the one with all the sex

Aaaaand, we’re back!

Jenny’s sleeping in the cushy bay window of her Garage Studio Office. I’ll bet Tim just threw a blanket and some pillows up there and then told her he just invented the bed. Tim wakes her up, asking how long she’s been out there. She claims that she came out at three in the morning to write because she couldn’t sleep. What she doesn’t tell him is that she was writing Buffy/Faith fan fiction based on the previous night’s events. Tim tells her that it’ll just take her some time to find her groove. Little does he know, she already found her groove and she got it on with Marina. He hops up next to her, asking why she freaked out last night. She blames the liquor. They always do.

Tina and Dana are at the gym taking a spin class. This scene totally reminds me of that scene in Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion when they’re at the gym in a spin class and Lisa Kudrow’s talking about word problems: “There’s a guy in a rowboat going X miles and the current is going, like, some other miles... how long does it take him to get to town? And it’s like, who cares? I mean, who wants to go to town with a guy who drives a rowboat?” But this scene isn’t about world problems. It’s about sperm problems. The spin instructor asks the class what they want out of the next forty minutes. Dana mutters that she’d like to see her boobies. Tina tells her to go for it. Dana says it’s useless because the woman is obviously straight since she’s attracted to her. Every woman she’s attracted to is either unavailable or straight. Spin Nazi cracks the whip at Dana.

Jenny’s at The Planet. She runs into Tina, who invites her to join the rest of the gang at a table. Jenny says she’ll just go home and make a sandwich. Because she just came in to get some ideas. “So, you put the turkey on the bread... with mustard? Amazing!” But then she caves and we cut to her yakkity yakking about some writing class. Everyone looks like they want to stick a fork in their eye. TLLH offers a few suggestions about writing and good resources. One of them is UCLA. I wouldn’t trust them. They let people who can’t act into their drama department. Except this one girl I knew, who lied on her application, saying she was a Featured Extra, when she really wasn’t. Why anyone would lie about being a featured extra is beyond me. Anyway, they didn’t let her in. So maybe they are okay. But Jenny’s not into the school vibe. TLLH mentions that Marina has a reading group. Three seconds into the Marina/Jenny flirt fest, everyone else makes excuses to leave the two alone and skedaddles out the door. Marina asks if she upset Jenny at the party, but apparently she didn’t. Jenny’s just not... not... “ A big coffee drinker?” laughingly suggests Marina. Jenny can’t bring herself to say that she’s not Of The Gay... well, probably because she is, but we don’t know that yet. She suddenly needs to leave because Tim will b e home at five. Marina points out
that it’s only two o’clock. But Jenny wants to be there when he calls. I’ll bet he never calls. Silly straight man. Actually, I like Tim. A lot. Even if he does embellish the descriptions of his labors. Marina offers to walk Jenny to her car. I’m tellin’ you, Marina’s a PRO. Jenny’s embarrassed by Tim’s muscle car, but Marina thinks it’s sexy and invites Jenny to Radar. It’s a “special” night they do at The Planet on Tuesdays. Jenny declines, but Marina encourages her to come and to call if she changes her mind. Then she totally flaunts her ass on her way back into the café. I’m telling you. Pro.Fessional. In fact, she’s so good, she’s ProRina.

Tina and BossyBette are talking to Jean Paul, who looks to be a sculptor type. He says he’s totally willing to donate his seed, since he must have children all over the world, so what would one more matter? He asks to see the contract, and if they’d rather do it at his place or theirs. BossyBette says she can just drop off a cup and he can fill it at his leisure. Wait, cup? “What is this cup?” Jean Paul is confused. He only makes babies the “man and a woman” way. Although, he’s liberal, saying that if they’d like it to be “all three, that would be fine.” They say no. It has to be the cup. Jean Paul won’t bring any baby into the world that is not conceived by “the passionate urphmg errrmg.” His words, not mine. Sorry, pal. As they leave he shouts, “Hey, ze penis, ze pussy, ze baby!” That’s totally the title of my new Broadway musical.

