...Scatman John? His weird, mid-90s style of half-rapping, half-gibbering was brilliant - even if his only two songs (Scatman and Scatman's World) didn't do so well.

The question still remains, though, what is a Scatman? And how did a song whose chorus is (and I quote): 'Be-bop-a-bodda-bum' get the go ahead? Mysteries...

This recent discussion of an ultimate 'Ziners list - well, I already have one. I've been compiling it for a while. For your pleasure, I've put it online at http://zap.to/megazine.

I assure you that I'm selling nothing, and there are no adverts. Just take a look - and I'll be updating regularly.

I've had five letters printed, but none on Page One... yet.

Forget your 42, I have conclusive evidence that 37 is the meaning of life.

37, when reversed is, 73. When you add 1 to this number, you get 74. And 74, if you care to notice, is double 37. I challenge any 'Ziner to find another number where this is true. I rest my case.

W;W - I rea;;y hate it when I hit the damned semico;on key instead of the L!

I am pleased to inform you that your map of Cyprus has earned you the official title of Teletext Cartographer of the Year. However, before this can be verified, the panel of judges would like to see maps of the following: Chile, Norway, Namibia, Thailand and San Marino.

Failure to complete these will result in you title being passed down to... erm... whoever who draws the maps used for the weather. You have been warned!

Broccoli the most insane 'Ziner? Why, I'm Insane Jam Sow. Surely that makes me the most insane? I'm completely mad!

Actually, wait. I'm not. Come to think of it, I'm relatively stable compared to some 'Ziners. Maybe I should be Sensible Jam Sow... although that doesn't have quite the same ring to it. Oh, well.

The numbers that scroll round before reaching 'Zine are the sub-pages of Teletext quiz, Bamboozle.

Incidentally, my conclusive investigation shows that by quickly pressing each coloured button before the numbers can scroll round on the aforementioned quiz, you can see which option leads to a different page from the other three, and is therefore the right answer.

I have far too much spare time.

The 6 greatest TV shows (with reasons why):

6. The Mole (Channel 5 but absorbing)
5. Frasier (Predictable yet witty)
4. Sailor Moon (Confusing anime)
3. The Crystal Maze (Richard O'Brien)
2. The Dukes of Hazzard (Cars! Jumps! Rosco!)
1. The Simpsons (Need I say more?)

Controversial but fair, I feel.

...other, more frequent 'Ziners.

Bradders the Boomtown Rat: Gutless Wonder
Hushabye Brightwig: Fluffy the Evil One
R:E-member: Parsley Possum
The Dreamaster: Sir Whence Pitchfork
I: Me

I was going to send a message bemoaning the impending season of exams, but then I realised that by the time it would be printed, I would already have sat a sizeable number, thereby making the sentiment of the message utterly irrelevant.

So, instead, I'm going to write on an entirely different subject. How about: should pages of the 'Zine have more space?

The uprising of so many people wishing to say 'Zyne instead of 'Zeen is worrying. Do these people read magazynes, I wonder? And since Mega-zine is, it seems, a play on the word magazine, why is there a question?

The more pressing issue is whether I'm allowed to write Megazine, rather than Mega-zine. WLW?

Based on anagrams of names, here's what I think various 'Ziners' jobs are:

Fluffy the Evil One: Lo, huffy feline vet
Parsley Possum: Spurs spy - a mole
The Brigadier: I, a brighter ed
Davord, Lord of Tharg: Dr of Gold to Harvard

How close am I?

I don't like it. Really, I don't. I think it's pretentious nonsense, devoid of any entertainment value. It has boring contestants, and a boring presenter.

And yet, because Mega-zine refuses to update until around 3:25, I always find myself watching it! Yes - it's Watercolour Challenge! Thank you very much, WLW!

According to my Geography textbook, analysing, evaluating and interpreting the data is the "dangerous" part of an investigation.

As a friend pointed out, you could stab yourself with a compass while drawing a pie chart, but just what else could pose an immediate threat to your existence? Silly geographers!

It's rather odd, isn't it? What with the ice-creams, pasties, wind and rain (in October, anyway).

Take St Ives. I came across a road called Teetotal Street! Fantastic for those of us destined to a life of sobriety. I didn't meet that man with seven wives, though. A shame, as I'd have given him a good telling off for keeping cats in sacks!

How come you never make use of this Teletextual function, WLW? You could hide lots of secret jokes and illustrations in people's letters. Perhaps you already do! I should start looking.

Anyway, how about making me the first 'Ziner to have something hidden in a message? Oh, go on.

May I be the first letter on our new, post-revamp page? Please?

Sut dach chi, WLW? I now get this channel free, and what fun it is! The Welsh language is truly something. I've been enjoying the inexplicable soap, Pobol Y Cwm, and the informative, if confusing to the English-speaker, Welsh in a Week.

The day's events are also far more interesting on Newyddion 6 than the English news. It's a guilty pleasure really - looking in on a very familiar, yet oddly different, kind of world.

Apparently, you know, 83% of statistics are made up on the spot!

Hey, WLW, did you know... oh, never mind. It wasn't funny.

I feel this name is being grossly misused. For one thing, it never appears on one particular page - presumably, for a "corner", it should be Page 8.

For another, calling some of the submissions (mine regretfully included) poetry is being a tad generous. I think it should be known as the Verse Page, or the I'm-new-please-print-me Page.

It's been a while since someone sent one of these letters, so here we go. I'm going to lament long-lost 'Ziners, including Parsley Possum, She Who Lost The Plot, Karma Policewoman, and yes, even Jarvis T. Raven.

