Dude... I've really started slacking on this entire update thing... it's jessica's fault! We've been watching Meteor Garden for the past couple of nights. Almost pulled an all-nighter after watching a couple of episodes and then doing my accounting homework. hehe... doh... this is why usually I refuse to watch these things with jess. However, it has provided a great deal of roomate bonding that we haven't had in a while. dude... me and jess both talk like them now. it's quite amusing. If you can speak and understand mandarin, you should really watch it. It's sooooo cute. my friend's in the first couple episodes too! she's the pretty, B*tchy one =P She's really nice in person though. hehe.

So right now I'm at CAA killing time before our stuff stuffing meeting for the symposium starts up. I was originally going to go and hang out with my cousin, but she is currently hanging out with a friend. Doh.. I guess she doesn't really love me. darn. Ah wells...

I'm taking this clinical psychology class (one of the two classes I'm actually enrolled in) and we're talking about the mentally ill. And today, we were discussing the ways the mentally ill are viewed throughout history and how the predominant view of the time affects how they are treated. We were shown this clip of a Schizophrenic at the Bridgewater Mental Institute having a little "episode." He was walking along nicely at one minute, and the next he was busy talking to his "demons." He was speaking in gibberish and looked as if he were giving orders. Then he'd mumble something unclearly in English and pick up with the gibberish again. It kinda got me to thinking... what if the mentally insane aren't really insane? Perhaps they just reached a higher level of consciousness or something and could see things that we can't. As I was sitting in class, I found myself wishing that I could understand what he was saying, you know? He was speaking with such a profound purpose. In his mind, he couldn't possibly think of himself as crazy. There must have been a reason of some sort.

Ok... this next part will make you think that I'm really weird or something. But whatever, I don't care, MY website, and if you don't like it, you can go away and not come back. But it's like... what if the schizophrenic really were talking to demons? And we just couldn't see or hear them? What if he's been able to see them since he was little, and he was made king of the demons? If when he was pointing around so authoritatively, demons were actually rushing to do his bidding? that's just kind of the impression it gave me. Just the way he seemed. It was... different. Maybe at one point, he became extra-sensitive to those things the rest of us can't detect.

We were also to do a reading for this class by Szasz. It was an interesting article, especially since I've thought about it before, and her ideas (I think the author's a her) really seemed to coincide with the conjectures I came up with when I was taking Psych in highschool. She said that the mentally ill become mentally ill as an escape. It's a coping mechanism of sorts... it's not a conscious effort to go crazy, but it's involuntary. Your body just refuses to do it by going crazy.

and the interesting thing is how sometimes... life would seem so much easier if we just gave up and went crazy. No one expects anything of the fool. The fool could get away with so much and write it off as "crazy." It's no longer his fault, because he has a disorder. Nothing's really his fault... he just is. Are crazy people really crazy? maybe they're actors, putting on a show, feigning ignorance and stupidity to evade the responsibilities of life. And if they are not feigning, perhaps they are people who want to be free from the constraints of life or maybe they are geniuses. Who's to know the mind of a crazy man?

Today I woke up and went to Mommy Irene's Chinese folk dance show. Oh my... I miss dancing. just wish there was somewhere around here that I could dance. ::sigh:: I miss the performances and the costumes and the choreography... most of all... (shockingly enough) I think I miss the grueling practices the most... or more, the extreme tiredness and relaxation that overcomes you at the end of a grueling practice. anyway... good day.. I should go do hw now...

It's funny how much damage one phrase can do to your self-esteem and feeling of self-worth. I know it shouldn't bother me... but this one phrase... ::sigh::

So this semester isn't starting out as well as I had hoped. Having a few problems already... but but but... it'll get better. I'm sure.

went to my second service project today. then came home, watched meteor garden, then went to fresas' birthday, attempt 7 was killed, came home. exciting day huh?

