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150 Quid (New)
Kitty: Hello.
Lee: Course I can, what type are you looking for?
Kitty: Sorry?
Lee: Didn't you just say 'I'm interested in purchasing a car from your extensive range
of automobiles'?
Kitty: No I didn't, but I am quite interested in--
Lee: Ah, that's a good choice. 17 000 pounds, please.
Kitty: Hang on, I'd like to know a bit about the car first.
Lee: Well. It's a car. It's a good car. I like it. And I think you should buy it.
Kitty: Right, well how bigs the engine?
Lee: Huge.
Kitty: How big in litres?
Lee: In litres? Even bigger. And, it's red, so you are buying yourself a real fanny magnet!
Kitty: I beg your pardon!
Lee: And...cock attractor.
Kitty: What?!
Lee: No.
Kitty: I'm married with a family!
Lee: You are indeed, that is correct. And that is why you need, madam, a car with doors.
For allowing the family in, but also, for allowing them out of the vehicle. So?
17 000 pounds, that sounds good yeah? What do you say?
Kitty: Uh..what about safety features?
Lee: Oh yes, safety features, it has uh, brakes. Fitted, standard, onto the wheels to allow
you to stop, as standard. Windows throughout the vehicle both front and back for warmth
and vision, that's optional. It has a steering wheel to allow you to turn and to get
round the corners. And it's good. And I would go for that one. What do you say?
Kitty: Yeah, I think I might leave it.
Lee: No, don't. Go on, it's good, give us 17 000 pounds.
Kitty: No, I don't want it!
Lee: Alright, 12.
Kitty: 12?!
Lee: Okay 7 000 pounds. You give me 7 000, I'll give you a big red shiny car.
Kitty: That's a very good deal, but I don't exactly have 7 000 pounds on me.
Lee: Well, what do you have?
Kitty: About 150 quid?
Lee: It's your lucky day. You have just got a nice car.. and I'm gonna get you.. the ...
necessary...uh...papers...*runs away with Kitty's money*
Kitty: HEY!
Bank note forgers Index
Tim: Right, we?re the most notorious bank note forging gang in the country. If we wanna stay that way, we?ve gotta cut our costs. Accounts, how much is it costing us to forge one ten pound note?
Ronni: 12 pound 37.
Tim: Which means we?re making?
Ronni: A loss of two pound 37 on every note.
Tim: Exactly, so I?m open to any suggestions to help us save money. Fingers?
Jim: If we paint on the number twenty instead of ten, then on every note we make a profit of 7 pound 63.
Tim: Brilliant. That?s why I hired him. I?ll have to right past our art department. Brushes.
Lee: Yes boss.
Tim: Can you change a ten to a twenty?
Lee: I don?t think I?ve got any money on me.
Karen: You have to remember that a twenty pound note is bigger than a ten pound note.
Tim: Wait a minute, Stationary has a point, but I don?t think it makes a difference. I didn?t know they were different sizes, I don?t think Joe Public will either. By the way, when you get in paper can you make sure it?s plain. That graph paper isn?t working.
Ronni: Plain paper is more expensive than graph paper.
Tim: Okay, split the difference. Stationary, keep getting graph paper. Brushes, stock up on Tippex.
Ronni: Tippex is hardly cheap.
Tim: Ahh. Back to square one. If only there was some way of at least breaking even.
Jim: Ah. Why don?t we circulate genuine ten pound notes? Then, that way we?ll spend just ten pounds on every note.
Tim: We?d be lost without you. It?s radical, it?s cheeky, it?s in. But remember everyone, not a word to the cops
Beach Picnic: (New)
Kitty: Ugh Karen, these are all full of sand!
Karen: Well what'd you expect?
Kitty: Yeah well I know we're on the beach but you could've wrapped them a bit better.
Karen: No I mean what'd you expect to find in you're sand-wiches!? You know, sandwiches..SANDwiches...what'd you expect to find in you SAND-wiches?
Kitty: Yeah ok i get it!
Lee: Yeah leave it out Karen, you really put me off my soup.
