Boa
Starring...Dean Cain
My rating:
Dean Cain must really be hurting after Lois and Clark went off the air to star in this Jurassic Park rip off. This film I actually thought had some potential to be good...see that snake on the cover, yeah, look at that detail...must be where the budget went because every shot of the stupid snake was at a distance and UNDETAILED! WORST DEATHS I HAVE SEEN IN A SNAKE MOVIE! Fuck, I would rather sit through Spiders again then have to deal with this piece of shit!
New Alcatraz, in the middle of Antarctica, is being developed to house the worlds most deadliest criminals. Still building it yet they have 6 occupants already, now I have never been in prison but I know for a fact I heard that prisoners don't get anything that they could use as a weapon, am I correct in saying that? Well, apparently someone forgot that when he gave the fucking PRISONERS METAL FORKS! And also, since when do they have male prisoners come in contact with female prisoners? And it is apparent that the criminals could take the warden and his 4 security men,, and 2 engineers. ALSO! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY GET THE PRISONERS INTO THE PLACE IF ONLY ONE MAN HAS THE KEY TO GETTING IN OR OUT AND IT ISN'T THE WARDEN?!?! Hmmm Another plot hole! This film is riddled with them, then we have DEAN CAIN who I still have no fucking clue why they brought him there, they "supposedly" bring him and his wife, who are palentologists with a site bout to be shut down, to the prison because they wrote a book on reptiles (JURASSIC PARK ANYONE???) This film goes from bad to worse, the snake of course kills almost everyone except for DEAN CAIN AND HIS WIFE, all the prisoners, all the guards, the warden, and every other character they could throw in, hell, I am surprised Santa Clause wasn't falling into the mixture. They end up of course getting to the airplane just in the nick of time but whats this, to much payload...why it couldn't be the snake who we left in the jail but now has a GIANT FUCKING HOLE TO GET TO THE OUTSIDE WITH! NO they wouldn't be that dumb and predictable...or are they....
. . .They are.
They end up, get this, tieing a parachute to the snakes tail, opening the hatch, and the only other prisoner to actually live who you want to live, OF COURSE! Dies, and since it was once again shot at such a far angle, why, you need a magnifying glass to see the little CGI man falling from the snakes tail. Then they just end the gay film, I didn't get my 1.24 credit for not returning this crapfest last night and I feel like putting a gun in my mouth!
I say, please stay away from any film that looks, sounds, feels, and or looks like BOA. My God, there are so many fucking plot holes in this thing, I could swear a 5 year old wrote it. Also, this is a question to Blockbuster, why, on the box does it say, YRV (Youth Restricted Viewing) when there was barely any blood, no sex, and no graphic deaths? And yet, a film like American Psycho, you just have it listed as "R"??? Do you people have ANY IDEA what is in these films or do you just go by the pretty fucking pictures on the backs of the boxes?