The Planet. The Gang is laughing it up over my new musical. Everyone except Tina. She’s sad. BossyBette tells her to have a sense of humor, but Tina’s not into it and says that Bette will have to take care of that for the both of them. BossyBette gets all peeved and leaves. She’s not used to being bossed around.

Other Coach AKA Randy and Tim are working out some swim team details. Or else they’re just talking about girls. Whatever. Jenny enters, all sexified, saying she’s just going out for a while, but she won’t be late. Randy asks where she’s going and why Tim’s letting her go alone. Tim says she going to a “special party” at The Planet and then he wants her to get out of the house because she’s a recluse. OH man. Remember that ex I told you about? Same deal. When she was with her boyfriend, she never really went out and then when she started going out... trouble. Starts with a Capital T. Ends with WDK. But we’ll get to that. Ahem.

The Planet. Or Radar. You know, the “special” night. Ladies, ladies everywhere. Jenny notices that, too. ProRina is all “oh yeah, Radar is a woman’s bar”as if it totally slipped her mind. But she thought Jenny would like it. Someone comments that some chick is hot. Kit’s spinnin’ bitchin’ tracks on the turntables. ProRina says that Kit does a poetry night that Jenny might enjoy. The hot chick approaches, says hi to Dana, but then kisses Smoothie and they head off to play pool. Dana’s pissed that Smoothie gets all the chicks and wants to know what she has that Dana doesn’t. TLLH thinks it’s attitude, Tina says confidence, Dana says “it’s because she’s so stupid and stupid people are too dumb to be insecure.” TLLH scolds her for talking shit about a friend. And, hey, why is Dana all gay in Jenny’s presense. I mean, she is one half of the geeky straight couple. Tina jumps back on the confidence train saying that Smoothie has “nipple confidence.” Everyone revels in that observation. Jenny awkwardly looks around because she doesn’t have nipple confidence. TLLH wonders if she can sell a story on L.A.’s best nipples. Tina loves that. Jenny says she wants to wander around for a bit. Probably to check out all the nipples. She passes by an extra who looks like she’s wearing the top half of Ephiny’s costume from Xena. Then again, it is WeHo, so it’s totally possible. And I’m a huge geek. A huge gay geek. A random hot chick hits on Jenny, but she says, “no, thank you” and runs out of the club.

The next day. Jenny’s at work at Laurelwood Farms Market. Damn her! She did get that job. Whore. The Laurelwood uniform is this fabulous red and white gingham shirt and a green apron. And I’m sure she’s wearing pants, too. She proudly presents a customer with his receipt. Cashier Guy wants to know if she likes living there, despite there being “a lot of homos and stuff” and aren’t “they always checking out [her] boyfriend and stuff?” Jenny doesn’t really get a chance to respond because she has another customer. It’s ProRina. Like we didn’t see that one coming. She sets the basket on the counter and says, “Come on, I wanna see you check me out.” Hee. gives her a cute smile and apologizes for skipping out on her. She feels silly about it and figures she “just freaked out, not because it was a gay bar... but because [she] absolutely no idea what [she] was doing there.” Oh. I thought she went because she thinks ProRina’s hot shit and wants to do her in the bathroom stall. But I guess I was wrong. ProRina’s total is $54.05. Holy crap. And she only had, like, half a hand basket of stuff. She says she hopes they over pay their employees as much as they overcharge the customer and then invites Jenny to her reading group. Jenny needs to check with Tim. Surprise, surprise. She asks if the reading group is a gay group. ProRina assures her that there are straight people. But she never says that there are straight people in the reading group. Sly, sly ProRina. She takes her groceries and leaves, saying, “You look cute with the little apron on.” And Jenny’s eyes are on her ass all the way out the door.