Karen: Why?
Lee: It's Cockaleakie!
Birthstone Index
Karen : Now some people prefer to replace the original stone with their birthstone. Make it a bit more personal. Would you prefer that?
Ronni: Oh that?s a good idea.
Lee: Okay, we?ll do that.
Karen: All right, what?s your birthstone?
Ronni: Come on, you should know this.
(Blank look on Lee?s face)
Ronni: I told you last week.
Karen: Let me help. When?s her birthday?
(Blank look on Lee?s face)
Karen: It doesn?t have to be exact date, just the month.
(Blank look on Lee?s face)
Karen: Maybe you should go for a necklace instead.
Lee: That?s a good idea. Waddya say?
Ronni: Yeah. Great. Whatever.
Karen: Well, we could get that engraved, make that more personal.
Ronni: Ok
Karen: What?s the name?
(Blank look on Lee?s face)
Bin-Go Index
Ronni is leading Tim into the Bingo hall. Tim is a dustman and is looking confused.
RONNI: Here we are
TIM: No. I said, where?s the bin go?
Bingo story Index
We see Jim standing in a bingo hall, dressed in a smart sparkly jacket.
Jim:
Right now ready to play
Robbed a house #5
Little old lady 86
Called the cops 99 9
Got hit in the jaw lost some teeth 3
Got away in a FLASH AT THE STROKE OF 12
HIJACKED A BUS ,the number 47
COPS PULLED ME OVER DOING 65
GOT SENTENCED BY THE JUDGE GOT 8
THE WIFE MOVED IN WITH STAN WHO SHE LEFT ME 4
ON ITS OWN.....ME Then he breaks down crying
Burglars
( Lee and tim approach a window )
Tim: Right, I know this is your first robbery, so stick by me at all times.
Now, the first thing to remember is fingerprints.
Lee: That's all right, I've bought them!
Tim: No, I mean don't leave any! There's a computer in London with everybody's fingerprints on it.
Lee: I'm all right, I haven't touched it!
Tim: No, they're on the memory!
Lee: Do you want me to nick it?
Tim: Shush. And that's not all. The police can identify you from one strand of
Human hair. Your DNA is unique!
Lee: Oh, thank you!
Tim: So, keep your hat on at all times.
Lee: What if a lady enters the room?
Tim: Stop asking ridiculous questions! Now, what's the number one rule?
Lee: Don't.
Tim: Don't what?
Lee: Don't have a number one, wait until afterwards and hold it!
Tim: No! The number one rule is, be really quiet and do everything I do.
Lee: What if you start shouting?
Tim: What do you mean?
Lee: Well do I keep really quiet, or do what you do?
Tim: But I won't shout!
Lee: What if you stand on a nail?
Tim: I'll be really careful! Now, when I open this window, the security alarm will
Go off. I want you to disable it. How do you think you'll do that?
Lee: I'll keep on guessing the security code until the noisy bell stops ringing!
Tim: No, you'll use this. ( Tim holds up a key ) It's a key for the alarm. I copied it.
Lee: Why didn't you just copy the front door key? Then we wouldn't have to go through the window!
( Tim pauses in frustration )
Tim: Don't get smart. Now, say there's a dog. What do we do?
Lee: NICK IT!
( Tim gets angry again )
Tim: No, we use this. ( Tim holds up a steak ) It's a tranquilizer.
Lee: Won't it make me drowsy?
Tim: IT'S FOR THE DOG! Now, how do you think you'll open the safe?
Lee: Uh... a really big hammer!
Tim: No a combination!
Lee: A combination of kicking it and a really big hammer!
Tim: No, a combination number! Now, I found out the number for the safe. It's
Behind a picture, on the wall. So, I find the picture, and you find...
Lee: The wall!
Tim: NO, THE SAFE! Right. In we go!
Lee: NO! WAIT!
Tim: What is it?
Lee: I can't do this! I'm too nervous!
Tim: You'll be fine!
