Had a long talk with Jason today... well not LONG... but a talk. It was good. I'm really glad I got to know him. He's a really good guy. Very knowledgeable. I also wonder what it is that I do with my time. I'm always so busy... But doing what? I spent the entire afternoon, not really doing much... wandering around with me myself and I. Very unproductive. the only thing I accomplished was my talk with Jason, buying my reader, and helping input evals. not very much done for the big block of time I used up. my.. I must be having a lot of fun... OH! and I read 4 pages! Aren't I wonderful?! I got into my BA 120 class! Yay! I hope wennie sticks with it. I no want her to drop out. Cuz that would be suck suck sucky... I should work on that scholarshipp app now. Bye.

I signed up for my RA interview today.. don't know what time it's at.. but that's ok. I'll go back and figure it out tomorrow.

Today I was at the Alumni House waiting for the Californians meeting to start and I saw the bookshelf on the left. It has Blue and Gold Yearbooks from the 1800's! So i was flipping through it and stuff and it was just really intreresting. There was one yearbook themed on the artistry of the berkeley experience. So where other yearbooks had every student named and every frat and sorority or student activity in the yearbook, it was jsut a bunch of pictures, artistically put together of Berkeley life. It was really realy interesting. I really liked it. And then there were these stories from sooo people writing soo long ago. and it seemed like a regular college student's work. Any random run-of-the-mill student... just like me... only writing in the 1800's... and the pictures.. and the QUALITY of the books.... they were all just soooo.. different. Almost a culture shock. You see the berkeley campus when it was predominately white and male. and the clothing is SOOOO different. And the pictures... it's so awesome looking at those old books... kinda put a timelessness to it all. Makes you feel so insignificant and forces you to look at the bigger picture. And it's just... so... much better... I wish I had books like those... it's really an interesting thing to do... flipping through old books and looking at things that were of consequence back then... quite interesting... it just seemed sooo different.. not quite the berkeley I know.. and yet the same.. I saw a map of berkeley without haas and without MLK and without all these buildings I take for granted.. it only had eshelman, and it was like a little schoolhouse! very weird. however, I'm tired now.. off to bed I go.

So today, the day after the symposium... it went REALLY well if I do say so myself.. except for a few bumps in the road regarding room changes and LAURA NADER NOT SHOWING UP, it went well. Nader really frustrated me though. I really did not like it at all. What kind of a leadership message does that send to the students? if I don't want to show, I won't even contact you to let you know that I'm not going to show? dude... gah! oh wells.

just wanted to say thanks here to all the members of the Shelley Fan Club that were present at the Symposium, my president, Leslie, Tammi, Andy, Kenny, Jason, Lily, Tina, Bea and Richard (although, those last four I think showed up for leadership credit and not for fan club purposes hehe, still nice that they came though) I hope it was a worthwhile experience for people. I really really wanted to attend one of the workshops and sit in on the Mather panel. because I heard they were really good... but.. ::sigh:: no chance of that. Kinda don't want to chair the symposium next year... cuz I want to actually get to be an attendee... but I already told jason that I would. =T

Yesterday after the symposium, the lack of actual feeling was kind of odd... it was kinda like.. hmm... it's over, but it doesn't really feel like it. I don't know, usually I get some sort of feeling of accomplishment when I finish something big. And this was one of the biggest, if not THE biggest thing I've ever put together. and it was just kind of.. anti-climatic. I'm not too sure why... it's just... odd that I don't really feel that much. =T I dunno... hehe. whatever. we'll see what I feel after the de-briefing meeting...And so... another one of my goals on my goal checklist can be checked off! =D YAY!

after the symp, I came home, went to sleep and then woke up to play with Jan, watched American Beauty for the first time, and then slept some more, and then woke up. read a nice letter by leslie (I like leslie =P) and then, that's about it... leads up to now. hehe.

Happy Birthday Nicholas!

So I'm really writing this entry ont he 3rd... but I wanted to wish my brother a happy 17th birthday. late... but that's ok... =D Love you nick!

Happy Birthday Devin!

Today was a day filled with the Leadership Symposium. oh dear. So long. worked so hard. and so tired. I was at CAA until 11:00 and I stayed awake at home working on stuff until now, or 2 am.. so technically it is now feb. 2. It's kind of sad though, thinking about it. I mean, I'm in charge kinda of this symposium thing, and I really really wanted people from A Phi O to go... but active retreat is this weekend, and almost the entire chapter is going. Which is too bad. Because the Symposium is going to kick *ss. I just wish... hmm... hard to say. I just wish some of my closer friends who DIDN'T go to the retreat felt that it was worthy enough of their time to come. If only to support this event that I've been busting my butt to be done well. It just kind of hurts that they brush it off as... oh... whatever, I'm "busy" I'm not interested. I don't want to go. And it's like... hmm.. well... ok. I mean... I guess it's just the difference in the definition of "friendship" I suppose. I mean, if it were me, and my friend worked really hard on a project, and I knew about it, I would try my very hardest to make it. Little things like studying and stuff I would do later in the day. That's just my wacked sense of priorities though. I guess I tend to expect too much from people I think... but it still hurts I guess, because I know that if roles were reversed, I would act very differently. It's funny... sometimes I get the feeling that I must not be a very good person. Not very many people care that much about me or what I do or what I think or what I feel. They don't really care what happens to me. They live their own lives. And when I can do something for them... that's when I come to mind. Oh yeah... Shelley... she's good at making that... I'll ask her to. Oh Shelley, she can do that. I'll go ask her. And that's the only time. It's so rare that people want to just hang out with me. Am I that bad of a person? am I just not that cool? Funny... I just typed... "Am I just not that fool?" heh... A fool I am perhaps. Dave once told me that life gets people like me jaded. those that were once idealistic about the way the world functions and are innocent to the many vices that people have and dragged back down to reality in college. I think that maybe that's the road I'm on right now.. the road to reality, where people aren't all the best people to be friends with. Maybe a best friend can turn back into a mere acquaintance, and maybe it's better not to have the friend at all... I can't really imagine that, but I dunno... some things got me to thinking today. ::sigh::

Sometimes I kinda feel like... a Christmas tree. I'm a fun person in the beginning, people like me and what not, and then after a certain date, I expire and I am thrown out onto the side of the road for the garbage people to pick up. What causes the expiration though? That's the question. Do they change? or do *I* change? and just thinking about it makes something in my chest ache. There's a little twang, and a little pain... and it doesn't feel too good. I don't think I'm very suited to loneliness. and yet, one way or another it is thrusted upon me. I may not be physically lonely, but I am mentally. and I think, that that is very very sad on my part. I think I'll go to bed and feel sorry for myself now =P Just kidding. I feel better now. This writing business is very helpful. I like it a lot. I think I'll go to bed soon. wake up time for symp in 3.5 hours and counting. Wish me luck!