and she wouldn't want to be seen on the street with her. This pisses off TLLH, forcing Dana to explain that her sponsors wouldn't want to be represented by some "big ol' lezzie tennis player." Okay. Hold on. Tennis? And you think they don't know you're gay? PLEASE. Sigh. Shane's cool, saying she understands the need to make a living and then leaves to meet a client. Yes, but what does she do? Tina guides them back to her quest for the Semen of a Righteous Man (tm - FRIENDS) until "I'm so in the closet" Dana feels the need to blatantly ogle Airport Girl as she walks past the window of the caf‚. Everyone looks at Dana and tells her that she's "so gay" to which she replies with a defeated, "I know." SO GAY!

Auooooogah! HETERO ALERT! Tim and Airport Girl are gettin' freaky on the couch and she's telling him about how she saw the lesbian neighbors having all The Pool Sex. She proceeds to give him incredibly accurate details on the account and then says that she "wasn't really watching that closely." Right. And Tim calls her on it, making her tell him more about what she saw. And then they have sex on the couch in such a way that makes my neck hurt.

Swimming pool. No, not the one at Bette and Tina's. It's the CU swim team pool. Tim and another guy appear to be coaches of the female swim team over at CU. Some swimmer named Trish asks Tim if he can tutor her in physics, but he can't because his girlfriend Jenny is in town and they need to go car shopping. Trish walks off, sad and dejected. Other Coach laughs saying that Tim just broke her heart. Oh well. It's college. She'll get over him. Probably in a drunken stupor with another girl at a party. Hmm... that sounds like a good idea.

The coffee shop. BossyBette spots Dana at a table and rushes up to her saying, "Oh my god, is that Dana Fairbanks at The Planet in West Hollywood?" TLLH counters with, "Shh... she doesn't want her tennis fans to know she's a gay lady!" And I laugh. Because it's funny. See, Shane's laughing, too. Dana suddenly asks what everyone thinks about butt waxing. Swear. To. God. I'm not even covering this conversation. BossyBette is totally with me because she jumps up and leaves for work, but only after TLLH suggests that they have a party on Saturday to find a donor. Donor Party! Jesus. And then they manage to find their way back to the topic of butt hair. La la la la la la. Tina says that whatever's going on, Dana has to take care of it because she'll never have "bush confidence." I don't think anyone in America has Bush confidence. But that's a different website. Anyway, according to Tina, Dana needs "bush confidence" or she'll never get laid.

Jenny's kickin' it in the Office Garage Studio when Tina's disembodied voice asks her is she wants any rosemary. Tina pops up from the other side of the fence, holding a pair of pruning shears. She must have been trimming the bush..es. Jenny introduces herself and accepts the herbal offer. They end up chatting on the porch. Jenny exposits that she's a writer and Tina fills Jenny in on the Baby Quest. Jenny's confused because she thought Tina and BossyBette were a couple. I suddenly wonder if Jenny knows that Chicken of the Sea is tuna. Tina explains that "everything still works" and that she can still get pregnant, and then waves to an entourage of gay dads that pass by. Jenny's like, "Oh my god!" as if she's on some African safari and just saw a giraffes for the first time. Then she announces that she must run home to write. Probably to write a letter to her friend Julie about how she saw actual gays, in person and everything. Tina invites her to the Donor Party on Saturday. Jenny says she'll have to ask Tim. I'm sure Tina's wondering if Tim is healthy, strong, handsome, creative, and artistic.

Hollywood Boulevard. Night. Someone's getting pulled over. It's Pam Grier! A manly cop shines a light in her face. She says, "Hey, what do you have to say for yourself?" Hee. I'm totally saying that the next time I get pulled over. The cop asks for her license and registration. She says she's in a hurry to get to her first paying gig in over a year, but he doesn't care. Pam Grier does not look happy.

The Donor Party. TLLH and BossyBette are talking about how lesbians think friendship is another word for foreplay. That's not true. Well, maybe it is. Dammit. Shane arrives and hugs Tina. BossyBette comments that "everytime Shane enters a room, someone leaves, crying." Tammy Lynn Michaels approaches Shane and asks her why she never called her back because she "left, like, five messages." Shane counters, saying that she doesn't have her cell phone but when she finds it, she'll check the messages and call her back. Smooth, Shane. From now on, I shall call you Smoothie. So, Smoothie saunters off, letting ObsessoGirl rush out the door right into Jenny and Tim. ObsessoGirl gets in Jenny's face, saying that she should go tell Smoothie that it's "just not right" and then hurries off into the night. Tim just grins, thinking, "Those wacky lesbians!" Tina introduces Tim and Jenny to The Gang. Tim recognizes Dana as the tennis pro that she is, causing everyone else to bitch and moan about how Dana's gonna be "insufferable" because of the recognition. Sure enough, Dana grabs the nearest guy in sight and attaches herself to his hip. Apparently, he's Harrision, her doubles partner. She calls him "honey." A bunch of lesbian extras run up and start examining everyone's hands. A pink haired girl says that some article in the Enquirer reported that lesbians' ring fingers are longer than their index fingers. I remember that. And according to it, I'm not gay. Damn. Nevermind that I like women. The fingers don't lie! Smoothie's "totally gay," as is Tina. Dana keeps her hands hidden, petrified that someone might out her in the middle of this roomful of lesbians. TLLH makes the team, but just barely. Tim jokes that he might be a lesbian and Jenny's fingers are exactly the same length. TLLH suggests she might be bisexual. Tim laughs. BossyBette sends Dana and Harrison off with Jenny and Tim to get drinks. Harrison totally hits on Tim, asking if he plays tennis because he's always up for some action.