Lee: No I won't! I think I've just broken " the number one rule! "
California dreaming Index
(The scene is set in a recording studio. Karen, Jim, Tim and Lee are backing singers. Ronni is singing the lead. The song they are recording is California Dreaming by the Mamas and the Papas)
RONNI: All the leaves are brown
REST: All the leaves are brown
RONNI: And the sky is grey
REST: All the leaves are brown
RONNI: I went for a walk
REST: All the leaves are brown
RONNI: On a winter' day
REST: All the leaves are brown.
(Music stops)
RONNI: What are you doing? You?re supposed to be following my lead.
REST: We are.
RONNI: No, it's "all the leaves are brown, all the leaves are brown, and the sky is grey, and the sky is grey. Okay
REST: Okay.
(Music starts up again)
RONNI: All the leaves are leaves are brown
REST: All the leaves are brown
RONNI: And the sky is grey
REST: And the sky is grey
RONNI: I went for a walk
REST: And the sky is grey
RONNI: On a winter's day
REST: And the sky is grey
(Music stops)
RONNI: STOP IT! It's all the leaves are brown, all the leaves are brown, and the sky is grey, and the sky is grey, I went for a walk, (getting annoyed and moving her hand harshly in time to the words) I WENT FOR A WALK, on a winter?s day, ON A WINTER'S DAY. Understand?
REST: Okay.
(Music starts up again)
RONNI: All the leaves are brown
REST: All the leaves are brown
RONNI: And the sky is grey
REST: And the sky is grey
RONNI: I went for a walk
REST: (shouting and doing Ronnie?s hand motions) I WENT FOR A WALK!
RONNI: On a winter?s day
REST: ON A WINTER?S DAY!
RONNI: (Very agitated that they can?t get the simple song right) STOP IT! STOP IT! Why is it so hard for you to understand that I sing ? and you repeat it.
REST: (confused) We are
RONNI: (Doing the hand motions) Well what?s all this about?
LEE: You said?
RONNI: I was emphasising a point.
LEE: Oh, so we don?t do that?
RONNI: No, no, no.
MUSIC PRODUCER: Again?
RONNI: (Rattled) Yeah
(Music starts up again.)
RONNI: All the leaves are brown
REST: All the leaves are brown,
RONNI: And the sky is grey
REST: And the sky is grey
RONNI: I went for a walk
REST: I went for a walk
RONNI: On a winter?s day
REST: On a winter?s day
(Ronnie looks pleased and gives them a thumbs up)
RONNI: I've been safe and warm-
REST: All the leaves are brown
RONNI: OH FORGET IT!
Customs Index
(Ronni is in the airport and her suitcase is being checked over by Jim)
JIM: You are aware aren?t you that it is illegal to bring any dairy products from overseas.
RONNI: Yeah
(Jim pulls out a tub of I Can?t Believe It?s Not Butter)
JIM: What?s this?
RONNI: It?s a tub of I Can?t Believe It?s Not Butter. Oh I?m sorry, please let me go and I?ll promise I?ll never ever do it again.
JIM: No, see it?s not butter. It?s I can?t believe it?s not butter.
(Puts it back in the case whilst Ronni looks on, confused. Jim pulls out another white bag. It reads:)
JIM: I Can?t Believe It?s Not Heroin? (Looks of shock on Ronny?s face) I think that?s all in order.
Date Game
Tim: How's your love life?
Lee: Yeah, good. I've just started seeing someone, actually!
Tim: Great! Hey, I tell you what, I'll try and guess what her name is.
Lee: Ok.
Tim: Right. I'm allowed ten guesses, and what I do is I'll say a name
And you have to tell me whether I'm warm or cold depending on how
Close I am alphabetically. Then I say another name, and you have to tell
me whether I'm warm or cold in relation to the previous name. For example,
If I say Mary, and your girlfriends name might be beginning with P, you've
got to say warm, and if my next guess is Zoie, you've got to say colder
because obviously M is nearer P than Z.
( Lee gets a confused look on his face )
Tim: Right. Here's my first guess. LAURA
Lee: Yep that's right, her name's Laura!