I wonder what happens to those who grow up and move on? Do you think they start to lead normal, Teletext-free lives, or do you think they all just run out of ideas?

WLW, the round toys that used to nearly choke you were Tazos, and not Pogs. We had to fork out £1 a packet for Pogs, I'll have you know - no freebies in crisps!

What I didn't get was why they expected you to get your nice new Pogs, and then ruin them by throwing a lump of plastic at them! All that did was leave a gash on them - the game was rubbish!

Tell me, WLW, is it still possible to send things in through the post? Since you started showing the e-mail address on page one, I haven't seen any mention of the old ink-on-paper version.

Not that I've ever sent anything in that way, but I do think you discriminate against the computer-less if this is the case! How about an answerphone service?

I bought this massive folder in Brussels last year, with slots for every euro from each participating country - they have different designs on the backs, you see.

So, I have a full set of France and Germany, and a few others, but how am I supposed to get all the Finnish ones? Don't tell me I have to go there! WLW, will you got to Finland for me, and send be back some money?

I logged onto my county council's website today, only to find myself greeted with the words "worcesterhire.org".

Naturally, I was thrilled at the prospect of hiring Worcester for the day! I propose we have a big 'Zine party there, and trash the place! I wonder how much it'd cost? If we all clubbed together...

Today's news: a wild badger goes on the rampage in Evesham. At the same time, GCSE English exam papers go missing en route to "a school in the Midlands".

I can't be the only one to have put two and two together! The badgers are clearly feeling exam pressure, too! Now, if only they'd go after my AS Geography papers...

So, what do you reckon. Shall I have "Delhi Bazaar" yellow, or something more traditional. I mean, do you think purple would be a bit much for a male?

I'm going for minimalism - just my bed, TV, wardrobe, drawers, bookshelf, computer, radio, games console... where was I? Ah, yes. Yellow or purple? Or perhaps I can have both!

I bought a new bin, but it's smaller than my old one. How do I throw out the old one now?!

History - it's just one thing after another.

The reason I'm rubbish at Poetry Corner
Is dear old WLW.
Can you think of a rhyme for this curious name?
Now there's a problem to trouble you...

What's the deal with this glorified improvisation? I could do that if someone gave me a trumpet and a captive audience! Music indeed.

On the plus side, an excellent word in Scrabble - no wait, you'd need a blank tile to be one of the Zs. It's even rubbish there! How awful!

One 'Ziner announces they are just about to start secondary school, and I begin to wonder, am I past it? I've been around since early '86, and it seems like I've been reading 'Zine forever!

I'll have my walking stick and false teeth, soon! Please, can I have some older 'Ziners reassuring me that there's hope for me yet? Is there someone left to call me a young whippersnapper?

1. Missing/misplaced apostrophes
2. Unnecessary apostrophes
3. Lack of commas round a clause
4. Using "which" instead of "that"
5. Ending sentences with prepositions
6. Lack of accents on foreign words
7. Using multiple exclamation marks
8. Abuse of the colon and semicolon

I've found the most addictive sugary thing ever: a certain sweet with a hole, but no mint in sight. It's the citrus flavour that I crave! I admit, they're a weird consistency, and they do leave this chemical taste in your mouth afterwards. In fact, I'd go so far as to say, overall, they taste pretty vile.

But then why can't I stop eating them?

Ah, another 'Ziner has declared her love for me - at least I assume it's a her, from the spooneristic pseudonym of Jush Lugs.

Flattered as I am, I'm afraid I love the life of a singleton more than I could any other 'Ziner. These things never work out, and you know, 'Zine isn't a dating agency! Much better to use the personal ad pages, or something.

I wholeheartedly agree with WLW - this romantic nonsense must stop. It is impossible to fancy someone you only know through letters! Whole personas could be false! 'Zine relationships could be based on lies!

There, that's my scaremongering done. And it's not because I'm bitter and lonely. Oh, wait... I am bitter and lonely. I think I'm going to go and eat a bucket of ice-cream now.

Man goes in a pub... mangoes? What are they doing there?

Found underneath the cushions:

- 16p in change
- A Twix wrapper
- Lots of fluff. No, really. Loads
- A dead rat
- The cleaner we thought they'd fired

The ring doughnut - why? Why is there a bit missing? That could have been perfectly good doughnut where that hole is.

I think we should boycott them and stick with jam doughnuts. They've got it right with that one - something to look forward to in the middle. Even if it does mean you end up in a sticky mess. Really sticky. Actually, scrap doughnuts - stick with an apple, I would.

Isn't it apt how Blazin' Squad fans have BS all over their hooded tops?

Why is it that it's never just one Polo that breaks, but always the whole tube?

WLW, what have you done? By taking nearly two weeks off over Christmas and New Year - and they say teachers get long holidays - you left a nation of disaffected youths with no outlet for their ramblings!

How many 'Ziners do you think resorted to B*ckch*t? Eh? The Eds must have been privately laughing to themselves! Do you want Mega-zine to go the way of Sauce?!

Scroll Lock - what does it do, exactly?

1p. It's not much, is it? In fact, if you had 1p, you wouldn't much mind giving it to me, would you? It could be my birthday present.

Now, I reckon if I can get every British person to do the same, that'll be... £600,000. Not bad for starters. I might buy you all something as well.

And you know what that means. More days spent sitting alone in the gloom, hiding from the evil skin-burning UV rays, while children outside frolic and play and do the one thing that annoys me most: have fun. Then at night it's on with my cape and out to suck the blood of...

Oh, hang on, that's Count Dracula. I love the summer, really. Yes.