Tim and Jenny are having some kind of crazy hetero pot luck. A woman invites them to join their monthly card game, which is tomorrow night. Tim says Jenny cheats, and she spends the next thrity seconds telling everyone that she is not a cheater. Oh, the foreshadowing! Jenny says she can’t go because she has her reading group. Tim asks her to cancel. She says she committed. He asks her to “uncommit” and that it’s not a big deal. Hmm... I wonder where this relationship is going? She finally agrees that she can skip out on the group, but he tell her to go. I hate that. Why even ask if you’re just going to do that?

BossyBette and Tina’s House-O-Monogamy. BossyBette’s home early and wants to spend time with Tina. But Tina has a life and is heading out to the gym since she wasn’t expecting BossyBette to be home. Tina leaves BB to pout.

ProRina’s place. Jenny’s all ecstatic jibber jabber about the group as she and ProRina walk out to ProRina’s car. ProRina suggests that Jenny read one of her stories next time, but Jenny’s not so sure. ProRina tells her that she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do. Mmm hmm.

Crazy naked boobie bathroom at the gym. The Spin Nazi approaches Tina, saying she’s got great definition and starts touching her all over her naked back. James Marsters touched my naked back once. Ask me about it at the next office party. Anyway, Spin Nazi weirds Tina out and she decides to leave, but not before Spin Nazi informs her that she’s seeing “private clients very selectively” if she’s interested. Eee!

ProRina’s dropping Jenny off at home. She tells Jenny to “have sweet dreams” and Jenny stares at her for what seems like for-e-ver and then finally gets out of the car.

Tina’s home, but BossyBette’s already crashed out in the big white bed. The next day, BossyBette tells her that if she really wants to go back to see Dan (Dan, Stan, it’s all the same) Foxworthy, it’s okay by her. Tina says she’ll make the appointment whenever BB’s free. BB tells her to just make the appointment and let her know. “Tomorrow at 3:15.” Crap. BB wasn’t ready for that. Tina was gonna go alone, but she’d rather BB went with her. BossyBette is mad that someone in the universe made a decision without her.

Tim and Jenny are out at some swanky restaurant, fawning all over each other. Randy and Ms. Randy comment on how adorable they are. And, uh oh, here comes trouble. The Gang is here. Including ProRina. She waves to Tim and Jenny. Randy raves about how hot she is, “She doesn’t really look like she’s gay... she’s not gay, is she?” Jenny utters that she has no idea and the downs a glass of wine. Randy deduces that ProRina and TLLH must be together and that TLLH is cute. Ms. Randy prefers Smoothie because she “looks like a rock star.” See? ProRina heads toward the ladies’ room and Jenny’s not far behind. She storms into the bathroom, demanding to know what ProRina’s doing there in a public place at a separate table with her own group of friends. In the words of Britney... Outrageous! Jenny finds ProRina’s presence “very distracting” then tell her that she’d like to see her again. ProRina makes a move to kiss her, but Jenny pushes her away. Good lord.

The Office Garage Studio that Tim Built. Jenny’s writing. Tim’s got coffee. He reads over her shoulder for a moment, but she gets offended, so he leaves. She follows him into the house and apologizes, saying that she’s tense because she’s not quite sure why she’s in there. Tim doesn’t understand because she seems to be making friends in her fancy schmancy reading group. They make up, but the phone rings. It’s ProRina. They’re going to have dinner on Saturday. Jenny offers to call back and cancel, but Tim has a basketball game so he tells her to go. She thanks him and then disappears back out into the OGStTB.

Dr. MBaR’s office. BossyBette’s late, again. But this time she has a good reason. She’s found a perfect donor, Marcus Allenwood. But Tina’s never met him. That’s okay, she’ll meet him tomorrow when she takes him to the CryoSperm place.