Disco (New)
Kitty: (Wearing ugly glasses and has really frizzy hair) Hi, wanna dance?
Lee: No
Kitty: Really? Why not?
Lee: 'Cos I don't want to
Kitty: Really? Why not?
Lee: 'Cos I don't feel like it
Kitty: Really? Why not?
Lee: 'Cos I don't fancy you
Kitty: Really? Why not?
Lee: 'Cos you're not very good looking
Kitty: Really? Why not?
Lee: I dunno. Frizzy hair, stumpy legs, glasses. Now could you go away please?
Kitty: I can't believe you don't wnat to dance with me!
Lee: (sarcastically) Really? Why not?
Kitty: Well, I looked around the room, saw you, thought, "I'll ask him, he's not gonna be choosy!"
Lee: Really? Why not?
Kitty: Have a look at yourself! You're not much in the looks department!
Lee: Really? Why not? (uncomfortably fiddles with his tie)
Kitty: Aww.....you're spotty, bit weedy, very pasty....pretty un-appealing really!
Lee: I always thought I was quite good looking
Kitty: God no!
Lee: Wanna dance?
Kitty: Yeah!
(Lee pulls some wanna-be moves and the Chick leaves, he then does a smooth turn with a pleased look on his face)
Distractions
( Tim to students )
Tim: And so the area of the circle is pi R squared, where R of course, is the radius...
( From outside the window )
BARK! BARK!
( The students look out the window )
Tim: It's just a dog barking, stay focused, please!
( Students turn back to Tim )
Tim: So how do we calculate the circumference of a circle? he answer is, 2 Pi R.
( From outside the window )
VRRROOOOM!!!
( students look outside )
Tim: It's a motorbike. Have you never heard one before? Look at me please!
Now, with 2 pi R, which is the circumference, we are multiplying it by two
And not as in the previous case, squaring the radius.
RAAAATTTATATTATATTATTATAATAT!!!
Tim: It's just gunfire, I won't tell you again, consentrate on your work!
Now we can all ready see how this differs from the straight line shapes, such as
The triangle and the rhombus.
KABLOOOM!!!!!
vrrrrrooooOOOOOOMMMMNNNNN!!!!
Tim: OK, we'll do it your way. Let's all sit and listen to the incoming warplane, shall we?
Then you can spend your free time doing maths!
( Jim walks in with a bleeding arm )
Tim: Good afternoon Mr, Tavare!
Class: Good afternoon Mr. Tavare!
( Jim gives Tim a letter )
Jim: Urgent message from the headmaster.
Tim: Thank you.
( Jim limps out of the room )
Tim: OK, 2V, I've got to go now, but when the bel goes, and not before, tidy up your desks, put away your books, and run for your lives!
( Tim runs out of the room )
Door-to-door Salesman Index
(Doorbell rings, and Jim opens it)
Lee: Hello sir this won?t take very long. Do you mind if I talk to you about Jesus?
Jim: No thank you.
Lee: Would you like to buy a tea towel? Shade cloth? Ironing board cover?
Jim: No thank you.
Lee: Pizza!
Jim: What?
Lee: I brought your pizza. Sorry, no garlic bread.
Jim: I didn?t order a pizza.
Lee: Can I read your gas meter?
Jim: You?re from the gas board?
Lee: No, but I could just read it anyway. You know, just for a laugh.
Jim: No thank you!
Lee: Could I borrow a cup of sugar then? I?ve just moved in next door.
Jim: Have ya?
Lee: No. I?m a plain clothed police officer. I?m afraid your wife?s been run over by a steam roller.
Jim: Oh my God, has she?
Lee: I?m so sorry, yes.
Jim: Oh my God.
Lee: I do find that at times like this it helps to talk about Jesus.
Jim: You better come in.
Lee: (silently) Yes!
English Class Index
Jim: Are we all on the same English course?
Karen: Oh yeah, how's that going?
