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28 October, 2001

WHOO HOOO! done my homework, and i did a good job too! i be happy:) and i'm also beginning to write the erotica, but i haven't posted anything yet:(

27 October, 2001

Well, no school today. but today i feel really bad. i feel so alone. i hate living at home. i was just looking outside and the urge to run away just came over me. i had to grip the couch to make sure i didn't go. god i can't stand it anymore! it's so hard to live here! everywhere i go i can't be myself! everywhere i go there's stress. i go to school=stress, i come home=MORE STRESS! i hate it here! do you know what it's like to not be able to be yourself? not even for one measly second? the only time i felt truly at home was... i dont know! with some of my friends. i love them alot. and with my sisters. my home is not where i live anymore, it's a place i'm rarely ever able to go.

I hate being a closet-in. it sucks. i hate living at home. i hate the fact that there are so many opportunities that are there for me, but i can't seize them. i don't run my life, my father does. i hate living here.

26 October, 2001

HEYYYYY, so ya, i went to a birthday party and the love girl drove me over;) we didn't really talk as much as usual, she seemed quiet and more reserved for some reason. i just noticed something too. she looks at me alot. especially after we talk, she just sorta stares at me for awhile then stops. i don't really know why. um, ya okay. we saw the movie "Bless the Child". it sucked. too religious and stereotypical of devil worshippers. and anyway i don't believe in an absolute evil, or an absolute good. to me, the mainstream's idea of god and of a devil (whether it is Muslim, Christian or whatever) is all bull$hit to me. i'm agnostic, but if there is a god, my idea of god is that god is not perfect; it (not he or she: a spirit) is all understanding, there is no perfect answer with my idea of god. it's all about the morals and how good in spirit the person being "judged" is. well, i can go on forever about this so i'll stop now.

heh, i was talking to love girl, and i said "Jesus is Coming!" (it was a joke, it was related to someone coming over, never mind) and she replied "Bull$hit" hehehee, i thought that was so funny. ya, that was cool

hehe, i "converted" (well, i just told them about my beliefs) both love girl and her sister to agnosticism. they were looking for the label to define themselves. btw, an agnostic is someone who doesn't know if there is a god and doesn't care: there are bigger issues at hand, like world hunger, etc. ya, that's cool.

I just realized that love girl is taller than me. i don't know how that relates at all, but ya i said it. so there.

25 October, 2001

Ya, so today I was feeling really crappy. I just got a bad mark in math (79% overall in math: not very good) and my mom is stressing that I must get a 90% overall average all year. Do you have any idea how hard that is? God, I’m in my school’s advanced programme, and I have problems, and add the pressure from being gay. I mean, I’m very close to being clinically depressed (but my parents don’t know that, they don’t know anything about me), and recently studying has been so hard to do. Nothing would get in my head. Well, now it’s getting better, luckily. Ya.

So anyway, love girl cheered me up a lot;) she’s so cool. We make each other hyper and happy. I dunno, she brightened up my day:) Oh man today we talked a lot about stupid stuff. Hehe, she was talking about moving away with me! Well, she knows I’m gonna move out the second I gain legal independence cuz I hate my dad (and to actually have a youth protection investigation on mental abuse is too hard, cuz I may lose), and she was just joking around.

She kept tickling me. Hehehe, like a lot! That’s mainly wut she does to everyone, but she wouldn’t stop! I was dying! Hehe, but she’s funny and cute, and I love how happy she gets after I react (I laugh like HELL! And really high pitched, I’m really ticklish).

I love the way she smiles. When I see a smile slowly creeping up on her face I automatically smile too. And her smile is so big and infectious. She makes me really happy. I know that you shouldn’t get happy through other people (I don’t do that), but this is different. I dunno, I can’t explain it!

She laid her head against my shoulder! We were on the bus and she said she was sleepy, but she quickly got up:(

Ya and at the end of the bus ride, we were talking about our families, cuz she said that she too was feeling anger towards her father and she knows about my problems. So we started talking, but she said that it wasn’t hate, it’s just sometimes her father doesn’t make her feel good about herself. I said I was here for her (I am, I’m there for everyone!) and she can call/email/talk to me anytime. She was happy, but she really accentuated that she was here for me;) I be happy!

24 October, 2001

Ahhh, i missed the bus so i'm stayin home today. yay! wut fun, home. i hate it here, i can't do anything. and if i do anything i cant do it "too long" (as my dad perceives it) or else my dad says "you're doing that continuously!" and gets angry and then i can't do that again, or ever mention it again. fun fun. but he's not here now, so yay. my mom is, but she's not that bad. OHHH, but i found out that my love/crush girl is goin to my friend's birthday party and i get to spend some more time with her ;) yay!!!!

23 October, 2001

Heyy, so ya, the love girl right? we were supposed to go to the mall together! but she couldn't come, and that made me sad:( but she looked soo hot today...

I did my science exam...it was too easy...i'm worried...over nothing...okay, ya. our class was able to get our math marks, but i forgot to go and now i'm freaking out. i really need to get high this term, my mom's really pressurizing me. i don't like that. she wants me to get 90's. that's like straight (heehehe! straight) A's...kinda. ya i'm tired, i'm gonna go now!

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