Everything You Know Is Wrong

I was driving on the freeway
In the fast lane
With a rabid wolverine
In my underwear

When suddenly a guy
Behind me in the back seat
Popped right up
And cupped his hands across my eyes

I guessed, "Is it Uncle Frank or Cousin Louie
Is it Bob or Joe or Walter
Could it be Bill or Jim
Or Ed or Bernie or Steve"

I probably would have
Kept on guessing
But about that time
We crashed into the truck

And as I'm laying
Bleeding there on the asphalt
Finally I recognize the face of my hibachi dealer
Who takes off his prosthetic lips
And tells me

Everything you know is wrong
Black is white
Up is down
And short is long

And everything
You thought
Was just so important
Doesn't matter

Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong

I was walkin' to the kitchen
For some Golden Grahams
When I accidentally stepped
Into an alternate dimension

And soon I was abducted by
Some aliens from space
Who kinda looked
Like Jamie Farr

They sucked out my internal organs
And they took some polaroids
And said
I was a darn good sport

And as a way of saying thank you
They offered to transport me back to any
Point in history
That I would care to go

And so I had them send me back
To last Thursday night
So I could pay my phone bill on time
Just then the floating disembodied head
Of Colonel Sanders started yelling

Everything you know is wrong
Black is white
Up is down
And short is long

And everything
You thought
Was just so important
Doesn't matter

Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong

I was just about to
Mail a letter
To my evil twin
When I got a nasty papercut

And, well
To make a long story short
It got infected
And I died

So now I'm up in heaven
With St. Peter by the pearly gates
And it's obvious he doesn't like
The Nehru jacket that I'm wearing
He tells me that they've got a dress code

Well, he lets me into heaven anyway
But I get the room next to 
The noisy ice machine for all eternity
And every day he runs by screaming

Everything you know is wrong
Black is white
Up is down
And short is long

And everything
You thought
Was just so important
Doesn't matter

Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong

Everything you know is wrong

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