Jim: Alright but I sometimes have trouble with grammar isn't it? Sometimes I spot on and other times I don't aren't they?
Lee: I'm alright with my grammar, my problem is spilling. Can't spill to save my loaf! I have to rely on my spill chock on my compluter!
Karen: Well don't worry about it too much; I'm sure you'll be treated with a lot of understanding and COMPASSION!
Lee: Alright! I've got problems with my spilling not my herring!
Jim: She's got trouble with her punctuation isn't it?
Karen: Yeah, sorry, I sometimes put an exclamation mark on the end by MISTAKE!
Ronni: It's alright for you lot, I've got a very small vocabulary.
Tim: What's that like?
Ronni: It's alright for you lot, I've got a very small vocabulary.
Tim: Sometimes I have trouble with my emphaasis.
Karen: Your emphaasis?
Tim: Yeah, In variious different parts of my senteences. In my job that can cause a lot of awkwordness.
Tim: I'm a speech theraapist.
Lee: A speech therapist who can't spike prifferly! I'm surprised your boss hasn't sucked you!
Ronni: It's alright for you lot, I've got a very small vocabulary!
Tim: Can I make a suurgestion? Why don't you purchaase a dictionary you'll save yourself a lot of embarrasment.
Jim: I know! We could all try studying together isn't it? How doesn't next week sounds?
Karen: GOOD IDEA!
Jim: Excellent!
Ronni: It's alright for you lot...
Tim, Jim, Karen and Lee: SHUT UP!
MC Sweetpea (New)
Lee: Hello, pet!
Kitty: Don't call me 'pet'.
Lee: Why not?
Kitty: It's all northern, like they own me or something.
Lee: Hello, baby?
Kitty: That's inappropriate, I'm not helpless, you don't look after me.
Lee: Hello, chicken?
Kitty: I'm hardly your equal if you call me a chicken.
Lee: Big chicken?
Kitty: No.
Lee: Captain chicken?
Kitty: No.
Lee: Cock.
Both: No!
Lee: Treacle! Hello, Treacle!
Kitty: That makes me sound like some fat, sticky, tart!
Lee: Hello, honey?
Kitty: That's another one of your fat, sticky, northern, tart references.
Lee: Pumpkin.
Kitty: I'm not a vegetable.
Lee: Angel.
Kitty: I'm not dead.
Lee: Button.
Kitty: Don't like it!
Lee: Sweetpea.
Kitty: Old fashioned.
Lee: MC Sweetpea.
Kitty: What?
Lee: MC Sweetpea and a Treacle Tart!
Kitty: Look, why can't you just call me by my real name?
Lee: I can't!!
Kitty: Why not?
Lee: Because it's MINGE!
Names In Sleep (New)
Karen: What are you doing, Ronni?
Ronni: Oh, hi Karen. I think Tim's being unfaithful to me, so I'm just seeing
if he mentions any women in his sleep.
Karen: Isn't that bit unlikely?
Tim: (groans)
Ronni: Shh shh shh shh, he's saying something!
Tim: Ronni...
Karen: That's your name!
Ronni: Shh! He hasn't finished yet!
Tim: Alison...
Ronni: Alison! (writes Alison down)
Tim: Alison to every word you say, Ronni!
Ronni: (scribbles Alison out)
Tim: Mavis...
Ronni: Mavis!
Tim: Mavis relationship last forever, Ronni. Abby!!
Ronni: Abby!
Tim: You make me so Abby, Ronni! Yvonne!!
Ronni: Yvonne!
Tim: Yvonne in a hundred years, I'll still love you, Ronni! Phillipa!
Ronni: Phillipa...
Tim: Phillipa kettle and make us a cup of tea, Ronni. Beverly!
Ronni: Beverly..
Tim: Beverly careful you don't burn your hands while you do it...Dawn!
Ronni: Dawn..
Tim: DAWN LEAVE ME! Karen!
Ronni: Karen..
Tim: Yes.
Karen: Uh...Karen...the community. Karen...van park?