Next thing Tina knows she’s opening the front door to Marcus Allenwood to take him to the CryoSperm place. Marcus Allenwood is a big black man. Tina stammers about needs something from the bedroom and then they’ll leave for the sperm place. Marcus asks if BossyBette told her he was a big black man. Tina says no, but it doesn’t matter. Even though she’s about to have a nervous breakdown. They go to the CryoSperm place where the receptionist hands Marcus Allenwood a cup, saying there’s magazines for “encouragement” in the back. As he leave to make his “deposit” she whispers to Tina that she’s making a pretty big decision. Tina agrees. I mean, he’s a big black man! Oh my god! But the receptionist is actually focusing on the BIG part. Because big men make big babies, which means Tina’s probably looking at a C section delivery.

The Planet at closing time. BossyBette’s come to check in with her woman because TLLH left her an urgent message. Tina wants to know why BB didn’t tell her that Allen Marcuswood was a big black man. BB didn’t think it would be a problem. Tina just thinks they should have discussed it because she wasn’t prepared. BB tells her that they did discuss it earlier, that since Tina’s carrying the baby and African American donor would make it more like “their” baby. Except that BossyBette’s biracial. So a biracial donor would be what would make sense. But those are just insignificant details to BB.

Dr. MBaR explains that Tina’s reaction to Woody Allenmarcus comes across as a rejection of BossyBette’s identity. And the way the frame is paused right now makes Tina look like she’s really high. I’m sure she wishes she was high. She says she loves BossyBette, but she wasn’t ready to how she would react. Dr. MBaR and BossyBette realize that this could mean they’re not ready to have a kid together.

The OGStTB. Tim’s reading Jenny’s work. It sounds pretty dark. Tim thinks so, too. But he thinks she’s brilliant. Aw. See? Tim’s a cool guy. They exchange lovey couple talk and then he leaves, saying he needs to pick something up.

BossyBette finds something in the bathroom trash. Tina’s sitting on the porch, talking to TLLH on the phone. BB heads out to the car, telling Tina she doesn’t need to come to her art talk at the gallery and then gets into the car. Tina tells TLLH that she can’t go out with them because she’s going to BB’s art thing.

Kit’s giving BossyBette some sisterly advice, saying that Tina doesn’t see BB as a black woman, but rather as the woman she loves. Whatever Kit has to say, BB doesn’t want to hear it and she attempts to walk out. Kit stops her, saying that she’s the one who always runs away, but BB needs to not follow her example. She tells BB that the one thing that connects all of them is Love. OH. THAT “L” word. BB cries.

Milk. I don’t know, it’s some “women’s bar.” Dana and TLLH argue about which one of them was supposed to call Smoothie.

Tina’s watching BossyBette’s art talk. A Hot Art Guy starts telling Tina how hot her girlfriend is and how they make a really beautiful couple.

Dana’s scoping out hotties at the bar. Whatever girl she’s pointed out has been with two of TLLH’s exes.

Jenny and ProRina are up on a rooftop somewhere. ProRina says she comes up there when she can’t sleep. Or when she’s seducing bi-curious women. They kiss.

The Art Talk Reception. Hot Art Guy is still hitting on BossyBette and Tina, saying that they’re “so fuckin’ sexy.” He offers to get them a drink. They decline. But after he leaves, BossyBette drags Tina around a corner and pitches her some hair-brained scheme to have sex with the guy.

Smoothie made it to the bar after all. Dana says that some girl isn’t her type because “it looks like she’s been around the block a few times.” Smoothie wants to know what’s wrong with that. TLLH spots a new girl she hasn’t seen before. Smoothie calls her “Fresh Meat,” TLLH opts for “New Blood,” and Dana says she’s “Cris-py.” Bwaha!

BossyBette and Tina are followed home by Hot Art Guy on a Motorbike.

ProRina and Jenny are (finally!) in bed, getting naked and doing the lesbian tango. And they... they’re... [minutes pass] Ahem. I’m sorry, what? Er... oh right... so they’re having all The Sex and Jenny’s covering her eyes like they might just shoot out of her head and bounce off the ceiling and I’m realizing just how long it’s been since I’ve had sex and if anyone wants to go out my email’s at the top of the page. Aw, but Jenny’s crying. She’s sad because I haven’t had sex is so long, too. Sweet girl, that Jenny.

