Children of the Living Dead
My Rating:
That's right, this movie was SO bad, it doesn't even get a fading skull. This is one of the dumbest movies I have seen in a dogs age. And to think that Tom Savini even had anything to do with this drek, it boggles the mind. I mean first off, never mind the shitty acting, no storyline and the shitty make up job. But they using fucking cap guns...like the ones you buy at OscoDrug or Walgreens!!! Not even with smoke cartridges!!! Well, here is the sad story that I must relay to you....May God have mercy upon us all.
Ok, it opens up with a bunch of hicks shooting zombies in a open plain field. Tom Savini plays a ex cop who is out killing zombies. Now, I swear, to save money, they did voice- overs none stop for Savini. Half the shit he says, his lips never move, so I had to spend the first 15 minutes of the movie trying to figure out if it was a badly dubbed Japanese movie or some shit. Well, they end up wiping out all the zombies then Savini and his chickenshit partner, go into this farm house where we see some more bad acting, and see the only zombie to actually have a somewhat decent make-up job. Well, they rescue these kids and Tom decides to go upstairs into the attic. Where he does some cool stunts and then gets his ass killed by Abbot Hayes, the HEAD zombie. The chicken shit partner is forced to shoot Tom so he wont turn and then it goes 14 years in advance. We have 5 teens driving to a concert and then mention how they left one of them behind because she had to work. Well to sum up a 10 minute scene of headache inducing acting, they all get killed when Abbot walks into the road and the little toy hot wheels is shown flying off the mountain side. Now we jump another year in advance (does this movie sound like they had any fucking clue upon what they were doing???) So now that like 27 minutes have passed, and still no sign of a story, we are introduced to the MAIN Character. He is now making the old Abbot place into a car dealer ship or that is what I think. Although they never tear it down instead build on the graveyard. Well, Abbot looks like that creature from SubSpecies, that full moon picture film. This film has no fucking plot and it gets worse as it goes on. We have Abbot Hayes who walks during the day but hurt by the ever so powerful "Flashlight", no this isn't a high powered one, it's one of those regular ones you probably have lying around in your house. Abbot also walks like he is dancing, they never explain why he can't be hurt, why when Tom shoots him in the neck, he keeps coming, he just does because he is Abbot fucking Hayes. Also, this is a zombie film where they HIDE THE GORE, yes folks, the executive producer of Nightmare On Elm Street is hiding the gore from us. To bad they never hid the film from our stores. This film was so bad, it made me sick the whole fucking night. Like food poisoning or eating my mothers Tuna Casserole.....::shudders:: I was looking forward to this film, I will say this, and I think we all need to give them credit, the trailers for these shitty films are so good, I would rather watch the trailer then watch the movie. And sadly, they leave this film open for a sequel for they never fucking kill Abbot Hayes. OH YEAH! Since when does a town with only a sheriff as the law, carry a shitload of shotguns, hand guns, dynamite, and a flamethrower when he is the only one there???
I say, avoid this piece of shit. Tom Savini...buddy, you need to go and do something with an actual script. Not something some moron thought up while stoned looking at his own shit. My God....George...do you have any comments???
Special Guest Reviewers
George Newman
"OH MY GOD! THIS MOVIE WAS SO AWFUL I HAD TO CALL IN MY UNCLE TO GIVE YOU THE STRAIGHT OUT TRUTH!!!!"
Drill Sergeant Hartman
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MOVIES MAJOR MALFUNCTION!?!? I CAN'T HEAR YOU YOU SLIMY PIECE OF SHIT!? SOUND OFF LIKE YOU GOT A PAIR!?!? IF I EVER SEE ANOTHER PIECE OF SHIT FILM LIKE THIS! I SWEAR I WILL RIP YOU A NEW ASSHOLE YOU UNDERSTAND ME PRIVATE INCHWORM!?!?!? I CAN"T HEAR YOU!"