Newspaper Ad
(Tim sits at a table looking at a newspaper, enter Karen)
Karen: Not still looking for a job, are you Tim?
Tim: Yes, actually I am. Oh, look here's one: Man wanted to put crosses through newspaper ad's.... No, thats not me *Puts Cross Through Ad*
Phobias Index
Lee: Well hello everyone and welcome to the phobia workshop. My
name's Lee, and I actually have a phobia myself. I have a fear of the
word that's spelt a-a-g-h-exclamation mark, that word. So why don't
you tell me a little bit about yourselves, (to Jim) starting with you.
Jim: My name's Jim, and I have a fear of apologies.
Lee: Sorry?
Jim: Aagh!
Lee: Aagh!
Karen: Aagh!
Lee: Oh! You have a fear of apologies! Sorry!
Jim: Aagh!
Lee: Aagh!
Karen: Aagh!
Lee: Is it any sort of apologies?
Jim: Yes.
Lee: Well let's just try and avoid them shall we? (To Karen) What's
your problem?
Karen: My name's Karen, and I have a fear of repetition.
Lee: Oh you have a fear of... nearly said it then didn't I!
He's about to say sorry but remembers Jim's phobia.
Lee: (To Ronni): And you are?
Ronni: My name's Ronni and I have a fear of awkward silences.
There's a bit of a silence.
Lee: How long do these silences have to be?
Ronni: That was borderline that one!
Lee: Right well let's try and keep the conversation flowing then
shall we!
Tim enters.
Tim: Hi! My name's Tim, sorry I'm late!
Jim: Aagh!
Lee: Aagh!
Tim: *Bark*
Lee: That's alright. This is Karen; she has a fear of repetition.
Tim: I'm so sorry!
Jim: Aagh!
Lee: Aagh!
Tim: *Bark*
Lee: What's your problem?
Tim: I bark at other people's phobias.
Lee: Maybe I should have helped you out on a one to one basis. Anyway
you're here now, this is Jim, he has a fear of apologies.
Tim: I?m terribly...
Lee stops him before he says sorry.
Lee: And this is Ronni, she has a fear of awkward silences.
Tim: Well let's try and keep the conversation flowing then eh?
Karen: Aagh!
Lee: Aagh!
Tim: *Bark*
Karen: He said that before!
Tim: Sorry!
Jim: Aagh!
Lee: Aagh!
Tim: *Bark*
Lee: Can we just try and make some progress please! Jim, why don't
you tell us how your problem started?
Jim: Yes well it all began when I first tried on my grandmother's
stockings.
There's a long silence after that.
Ronni: Aagh!
Lee: Aagh!
Karen: Aagh!
Tim: *Bark*
Jim: Sorry! Aagh!
Lee: Aagh!
Karen: Aagh!
Tim: *Bark*
Secrets Index
Tim: Sweet heart, we've been married for 9 years. I really want you to know everything about me.
Karen: I do don't I darling?
Tim: Well I've got this secret, something about me that you don't know and I want to tell you.
Karen: Actually I'm glad that you said that because I've got a secret too.
Tim: Have you?
Karen: Yeah and I think you are right. We should know everything about each other.
Tim: Yeah. well I -
Karen: No let me start.
Tim: OK
Karen: Um...about 5 years ago and I had an affair with your brother. It only lasted a week and then that was it. So what's your secret?
Tim: I collect old coins!
Shifty Defendant Index
Judge (Ronni): Members of the jury have you reached a verdict upon which you all agree?
Juror (Lee): We have.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Juror: Shifty.
Judge: What do you mean "shifty?"
Juror: We find him shifty and a little bit dodgy.
Judge: You can't say shifty, you must say guilty or not guilty.
Juror: Okay, we the members of the jury find the defendant guilty......looking.
Judge: You can't find him guilty LOOKING, you have to say guilty or not guilty based on the facts.
Juror: I am basing it on the facts; the fact that he looks guilty!
Judge: It doesn't matter what he looks like, you have to say give your verdict based on whether or not you think he committed the crime in question!
