Alien Fury (2000)
Starring...Dale Midkiff, Stephen Tobolowsky, Kelly Perine and Chyna
Directed by...Rob Hedden
My Rating:
What do you call a film that starts off good, and for the first stays on that path, then goes from bad, to worse, to downright stupid? Why you call it ALIEN FURY!!! And a film that has the washed up wrestler CHYNA sporting the cover should tell you how bad this film really is. I watched it on SCI-FI today and I wish I just went back upstairs and did something else. The film doesn't even SHOW ONE FUCKING ALIEN!!! And the film once again, the writer seemed to follow the "we have to have the 13 plot twists" road and include 13 twists that make the film even stupider.
It starts off with a satellite being blown up then continues with Chyna chasing this guy through a parking garage, she ends up catching him by closing the garage door on his legs. She then kills him and the film begins. So the story goes like this, S.T.R.A.W. (don't ask me what it stands for because quite frankly, I couldn't give a sweet fuck) is being shut down by B.J. McQueen, the defense attorney for the USA. Bill Templer tries to keep it open but can't until the final photo from the satellite appears and shows that there are armed space ships on the moon. The film goes on like this and then it is exposed as a hoax, (hence the film beginning to go downhill) there is a detective trying to figure out what happened to the guy who was killed the other night (yeah, the last person to confuse Chyna for a walking ape)
The film goes on and the twists continue to ruin this film. Had they just kept to a simpler story and made the film actually DECENT, it would have been better. The only reason I am not condemning it to hell is because I did enjoy the first half and a couple of the characters were entertaining, especially the real estate agent.
The gore is lamer then shit, and I mean lame, the autopsy looks extremely fake and the fight scenes...oh God....I can see WHY they canned Chyna from the WWF, she sucked!!! No nudity folks...but what else do you expect? ITS A TV MOVIE!?!?!?
I say, this film is not worth the money to rent, but if you have nothing else on (and I mean absolutely nothing!) then check your local listings for it and watch it by yourself (not to be scared, but so you won't be made fun of in the morning) and is it just me? Or when you have such a high security house....you would think that 2114 wouldn't be the password into getting in side the house....more like a 34 digit code with a breathalyzer test!
Special Guest Reviewers:
George Newman
"It's like I always say...never trust a man who comes to work in a skin tight scuba suit! NEVER trust them..."