BossyBette and Tina’s House of Monogamy Plus One. They’re all undressing each other and Hot Art Guy’s all into the chicks getting it on with each other. This scene just makes me want to go to the kitchen and make a sandwich. Like Ross in that FRIENDS episode where it’s the way things could have been and he never got divorced and he has the threesome with Carol and Susan, but he didn’t get to do much because Susan kept kicking him away. Hot Art Guy whips out a condom and the lesbians are all, “What’s that?” as if they’ve never seen one before. They tell him that they don’t want him to use it. And wham, bam, no thank you ma’am, he gets the picture and asks, “Why is it every time dykes want to have sex with a guy, it’s only because they want to steal his sperm?” Well, see, lesbians generally don’t have sex with men, so if they wanted to... there must be a reason. But that might just be some crazy idea on my part. He races away on his motorbike. Oh, but he got dressed first.

Dana and TLLH are walking down the street, not sure what to do next. TLLH offers that they could go to her place. Dana gives her a funny look and TLLH says, “Oh please, I am not that desperate.” Dana says she isn’t either. They agree to never have sex with each other.

BossyBette and Tina mull over their crazy ass threesome pregnancy plan. BB asks if Tina was turned on by Hot Art Guy with a Motorbike. She says no. And then she starts touching BB’s naughty bits, which leads to panting. Tina says that’s what turns her on.

Jenny’s back from her rooftop rendevous. She quietly enters the house and starts crying in the living room. She pulls herself together as Tim sleepily calls for her from the bedroom. She says she’s coming. Well, she was earlier. She slips into the bedroom, takes off her clothes and climbs into bed next to Tim. He snuggles up to her and says she smells different. Damn, he can smell the gay on her. She claims it’s a new perfume. He says he likes the old one better. She kisses his hand and silently cries.

TLLH’s Humble Abode. TLLH says that whatever they are about to do will be fun. Dana states that she’s only been with two girls her whole life, but if TLLH talks, she’ll have to kill her. “Don’t worry, your reputation as a stud is safe with me.” I heart TLLH. TLLH writes Dana’s name on a piece of paper, then asks who the first girl was. Dana says it was a counselor at tennis camp, but she can’t tell her the name because she’s famous. TLLH rolls her eyes and moves on to girl number two, which is someone named Melanie and TLLH is all excited because she “knew it!” Then TLLH says she’s going to link Dana to herself. Melanie slept with Heather who slept with Brooke who slept with Nina who slept with TLLH. They’re four sex degrees away from each other. It’s like Kevin Bacon, but with lesbians. Dana throws out Tina and TLLH. That’s easy because TLLH’s slept with BossyBette. Dana writes down someone named Mandy who TLLH linked directly to Smoothie. We see a bigger, more detailed version of this chart on the wall behind TLLH. Smoothie’s name is outlined in red and connected to a heckuva lot of girls.

Close up of girl on girl tongue kissage. BossyBette and Tina are having all The Sex, sans Hot Art Guy with a Motorbike. Again... my email’s on the webpage. Now, they say all these sex scenes are totally choreographed, but dammit they look real. I wonder how you get a job as a sex choreographer.

Tim’s making breakfast. Jenny’s shocked by the memory of The ProRina Experience.

Smoothie’s walking past BossyBette and Tina’s. She can tell that they’ve had a night of The Pleasure and that gives her hope. Her shirt is totally overriding the hair this morning. It’s like pleather and shoestring, and there was only enough material to make the front. She leaves the Monogamous Lovebirds alone. And weird ass shirt or not, Smoothie’s one hot hottie.

And, oh crap, there’s an engagement ring in Jenny’s breakfast.