Juror: Ah, but you didn't say that, did you? You said "how do we find him?"
Judge: That's just how we phrase it in court.
Juror: But you shouldn't, if that was Jack the ripper in there we may have found him a pleasant and amiable chap. If we'd said that, you'd have let him go and you'd have the blood of innocent women all over you hands!
Judge: (Indignantly) Look sir!
Juror: (cuts in) What you should say is 'do we think the defendant did it.'
Judge: Alright, do you think he did it?
Juror: Well that's a difficult question, it was well over a hundred years ago.
Judge: Not Jack the ripper, this man here!
Juror: Well as I said, he looks a bit dodgy but I don't think he's a prostitute murderer.
Judge: No, do you think he's guilty of stealing a washing machine?
Juror: Guilty, he definitely did it. And i'm not basing it on the way he looks.
Judge: And what are you basing it on?
Juror: His defence....
Judge: At last.
Juror: She looks shifty as well.
Student Bingo Index
Lee : Okay, students, eyes down lock in your first number. All the ones, those legs eleven.
Voice1 (Karen): Sexist!
Lee: Okay, all the ones, the number eleven.
Voice2 (Ronni): That's better!
Lee: Three-Oh, Blind thirty.
Voice3 (Tim): Don't you mean visually impaired?
Lee: Okay, three-oh visually impaired thirty. Man alive, number five.
Voice1: Why's it a man?
Lee: Okay, woman alive number five.
Voice4 (Jim): Men have got rights as well!
Lee: Person alive. number five! Kelly's eye, number one.
Voice2: Sexist!
Lee: How can that be sexist?
Voice2: Kelly was a man.
Lee: Yeah, a man with one good eye. Do you know any one-eyed women?
Voice3: Don't you mean visually-impaired?
Lee: Look you (points threateningly)
Voice1: Gabrielle was a pop singer with a patch!
Lee: Okay, Gabrielle's eye....
Voice4: Men have got rights as well!
Lee: Gabrielle the pop star with a patch and Mr Kelly's visually-impaired eye number one!
Voice3: That's two eyes!
Lee: Shut up. One and six, sweet sixteen.
Voice2: Sexist!
Lee: I didn't say it was a sweet girl, it could be a sweet boy..........not that I fancy boys!
Voice3: Why not?
Lee: Because....
Voice4: (Cuts in) Men have got rights aswell!
Lee: Look, (frustrated) They haven't got the right for me to fancy them.....not that it matters if.....Look, it doesn't matter!
Lee: Two fat ladies, eighty-eight.
Voice 1&2: Sexist!
Lee: Two fat men...
Voice4: Men have got rights aswell!
Lee: Two fat people...
Voice3: What do you mean 'fat'?
Lee: (really frustrated) Two big-boned people with no particular sex or gender with gland problems, eighty-eight.
Voice2: BINGO!
Lee: We have a house....
Voice3: Capitalist!
The Man who is too Romantic (New)
Karen and Kitty are sitting at a table in a restaurant chatting
Kitty: So how's married life?
Karen: Aw, it's alright I suppose
Kitty: Alright? don't tell me the romance has gone already!?
Karen: Oh no, it's quite the opposite, he's too romantic
Kitty: How can anybody be too romantic?
(Tim comes in singing with a bunch of flowers while Karen rolls her eyes and looks very embarrassed)
Tim:
Who's that special lady over there?
Who's that radiant woman with the beautiful hair?
That's my wonderful wife! she's my wonderful wife!
It's you (points to Karen wtih a bunch of flowers)
Not you (points to Kitty with a bunch of flowers)
No you're my wonderful wife (presses his face up against Karens.)
Tooth Fairy
Lee: There you go. Extraction finished, sir. Better wrap it.
Tim: Wrap what?
Lee: The tooth.
Tim: Why'd you do that?
Lee: Well, you don't want to get blood everywhere when you're taking it home.
Tim: Why'd I want to take it home?
Lee: The Tooth-Fairy.
Tim: The Tooth-Fairy?! I'm a 44-year-old man! Don't talk to me like a child!