So yesterday, I was all looking forward to our parent sleepover. kinda been struggling LONG time to get everyone together and working on stuff. So I was all happy... made chocolate covered strawberries, and was all set to make cupcakes and have a good time, when one of us decided not to come, and so had to cancel the whole thing... ::sigh:: it made me so sad... it's kinda like.. I dunno... it's frustrating... I tried so hard, and at one's whim... all destroyed. I just want a good semester. But then, if you think about it, I can't let this get me down...because if I give up, it's like... all gone to waste. I just want us all to meet. Maybe it was a bad idea to have 4 people. ::sigh:: I wish I wish... nevermind. it hurt though last night. It seemed as if it I'm trying so hard because I'm stupid and it shouldn't require so much thought, I shouldn't care so much. and the thing is... that's just the way I am... if I'm doing something, I try and do it one hundred percent. I give it my all. Every last little bit. and to think that others felt that I'm stupid or silly because I do so... makes me feel crappy, not only about myself, but makes me re-evaluate if I really want to do what I'm doing that makes people judge me like that. I know that that prolly wasn't the intent, but that's what it felt like.

You know, sense comes from two places. 1) your brain... and 2) deep inside... like your gut. and I know it's not always right.. but it just made me feel so... not good in my gut... and then today... this stupid offhand remark just threw a shadow on my entire night...

=T

well.. for a good two hours at least. I'm better now... I'm not going to let it bother me...

Funny how I'm changing, is it the facade that's changing? or really me? Who am I? what am I? what am I doing? Doesn't it matter? people can't see...

A lot of thoughts going on in my head right now... not too sure if I want to type it... maybe go back to good old ghetto handwriting for this. yeah... I think I will... bye

Wow... what a long day. I think i'm finally over the jet lag... and yeah... I was very productive today! went to 6 classes! it felt almost like highschool again! I like classes that are back to back.. then you just get in the mode for school and then you just go to school. I think I want to regress to high school. where everything was less complicated. It's funny.. in high school I didn't realize how less complicated everything was until I got to college... then it was really too late to appreciate high school.

it's also kinda funny... I mentioned a while back how wendy and I were at a bus stop and saw a bunch of high school students and althought they were only 3 years younger, they seemed soooooo young.. you know? And then now, thinking back on when I was in high school... it was just the opposite... college kids seemed soooo old. But anyway, I'm very side tracked. don't know what I'm talking about anymore. oh yes... I went to class and ooh! the symposium banner is finished! It just needs to go up on MLK! =D It looks so NICE! I'm proud of it. =D

Hm... I don't know what I've done all day... but it seemed like a really LONG day. it turns out that my legal studies class is REALLY interesting! I'm excited. Shapiro seems like a really good lecturer, and to think, I get in on accident! hehe... and I'm also enrolled in psych 130... which makes me happy. and i really want in on psych 156... I don;t know about that accounting class though... =T hrm...

I vow. this semester will be a good academic semester. I will study hard.

funny how I say that every semester. but Imma gonna try real hard... =D

ok.... that's enough for now.. I should go study and be a good student now =D

Today was a day filled with the leadership symposium. Started with a shower andy my $7 pants from GILROY! oh baby! and then off to make a banner with leslie and dan. oh such a pretty banner it was! Took... 5 FRICKING HOURS! but.. it's almost done, need contact paper... then voila! then hung out with my cousing for a bit (she's in berk guys!!! YAY!) then back to CAA for more symp stuff... 3 hours of meeting! GAH! and then went to cousin's again to hang and show her the key to berkeleian living, then took her to mandarin house where I did some more symposium stuff, and went back to the Computing Center to set up her email and RC apptmt. went home, only to find that I left all my symp stuff in her dorm. WEnt back to get it, so that I could send out emails tonight. Sent out that, watched meteor garden with jess... oh so cute! that's belinda on TV! =D then stayed up and emailed out stuff, was supposed to take down shrine... but will work on that later... too tired... talked to a friend for a while... good stuff this talke business. =) AIM is a funny thing... makes it so much easier to make a connection between peoples. technology's great ain't it?

Today I woke up to go shop shop shopping! =) I bought SOOOO much stuff!!! no more shopping for shelley for the rest of this semester! hehe...

It was me and jess and jessie and tammi and lily chan and Vince met up with us there. I felt so bad for Vince though... shopping with a bunch of GIRLS! hehe... I don't think he had very much fun at all... =T ah wells...