Pam Grier's still gettin' hustled by the fuzz. The cop says her license was revoked. She calls it a technicality. He threatens to throw her in jail until she mentions that she's on her way to a gig with the Neville Brothers. Hoo boy, does the cop love them. He lets her off easy after she bribes him with backstage passes to their show at the House of Blues.

Smoothie's making out with some blonde tattooed chick and Jenny's totally watching them. She observes that it's a "very, very interesting party." Dana says it's because BossyBette's a "big art world lady" and knows a lot of artists. And lesbians. Dana claims she never noticed. Tim points out that it's difficult to miss. Jenny brings up The Baby Quest. Harrison claims that "there's a lot of that going around" and recites the old lesbian U-Haul joke with a turkey baster twist. Tim and Jenny look uncomfortable, as Dana laughs saying, "Honey I don't even know why you know that joke." Then she beats him with a towel and storms off to find Tina, asking her what she was thinking "inviting those geeky straight people." She bitches that she has to play hetero, but BossyBette makes a good point saying that it's not their fault that Dana and Harrison want to "masquerade as Ozzie and Harriet." Dana rolls her eyes and slinks away. Tina and BossyBette resume interviewing a guy named Simon for his sperm. But Simon's not into it, because he doesn't want some kid popping in on him in seventeen years.

Jenny and TLLH are on the couch, talking about Jenny's writing award that she won for "Thus Spoke Sarah Schuster." Hot accented coffee shop woman overhears, saying that Jenny's pretty bold to rip off Nietzsche and she'd better be good. TLLH introduces her as Marina, the owner of the Planet, which has gotten a lot of business since TLLH wrote about it in her "little magazine." Jenny and TLLH briefly bond over being writers, but TLLH thinks journalism is different than writing literature, and tells Marina about the literary prize Jenny recently won. Marina and Jenny start talking about authors, making TLLH virtually invisible. They make moon eyes at each other until Marina asks Jenny about her most "life altering book of all time." Neither of them wants to say until TLLH volunteers to have them each tell her and then she'll tell them if they're compatible, even though they've already mentally undressed each other and their auras are having sex on the coffee table. They each whisper their answers to her and she gets up and leaves them "alone to get married."

Tina and BossyBette have cornered another guy out by the pool. He's flattered, but he doesn't want to pass on his own genetic shortcomings to any child. Buck teeth? There's always braces. Shingles? Early onset manic depression? Both treatable. Premature hair loss, even amongst the women? It's okay, they'll get a weave. Hideous tendency to drool? Okay, okay. They get the genetic deformity that is the picture.

Pam Grier caught a ride to the party with the cop. Hey, don't let him leave! This is the Donor Party, dammit! We need all the men we can get. TLLH greets Pam Grier... or Kit, as they call her. Jenny's waiting for the bathroom when Marina saunters up next to her. A woman exits and Jenny offers to let Marina go first, but Marina's chivalrous and kind and lets people who have been waiting longer go before her. As soon as Jenny's in the bathroom, she barges in and kisses her, totally copping a feel. Man, that's aggressive. She should teach a class. Wait, maybe she is, because Jenny looks to be a quick study, until she pulls away, looking confused or crazy, I'm not sure which, and slips out the door. Marina looks disappointed.

Tim's talking to some screenwriter types about his swimming career. He's just about to get to the really exciting part of hiw swim team story when Jenny butts in and says she wants to leave. They live right next door. I hate girls like that. Jenny reminds me A LOT of one an ex-girlfriend that I have. More about that later. When they get home, Tim's pissed about having to leave, especially since Jenny's only explanation is that she "felt weird." No, she felt Marina. Jenny drops to her knees and starts in on the oral pleasures. Man, this show has more straight sex than most straight shows.

BossyBette wants to know why Kit's not at her gig, but before she can explain, ScreenwriterGuy pops in saying that he didn't know Kit was BossyBette's sister. They're half sisters. He doesn't care. He wants to talk to Kit about a soundtrack he's putting together. Kit's ready to pass up on the offer to talk to BossyBette, but BB assures her that it's okay.

Tim and Jenny have more sex.

The Donor Party is winding down. Tina and BossyBette reflect on the evening's rejections. Smoothie says that it's not them, it's "the new male" saying that he's more spiritual than the old male and "totally cares what becomes of his seed." TLLH mocks Smoothie's wisdom. Dana says that's what they teach at hairdresser school. Smoothie's a hairdresser? But her hair... is so... an entity. Sigh. BossyBette is sad that men are no longer beasts who will jerk off for any given reason. Smoothie leaves with blonde tattooed chick. Harrison leans on Dana, but she shoves him off, telling him that they can go back to being gay now that the party is over.

Part Two.