Lee: Suit yourself. Your just going to lose a ?1.50 from the fairies.
Tim: They don't exist!
Lee: (Whispering) Ssshhhh! (frantically looks around the room) Don't you know one dies every time you say that?
Tim: There's no such thing as tooth-fairies!
Lee: (cutting in) Look, mate. If there's no such thing as tooth-fairies, then can you tell me who it is rummaging through me bins at night looking for old teeth?
Tim: It's probably foxes!
Lee: Don't be ridiculous. Foxes' got plenty of their own teeth. And besides, why would they go around leaving money under people's pillows?
Tim: They don't. It's your parents!
Lee: How dare you! Think my parents have nothing better to do than dress up as faries and break into peoples houses?
Tim: They don't break into anyone's house!
Lee: (confused) Well then how'd they get the money under the pillow?
Tim: They don't. Look, your parents put money under your pillow, and my parents put money under my pillow!
Lee: So you're saying that parents are going into their children's bedrooms at night, and exchanging money for their children's extracted teeth, their not even telling them, and blaming it on the fairies?
Tim: (relieved that Lee finally got it right) Exactly.
Lee: Sounds a bit far fetched to me. And anyway, what do they do with the teeth?
Tim: Nothing. Just chuck 'em in the bin.
Lee: Oh, they shouldn't do that, that'll attract the foxes. And another thing. Why do you suppose the parents actually do this?
Tim: I don't know. Guilt?
Lee: Guilt?
Tim: Yes. If they didn't give their children so much chocolate, they wouldn't have such rotten teeth.
Lee: Well, you can't blame the parents for that.
Tim: Well then who can you blame?
Lee: Easter bunny.
Train-Station recording Index
Jim: Can you hear me?
Ronni: Yes
Jim: Now, you know why we're here today, don?t you. Your voice will be integrefied by overall improvement of London underground. So lets make a start, shall we? Should find the script in front of you.
Ronni: Yes, I?ve got it, thanks.
Jim: I'll guide you through it, but any problems, let me know. I think you should find this fairly straight forward.
Ronni: Okay
Jim: So heres the first one.....Finchley
Ronni: Finchley
Jim: Bit more bold and definate, if you will.
Ronni: Finchley
Jim: Excellent, so lets do all the Finchleys now - East
Ronni: East
Jim: West
Ronni: West
Jim: Central
Ronni: Central
Jim: Now if you could just give me Clapam - North, South.
Ronni: Clapam, North, South
Jim: Common
Ronni: Common
Jim: Tart
Ronni: Tart....Tart?
Jim: Very good. Now if you could just say "This train terminates at".
Ronni: This train terminates at
Jim: Mordon
Ronni: Mordon
Jim: Highbarnat
Ronni: Highbarnat
Jim: Edgewear
Ronni: Edgewear
Jim: Spreadem'
Ronni: Spread- Spreadem'?
Jim: Yes, very definate on that one. It's the end of the line.
Ronni: Spreadem'
Jim: That's more like it.
Ronni: I haven?t heard of that stat-
Jim: Okay, moving on.... Lets hear you say, "This train is for".
Ronni: This train is for
Jim: Elephant and soapy lather
Ronni: Elephant and soapy lather?! I can't say-
Jim: It's fine, it sounded good. Now, Woodgreen.... If you could emphasise the WOO on that.
Ronni: WOO-odgreen
Jim: Bank
Ronni: Bank
Jim: Bit more on the ANK
Ronni: ANK
Jim: Upminster - if you could stress the "up"
Ronni: UP-minster
Jim: THE oval
Ronni: THE oval
Jim: ARSnol
Ronni: ARSnol...i'm sorry about this, I-
Jim: We're on the home stretch now! Hackneywick
Ronni: Hackneywick
Jim: Sheperds Bush
Ronni: Sheperds Bush
Jim: Just one more thing.... Cockfosters-
Ronni: I'm sorry; I can't...(Walks out of the room)
Jim: It's on the piccadily line!
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