However, I, on the other hand, had a GREAT time! I think the part I liked the most was the car ride. Funny huh? the 4 hours in the car. =T But had soome good conversation. the obligatory gossip that occurs with 5 girls in one car, and the more scenario based thought on love and relationships. Why is it that conversation always turns in that direction? I think, perhaps it's because everyone has something to contribute to that topic. EVERYONE has to have SOME idea as to what they belive love is... you know? Even if you haven't read about it, experienced it, or felt it... in our culture, we've been hit with the "romance" theme through TV, English class, and the radio. We HAVE to have SOME opinion formed on the topic. And thus that makes for interesting conversation. It's interesting to hear what different peoples' views are. hehe... aiight... enough. I'm cold and tired! I woke up at 10:30 today!!! SOOOOO early!

Today I slept in until 2 pm. I really need to clean my apartment. And I'm currently listening to: Rent.

I woke up, and then went out to play with eddie and joycie and jess. hehe... started TALKING about leaving at 2, ended up leaving at 5. Doh. But went to Sun Valley Mall, returned my mom's gift to Brookstone, then the mall closed. so we decided to drive around until something "fancied" us. That "something" turned out to be "The Old Spaghetti Factory." Funny how it didn't occur to me that I've been eating Spaghetti for the past 3 days until we were already seated. hehe... oh well... it was still good. Attempted to tie Cherry stems, eddie's really good at it. He must be a fantastic kisser. hehe... I keep ALMOST getting it, but can't quite get the knot to pull tight... I've done it a number of times before, but never was able to tie it really tight like eddie... more practice required I guess...

But ooh!!! also got new scanner! YAY eddie! hehe.. so now I've got pictures on my site! it's funny how the index site is like a shrine to myself. but eh.. whatevers... it'll do until I get bored with it. I also added a bunch of pictures to my apo pages and linked a few stories to some as well...

So last night, after I updated, I started to read my journal from a LOOONG time ago. It's really weird looking back on those entries. Some of them were incredibly serious, and some were just silly, and some were very... emotional. Looking at it caused a mix of strange emotions in me... I mean, it's like... wow... it's an odd thing, especially knowing that I was the one writing it. here's one from 10 years ago...(side note:I named my diary after my best friend in kindergarten, as I thought "dear diary" was too impersonal... hehe strange kid. I know.)

and also... now that these are posted for everyone to see, it kind of also makes me question whether or not I really write for myself anymore. I mean, I think I do, but subconsciously, do I write for the audience? Do I change my writing style? Do I alter what would be written for the sake of what the audience would think of me? After all... most of you guys reading this are my friends. Which is why in the beginnning I didn't want people to know I had a site... but then I had to tell jess what I was working on so much... and it just kinda grew...

I suppose that's also the reason I have that section just for me. To rant and rave and be irrational and not care who will see because no one will...

So I've spent all of today in bed feeling yucky. don't know why self is feeling so yucky. Maybe it is psychological. Wish I could say that I came across a deep and philosophical revelation today whilst in bed. But I can't. Spent all day either sleeping or reading Bridget Jones's Diary. Now that is a highly entertaining piece of reading. I hope I don't end up like that in 10 years. In 10 years I want to be happily married with at least one kid.

mm... spaghetti is good... I have taken up my little brother's habit of making spaghetti in one big pot and then spreading it across many days to eat. Thus there is no need to keep cooking, I can just heat it up! It's almost as good as frozen foods! I like frozen foods too. =)

Don't know if I ever mentioned this, but going to be parenting with Wennie and Vince and Howie this semester... wonder what we should call ourselves... difficult, difficult. And also, the leadership symposium is on the same day as active retreat. So much for getting APO people to show... darn...

I think the rest of tonight will be devoted to adding new stories to this page... hehe... I have so many stories! But I'm too lazy to put 'em up! Jess thinks that I should write a book detailing all of my escapades... Escapades? what? who? me? hehe...

back in Berkeley.
Berkeley is good.
I like berkeley.
=D

Don't know what to write. Don't know what I want to write. don't know if anything should be written. why do i bother to write in this thing anyway? there's really no point to it if you think about it. Posting fleeting thoughts to the purpose of... nothing. no reason. who really cares? who reads this junk besides me? perhaps it's for me. maybe, maybe not.

I talked to my brother today. poor nicholas. only 16. at home all alone. I feel so bad. I shoulda just gone to UCI. ::sigh:: oh well... can't be helped now. I think I needed a new environment at that time. Maybe it was good for me. Maybe not. You never know. I wish I were a better child. There so many things you wish that you can do with your life. But in the end... you don't do anything about it, until you regret it. sad thought isn't it? ah wells...